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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doubting whether I've BU

38 replies

Cam2020 · 25/10/2021 20:48

Completely outing, but I need some outside perspective about whether I've been unreasonable here.

DP is sick in hospital and over the last week has been posting 'funny' anecdotes about another patient. Having been to the ward, it's obvious this person has a disability. His posts have been annoying me as I feel he's been ridiculing this person, but today he took it too far and posted a video of this man dancing on the ward, with the comment 'not a psych ward'. I was really annoyed and replied that this was a disabled person and to have some humility! He has tried to reframe it that he was laughing along 'with' him, not at him, but given the accompanying comment and some of the earlier posts about this man (who he has described, so is identifiable as this same man) I feel he's trying to weasel out of it when he's been blatantly taking the piss. I'm now cast as the bad guy for 'choosing' to judge what he's posted as out of line and won't even acknowledge what he's done is wrong or why might offend people. I'm mean and 'out to get him'.

My 'D'P is very seriously ill and has been for a while. I'm now doubting myself. Have I been awful to him? He does this a lot if we disagree or I don't like something he's done - then he gets very upset and I'm the one who's upset the seriously sick man and o obviously a terrible person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cam2020 · 25/10/2021 21:53

Is his illness endangering his life? Or is it something chronic? This would probably have a bearing how far I went. If he’s dying, I’d stand by my objection to his clear mocking of someone with a disability but I may be more understanding to how much of a mindfuck that would be and hope it was just impairing his judgement.

He is dying. Not necessarily imminently, but his condition is incurable and will eventually kill him. He has a brain tumour, which could account for some personality change, although it's not in location particularly associated with personality changes.

His parents are vile, self important arseholes who think they can say and do what they like to anyone they like and are incapable of apologising for their terrible behaviour or self reflection on any level. They also love to play the victim. 'D'P was not previously like that, but since his illness has become much more like them. In my completely inexpert view, I've seen it as a default to factory settings, rather than personality change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cam2020 · 25/10/2021 21:55

I think he made a concerted effort not to be like them and now he's just given up.

OP posts:
FlorenceNightshade · 25/10/2021 21:56

@Cam2020 that’s awful I’m so sorry. It could be his condition affecting his personality so I’d probably mention it to his consultant once the steam has stopped coming out of your ears.
Again I’m so sorry that either way the man you loved has/is changed Flowers

LittleDandelionClock · 25/10/2021 22:03

Ewww, he sounds vile. Why are you with him?!

Anonanon1234 · 25/10/2021 22:05

He sounds like a gaslighting immature prick. The fact you put 'D'P says it all...you don't consider him a dear partner atall. Game over I reckon

Sofiegiraffe · 25/10/2021 22:06

[quote FlorenceNightshade]@Cam2020 that’s awful I’m so sorry. It could be his condition affecting his personality so I’d probably mention it to his consultant once the steam has stopped coming out of your ears.
Again I’m so sorry that either way the man you loved has/is changed Flowers[/quote]

I agree with this. Especially if it's out of character behaviour? So sorry OP Thanks

frazzledfragglefromfragglerock · 25/10/2021 22:08

He's definitely out of order. My bro once posted on fb a pic of a drunk man passed out on a bench in town and that really pissed me off. That's nowhere near as bad as what you OH has done.

Original poster
Cam2020 · 25/10/2021 22:12

@FlorenceNightshade thank you.

And thanks to everyone who replied. Being ill doesn't mean you get to behave as you like and no-one should pull you up on it. I really feel that's he's tried to manipulate me into thinking I'm horrible for objecting and presenting the video as 'a great laugh', but we all know bullies aren't all of the threatening to nick you dinner money or neat you up MO. He's justifying it by saying he was laughing with him and simply posted something funny that happened today, and the comments he garnered were along the lines of 'you go!' - not nasty ergo it wasn't ridiculing.

Sorry to those that this is a sensitive subject for. It's actually a sensitive subject for me too as my brother is autistic and my mum (who has bent over backwards to help us and him directly over the last few years while his own parents did fuck all) is deeply upset and angry.

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 25/10/2021 22:12

Gish he can't use his illness to justify poor behaviour or get a free pass. Then to make it worse he is blaming you?

I think he needs to go somewhere else.

Floridorhorrididontknow · 25/10/2021 23:05

@Cam2020

Is his illness endangering his life? Or is it something chronic? This would probably have a bearing how far I went. If he’s dying, I’d stand by my objection to his clear mocking of someone with a disability but I may be more understanding to how much of a mindfuck that would be and hope it was just impairing his judgement.

He is dying. Not necessarily imminently, but his condition is incurable and will eventually kill him. He has a brain tumour, which could account for some personality change, although it's not in location particularly associated with personality changes.

His parents are vile, self important arseholes who think they can say and do what they like to anyone they like and are incapable of apologising for their terrible behaviour or self reflection on any level. They also love to play the victim. 'D'P was not previously like that, but since his illness has become much more like them. In my completely inexpert view, I've seen it as a default to factory settings, rather than personality change.

I’m really sorry @Cam2020. I can’t imagine how difficult this is. Losing someone and not liking the person they’re becoming as they go must be a total head fuck for you. Is he quite young?

I honestly don’t know what I’d do. Well, firstly I’d probably stay well away from his parents who sound atrocious and like they’d crowd and hog any grief, and I’d maybe gently explain to him how I felt and how objectionable I found the things he was doing. You shouldn’t have to pander to someone being an arsehole but if I’m honest, I probably would because he’s been dealt a truly shit hand.

Floridorhorrididontknow · 25/10/2021 23:05

I would a bit*

mycatisannoying · 25/10/2021 23:08

Your husband is a lowlife prick.

Original poster
Cam2020 · 25/10/2021 23:35

@Floridorhorrididontknow thank you for your understanding. He is early 40s.

I'm actually NC with his parents most of the time and extremely LC, communicating on a need to know basis while he's in hospital. They are just too toxic for me to deal with most of the time and you've hit the nail on the head with the 'grief hog' comment.

Things are really difficult. Thanks everyone who suggested talking to his consultant about personality changes. Now I've calmed down a bit, I can see this could be a factor too. Although it doesn't excuse his behaviour, it will affect how I deal with it to some extent. However, if he's still insistent that someone else will collect his clothes tomorrow, I'm not going to pander to him or back down in any way. They (probably his parents) can also take his dirty washing away and be responsible for that too.

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