Have I been used?

[goodsapphic]

Sorry for the long post in advance.
I had a conversation yesterday which made me think about this. For as long as I can remember, even when I was about 10, I have been the person people come to for advice or to just vent to someone. Whilst I like that people see me as approachable I have come to realise that a lot of the time this seems to be a one-way relationship. Whenever I feel frustrated or upset these same people do not seem to want to know at all. I have also heard people's perceptions of me over the years and it seems people seem to view me as just someone to give advice or listen.
To give an example, people always seem to come to me for advice or comfort but cannot ever really offer me the same kind of advice/will just say "oh" like they do not care. I seem to be left sometimes when they do things as a group as though if they do not need anything then why bother.
I was also asked by a friend once if I have ever said no to anyone. He could not believe that yes I had said no to people. I have also been likened to "an aunt" of the group many times by friends, which I guess is the kind of relative people turn to when they can't tell their mum but want some kind of motherly advice. People just seem to view me as someone who will just always agree with them/give advice. I do feel honoured in one sense but I'm starting to feel used with it being so one way.

YABU - You should be grateful people see you like this and you're just a good friend.
YANBU - Yes you are being used

You're a giver surrounded by takers x

Can’t vote as I think it’s both (though I don’t think you should need to feel “grateful”). If it’s affecting you, scale it back a bit and use that “no” veto more often would be my advice

@SoniaFouler I meant grateful as in I should be grateful that I'm seen as approachable. I read your reply like I meant grateful for being used which is how it comes off I suppose. I guess what I mean is that IABU is that I'm being too negative about the situation basically. I guess I didn't make it clear in my OP.

If the people who expect you to listen to them won't listen to you when you need support I would ditch them. They are users. Might be worth keeping an eye peeled for some better friends.

[quote goodsapphic]@SoniaFouler I meant grateful as in I should be grateful that I'm seen as approachable. I read your reply like I meant grateful for being used which is how it comes off I suppose. I guess what I mean is that IABU is that I'm being too negative about the situation basically. I guess I didn't make it clear in my OP.[/quote]
No, I didn’t mean that, I originally took it for how you’ve explained it in your post I’ve quoted, I just disagree with it and don’t think you ought to or should feel grateful.

Why on earth would you feel flattered to be asked to listen or give advice but blanked in return or not included in a group outing?

Of course you are surrounded by users but you have been hugely complicit by puuting up with it.

A lot of people would not allow this to continue, be busy, unavailable or give them back their "oh".

People will treat you how you allow them.

Value yourself and prune your friends viciously.

Ah sorry my bad @SoniaFouler

Thank you for your kind words every one. It is making me see things more clearly now.

I am you . I have a friend who has told me all about her family ( neither of us live close to family ) I know her 3 sisters names and their husband's and kids etc , including the names of her friends from back in her home town.
I have chatted likewise , yet she can't be bothered to remember mine . My mil is called the old woman if she speaks about her. I am noticing lots of differences about us and am distancing myself a little.

I feel that I’m in this position too. I’m always the voice of reason but others don’t care If I need help.

Good for you OP, it is not unusual to meet people like this, but long term they are draining if you see them often or have too many in your life.

I have one old friend like this, I am fond of her as we share history and I know she is very fond of me, but I have really limited how often we meet up and for how long as she does like to unload but unfortunately isn't very discreet so I wouldn't ever dream of telling her anything private.

Sifting through the people who are genuinely interested in you is key, spend time with them and don't waste energy on those that are usung you as free therapy.

You sound very nice.
Now be kind to yourself.

I do this. Well, I don't as much anymore but it's still something I can easily slip back to.
I'd be the listening ear, would drop everything if a friend needed support,
would lend (give) money (because it wasn't reciprocated or returned).
For years and years.

Eventually, through having regular therapy sessions, I realised friends just weren't there for me in the same way.
Weren't supportive, even when I was going through really tough times (bereavements, job loss etc).

They Weren't actually all that bothered unless they were getting something from me or I was 'providing a service' of some kind.

Now, I have much firmer boundaries so I spot this and respond differently to how I used to.
Some of those 'friends' I stopped seeing completely.
Others, I still see however the friendship is very different because I've changed and won't tolerate the things that I used to.

I think it can be like this sometimes. Wise up OP stand back and don't always be available for others who wouldn't be for you

Friendships need to be mutual and reciprocal. When you leave after seeing a friend you should feel fulfilled and joyous - not that you have been drained again. I too had friends like this in the past - emotional vomiting on me - then fully relieved they went off with their “fun” friends. I also think that when people overshare they don’t want to see you to be reminded of what they said.

I sign post people (mostly family now) to invest in therapy like I did - with a professional.

Maybe you need to do that for yourself - were you highly valued, supported and cherished as a child?

I had something similar at work years ago, someone constantly asking "what would you do if... " or "how would you approach this..."
I started given them really bizarre solutions and they stopped asked me.

You talk about the 'group'.
If this means it's the same people leaving you out & not offering you the same support as you have offered them, it's time to distance yourself a bit & spend your time with different people.

You don't have to change your caring, steady nature, but you might want to consider yourself first a bit more often. Do you want to listen to Beryls man troubles or Brian's work woe again?

An unhealthy (for you) dynamic has occurred, you're not their emotional skip. It's exhausting.

I'm honestly shocked by how many people are affected like this. There must be many more of these type of people in the world than just mentioned here. I'm so sorry for all that you have all been through with these types of people.

@GroggyLegs yes I do mean a certain group of friends but it's also aquantances (no idea how to spell that word). Maybe I'm too approachable.

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles your advice sounds very good haha.

Thank you again for all your kind words everyone.

May I also ask a similar question?

We have some very good friends that we occasionally go on holiday with.

They have two dogs and we have two cats and a 7 month old puppy. Just before lockdown, they booked a 10 day holiday overseas and asked if we would look after their dogs. With Covid, understandably their holiday kept being rescheduled, finally going ahead last month. Ideally, I wouldn’t have had 3 dogs - they’re not the best behaved - but I had agreed before we got our puppy so felt I couldn’t let them down.

The 10 days with all the animals was really hard work. Their dogs chased my cats endlessly and at every opportunity. My puppy and one of the dogs ended up in a couple of scraps so we had to keep them apart and finally, one of their dogs pulled out of my husbands grip and ran away into woodland and wouldn’t come back. Luckily, because she has a history of this sort of thing, she had a tracker on but it still took two hours to locate her. So, all in all, very stressful.

When they came to collect the dogs, we were honest with them and said things hadn’t gone quite as well as we hoped. They were very apologetic and acknowledged the issues we had. However, yesterday the husband rang and spoke to my DH and said they were going away at the end of next month again, and would we have the dogs again? DH was very polite and said we’d rather not but the wife visited us today and remarked, “So, you don’t want to look after our dogs then?” I jumped in and said that they hadn’t actually got on that well with my puppy and there had been some fights. Her adult daughter who was with her acted very surprised and said that was very out of character and their dogs had never been aggressive.

Maybe I’m being over sensitive because I really value their friendship but I can’t help feeling a bit like I’m letting them down.

I have had similar but for me it’s tends to be because on first meetings I tend to be a listener and not a talker. Mostly due to shyness, it also can take awhile for people to see me as someone to have a good night out with instead of just a person to have coffee with (although I know prefer the coffee). I fall into a role without realising. It’s happened too many times.

@2389Champ

May I also ask a similar question?

We have some very good friends that we occasionally go on holiday with.

They have two dogs and we have two cats and a 7 month old puppy. Just before lockdown, they booked a 10 day holiday overseas and asked if we would look after their dogs. With Covid, understandably their holiday kept being rescheduled, finally going ahead last month. Ideally, I wouldn’t have had 3 dogs - they’re not the best behaved - but I had agreed before we got our puppy so felt I couldn’t let them down.

The 10 days with all the animals was really hard work. Their dogs chased my cats endlessly and at every opportunity. My puppy and one of the dogs ended up in a couple of scraps so we had to keep them apart and finally, one of their dogs pulled out of my husbands grip and ran away into woodland and wouldn’t come back. Luckily, because she has a history of this sort of thing, she had a tracker on but it still took two hours to locate her. So, all in all, very stressful.

When they came to collect the dogs, we were honest with them and said things hadn’t gone quite as well as we hoped. They were very apologetic and acknowledged the issues we had. However, yesterday the husband rang and spoke to my DH and said they were going away at the end of next month again, and would we have the dogs again? DH was very polite and said we’d rather not but the wife visited us today and remarked, “So, you don’t want to look after our dogs then?” I jumped in and said that they hadn’t actually got on that well with my puppy and there had been some fights. Her adult daughter who was with her acted very surprised and said that was very out of character and their dogs had never been aggressive.

Maybe I’m being over sensitive because I really value their friendship but I can’t help feeling a bit like I’m letting them down.

Do you know that it would be in the region of of £40 / day to kennel their dogs? That’s without a whole host of vaccinations etc in place. No wonder they are after you to do it again? Doesn’t look like you would even take the offer of reciprocating as their dog was aggressive to yours.

These people are v pushy aren’t they …. have you noticed this before?

@DFOD

I hadn’t noticed them being pushy before and we did get a box of chocolates for dog sitting! I think they couldn’t quite believe that as friends, we’d said no.

I shouldn’t feel guilty, should I? There are plenty of kennels around and we put our puppy in a perfectly good one for 5 days in August.

@2389Champ their friendship is hopefully not depending on your favours. Minding 2 dogs is an enormous favour. I have 1 dog and wouldn't dream of asking anyone to mind her. Kennels are part of the cost of our holidays. Many of my friends have dogs and it's the same.

[quote 0DAAT]@2389Champ their friendship is hopefully not depending on your favours. Minding 2 dogs is an enormous favour. I have 1 dog and wouldn't dream of asking anyone to mind her. Kennels are part of the cost of our holidays. Many of my friends have dogs and it's the same.[/quote]
Seeing we saved them nearly £500 and the dogs got far more exercise than a kennels could have given them, I guess I can see why they’re keen for us to do it again.

In their defence, I’m sure our friendship isn’t based on what we can do for them, it’s just that I feel bad - because of our friendship - about being firm about never again.

2 dogs for 10 days -> box of chocolates for £400 saved and they ask you AGAIN! No. You need not feel guilty. And you used kennels yourself for ONE dog and half the time. I assume they didn't insist on returning the favour.

@0DAAT

2 dogs for 10 days -> box of chocolates for £400 saved and they ask you AGAIN! No. You need not feel guilty. And you used kennels yourself for ONE dog and half the time. I assume they didn't insist on returning the favour.

They dd offer, but we’ve got nothing booked, nor likely to, for the foreseeable future. Plus, because of the fights, I’m not sure it would be a good idea anyway!