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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doubting whether I've BU

38 replies

Cam2020 · 25/10/2021 20:48

Completely outing, but I need some outside perspective about whether I've been unreasonable here.

DP is sick in hospital and over the last week has been posting 'funny' anecdotes about another patient. Having been to the ward, it's obvious this person has a disability. His posts have been annoying me as I feel he's been ridiculing this person, but today he took it too far and posted a video of this man dancing on the ward, with the comment 'not a psych ward'. I was really annoyed and replied that this was a disabled person and to have some humility! He has tried to reframe it that he was laughing along 'with' him, not at him, but given the accompanying comment and some of the earlier posts about this man (who he has described, so is identifiable as this same man) I feel he's trying to weasel out of it when he's been blatantly taking the piss. I'm now cast as the bad guy for 'choosing' to judge what he's posted as out of line and won't even acknowledge what he's done is wrong or why might offend people. I'm mean and 'out to get him'.

My 'D'P is very seriously ill and has been for a while. I'm now doubting myself. Have I been awful to him? He does this a lot if we disagree or I don't like something he's done - then he gets very upset and I'm the one who's upset the seriously sick man and o obviously a terrible person.

OP posts:
FlorenceNightshade · 25/10/2021 20:59

If he’s really done that I’d never look at him the same again! If he won’t take the posts down I’d report them to Facebook. Also why have none of his online friends called him out on it???
As a nurse it’s a huge invasion of the other patients privacy. As a parent of a child with disabilities it’s an abhorrent thing to do and shows no respect or regard for this person.
Does he have his employers or colleagues on social media?

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 25/10/2021 21:02

What he has done is completely out of line.

The person he is filming and plastering over Facebook is disabled, in hospital and vulnerable.

I'm really sorry your dh is so unwell, but his behaviour is disgusting.

purpleme12 · 25/10/2021 21:03

God this is really wrong of him

Liz1tummypain · 25/10/2021 21:05

You've done the right thing. Nothing that you should feel bad for. He should take the posts down.

Cryalot2 · 25/10/2021 21:06

If he has done what you say no way are you unreasonable.
That said dh has serious illness and if a row breaks out or leaving is mentioned he gets into a state ( sometimes needing hospital) and of course it is my fault for upsetting the poor sick man..!,

Original poster
Cam2020 · 25/10/2021 21:07

Also why have none of his online friends called him out on it???

They've either said nothing or laughed along. I'm glad I'm not alone, I feel so ashamed - firstly, that he did it at all, secondly, that he's trying to make out it was in appreciation of the dancing, when it obviously wasn't and then trying to make me out to be the bad guy by objecting. Have I misconstrued his motives? I don't feel that I have.

He's too sick to work now, so no colleagues or work to bring into disrepute.

The video has been reported.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 25/10/2021 21:07

No matter how ill he is he does not have the right to do that.
I would never feel the same way about him.

JustJoinedRightNow · 25/10/2021 21:09

It’s a terrible thing to do, and having a serious illness doesn’t absolve him I’m afraid. Even if he needs cheering up, why does he need to do it at the expense of others (regardless of whether that person has a disability or not). He sounds like a bully.

I would be mentioning it to the nursing staff tbh. Totally drop him in it. Let them sort it out and he can have a long hard look at himself.

JustJoinedRightNow · 25/10/2021 21:10

Also re reporting, the nursing staff need to know there’s been a serious privacy breach inside their ward. How would he like it if someone was filming him at one of the worst points of his life and putting it on social media?

FedUpWithBriiiiick · 25/10/2021 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlorenceNightshade · 25/10/2021 21:12

@Cam2020 openly mocking a disabled person like that would be a red line for me. Obviously my dh wouldn’t do that because of dc but I have reported memes etc posted by people on social media and deleted people if they post stuff I just can’t be ok with. I’m all for free speech and I don’t expect to agree with every social media post I see but I will not allow any sort of abusive or harassing posts to go unchallenged.
I would imagine there are people on your DHs friends list who now think of him very differently

Lightswitch123 · 25/10/2021 21:13

That's awful OP. Well done for calling him out on it.

Would your DP like other patients to be sharing videos of him when he's unwell?

The hospital need to know too. Major breach of confidentiality for the other inpatient.

If your OP is sound of mind there is absolutely no excuse for him doing that.

overnightangel · 25/10/2021 21:14

I’d lose all sympathy and respect and stop visiting I’m afraid

Smashingspinster · 25/10/2021 21:17

Sick or not, he is being a total dick. What a horrible thing to do.

Original poster
Cam2020 · 25/10/2021 21:18

Even if he needs cheering up, why does he need to do it at the expense of others (regardless of whether that person has a disability or not). He sounds like a bully.

My feelings exactly. I feel like he's trying to bully me too into a accepting it as lighthearted - he's told me to leave the clothes I was going to take up for him tomorrow on the doorstep for someone else to collect. I've called him out on bullying me in arguments in the passed.

OP posts:
FlorenceNightshade · 25/10/2021 21:20

I’d put everything he owns on the fucking doorstep

FictionalCharacter · 25/10/2021 21:21

Awful. Being ill is no excuse. Would he find it hilarious if someone posted pictures of him on the ward, mocking him?

SnarkyBag · 25/10/2021 21:22

He’s an arsehole sick or not. I’d report him to the ward and let them know a vulnerable patient is at risk. Literally no tolerance for people like your “D”P

Natty13 · 25/10/2021 21:23

As a nurse, I'd want to know that patients were taking and uploading videos of people on the ward. I have confiscated phones for this and/or made patients stay with their curtains closed the whole time when they couldn't respect others. Everyone has the right to privacy even when it's from other patients.

Arbitan · 25/10/2021 21:23

Dreadful. Total invasion of privacy. Why is he filming anything on a hospital ward?? You’re definitely not being unreasonable.

Floridorhorrididontknow · 25/10/2021 21:28

Is his illness endangering his life? Or is it something chronic? This would probably have a bearing how far I went. If he’s dying, I’d stand by my objection to his clear mocking of someone with a disability but I may be more understanding to how much of a mindfuck that would be and hope it was just impairing his judgement.

danni0509 · 25/10/2021 21:28

Yeah that’s awful. My son is disabled (autism / learning disability) and often people stare at him / us. He’s had kids mocking him before and that’s bad enough.

How dreadful that when he’s older somebody might film him and the jokes are on him.

romdowa · 25/10/2021 21:29

I'd be ringing the hospital and reporting this to them. I'm sorry your dp is sick but this is 100% unacceptable and if it was my relative he was videoing I'd be getting the police involved no matter how sick he is.

mbosnz · 25/10/2021 21:32

Surely there's an expectation of privacy when you're a vulnerable person on a ward. So as such, I think your partner is bang out of order. How would he feel if someone filmed his amusing coming out of anaesthetic? Or his grunting and complaining when an enema was applied?

Penistoe · 25/10/2021 21:33

Sick people are just as capable of being bullying arseholes.

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