To not want to take phone calls after 8pm?

[Greydove28]

Can't work out if im being aibu? I have a lonely relative that phones me after 8pm,normally 9pm for a long chat every couple of days.

I work ft and really busy with family stuff. Got things on most nights. I always feel too tired to start taking calls at this time. AIBU?

I don't think you're inreasoable at all. I get up early for work, and usually only have a very short window in the evening for a little wind-down/relaxation before bed, and like you, don't want to spend this time chatting on the phone. Could you gently explain to this relative that another time may be more suitable for you?

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Whilst it’s a shame that your relative is lonely I think it’s actually quite rude to impinge on your time as often as this at any time of day, let alone in the evenings at a time when you’re trying to unwind. I would start yawning a lot until they took the hint.

Just suggest a time when you can talk.

YANBU. Does the family member also work and have a busy life?

I'm often in bed by 9 as I have to be up early on weekdays!

I think, personally, 8pm is quite early to stop taking calls. However it is your home and evening.

Have you explained to the relative and maybe you could arrange a mutually convenient time?

Work out when you can take the call and phone them at that time. I understand and I ended up just not answering the phone in the evenings. I now phone my mum earlier when I am not so tired. I have also explained to everyone I know that I go to bed early.

Is there a time you can call them that’s more convenient? Otherwise you’ll need some flat batteries/early nights to cut it off after 15m

If it's on the mobile, put it on silent, if it's on the landline unplug it from the wall.

Phones are there for your convenience.

Mine goes on Do Not Disturb when I go to bed, I'm happy to chat before then (or will ignore if not).

I feel sorry for your relative.
I’d say evenings are not a great time and give them a quick call on lunch breaks or
Longer at weekends

Your not unreasonable to not want phone calls that late but you are unreasonable to expect your relative to know that! Just phone/message them and say you’re starting to put your phone on do not disturb because you’ve become so busy in the evenings. Call them when it’s convenient for you or arrange a time between you and let them know to only call late in a genuine emergency.

YABU to expect someone to know this until you actually tell them. It’s not late so I wouldn’t find someone rude for calling me at 8pm. Just tell them when it suits you to speak.

I have said YABU as if you don't want to take a call, erm, you don't take a call

Why don't you phone try them a bit earlier when it is convenient to talk?

You are not been unreasonable. I have my landline unplugged and my mobile on silent 2 hours before i go to bed as i need time to relax. If i am on the phone too much before bed i simply find it hard to sleep.

I have an elderly relative who always calls around 10pm when I'm really winding down sometimes even gone to bed!
I would rather call in the morning before work/ on the way to work or send a text but they don't really operate until about 10am and can't do texting so that's not an option.
Sometimes I get in first and call them on my way home from work around 8pm. But most of the time I just go with it as they are probably lonely and just want to chat to someone for company. I think it would be wearing if more than once a week though

You are not being unreasonable. At the end of the day they are using you for company.
Unplug or turn off the phone.

Tell them you go to bed at 8, then put the answer phone on at that time.

But loneliness is an awful thing,Call them yourself earlier in the evening, set the kitchen timer for as long as you're happy to talk, and tell them that's your dinner ready.

There are times when little white lies are allowed.

I don’t answer the phone after 8pm and certainly wouldn’t if I knew someone was going to be on a long time.

Like you I only get that hour 8-9 ish before I think about going to bed to get up at 5am again.

YANBU at all.

I was brought up to believe that phone calls after teatime were rude, which is old fashioned I know. Its still in my psyche so my phone goes onto do not disturb at 6pm, mainly so I'm not bothered by work related calls, which can be 24hrs. My DH, children and mum are the only ones excluded from this list, but even then if my mum and I phone each other after teatime we always apologise!
You need to give your relative a time to call and be strict about not answering outside of this. Firm boundaries!

YANBU. Sounds like this call is a duty rather than a pleasure for you, so not unreasonable that you don’t want it in your relaxing time.
Do you have a commute? Could you start calling from the car on your way to or from work?

No I had a friend who used to do this abs I found it really draining. It wasn't every night but just whenever she'd call it would be 8-9ish when I was winding down for bed or about to get in the bath so I stopped answering it if she texted to ask if ok to talk I'd say no I'm tired / about to get in the bath how about the weekend.

If you don't want to talk at that time then don't as you'll come to resent those conversations

Yanbu
If you're tired and don't want to take long calls every few days at 9pm then you don't have to. 9pm is my cut off point unless I'm tired and gone to bed/ have a headache earlier. I would get fed up of long calls eating into my time as I don't have time or head space for that- when I need to "switch off " after all the noise or getting home after work and sorting out tea snd talking to my DCs. I'd probably take some of the calls and put them on speaker phone whilst I loaded dishwasher and cleaned kitchen down and keep them short with "DD needs me now I have to go, love you bye"

It depends on the relative though. My sister dad and Mum I'd take calls from even if late but say to them you'll need to ring bit earlier.

If it was another relative, I wouldn't take calls unless an emergency. I guess I'd I had grandparents alive, I'd take a quick call that frequently with some longer calls earlier- snd ask rest of family to also ring them. I cut calls short by being honest "I'm heading to the bath / bed with a book to wind down, I've only 5 minutes as I'm up early for work/ children to school"

My mum keeps her mobile switched off at all times until she cares to make an outgoing call. She keeps the landline on but if she doesn’t want to talk you get the abrupt greeting “No” or “Absolutely not” before she clatters the phone down. You don’t have to answer – I’m queen of ignoring, then sending a text so they don’t ring again: “Can’t speak now! How about Xpm on whatever date?” Crucially, don’t apologise in your message! Don’t show weakness!

Arrange a different time. I have a friend who used to 'phone at 9.00 p.m and we would chat for over an hour. Now it's about 8.30 and much more manageable. I don't think your relation is being rude, unless you have said something previously.