Have I been used?

[goodsapphic]

Sorry for the long post in advance.
I had a conversation yesterday which made me think about this. For as long as I can remember, even when I was about 10, I have been the person people come to for advice or to just vent to someone. Whilst I like that people see me as approachable I have come to realise that a lot of the time this seems to be a one-way relationship. Whenever I feel frustrated or upset these same people do not seem to want to know at all. I have also heard people's perceptions of me over the years and it seems people seem to view me as just someone to give advice or listen.
To give an example, people always seem to come to me for advice or comfort but cannot ever really offer me the same kind of advice/will just say "oh" like they do not care. I seem to be left sometimes when they do things as a group as though if they do not need anything then why bother.
I was also asked by a friend once if I have ever said no to anyone. He could not believe that yes I had said no to people. I have also been likened to "an aunt" of the group many times by friends, which I guess is the kind of relative people turn to when they can't tell their mum but want some kind of motherly advice. People just seem to view me as someone who will just always agree with them/give advice. I do feel honoured in one sense but I'm starting to feel used with it being so one way.

YABU - You should be grateful people see you like this and you're just a good friend.
YANBU - Yes you are being used

OP we have this dynamic in my family. DSis wants to be like a matriarch. She cooks big family meals, phones people who don't return her calls, offers to babysit, give lifts. DBs accept but don't return. It's people pleasing on a giant scale. I tell her to stop - she complains to me - but then she's 'I was on the phone to X and ...'. I'm 'what did you phone X for after e.g. they didn't return your 3 calls last month?' And she's like, ' oh I just wanted to see how X daughter got on at (insert event).'
It's a need to be needed.
I feel for my sis, but she keeps doing it.

@2389Champ I wouldn't like them to mind my dog. They might think it ok to ask anything in exchange.
If the friendship cools over this, in spite of the favour you have already given, then they weren't great friends.
I have a wonderful friend, who has done HUGE favours. But then asks for favours, I say yes, and spend hours doing what looked like a quick errand at first. Only good friends do big favours, and we reciprocate.

@2389Champ I suppose if they offered to return the favour then that's good, but they shouldn't expect you to look after theirs every time. I think it was a bit rude of them to ask after you explained what went on last time and their response doesn't seem very nice. You shouldn't be ashamed of saying no.

Sorry OP I didn't explain myself well. Perhaps you had a need to be needed that you don't have anymore. I think we all have a bit of it. My councillor advised me to ask myself when confounded by something to ask internally 'what about me?'. It felt subversive at first, but helped me a lot to step back from the dynamics going on around me.

@2389Champ

Minding a persons dogs is a huge responsibility and a box of chocolates is a very mean gift for doing it.

They clearly think you are a bit of a mug and thought it would be a regular thing.

That she challenged your refusal is also appallingly ill mannered, you do know that?

Well done for saying never again.
Stick to it.

You're a giver surrounded by takers

Perfect first response.

Sounds like you are an empath.

Judith Orloff has the lowdown on it. Will help to recognise it and become stronger. It's on FB too.

drjudithorloff.com/

Are you a people pleaser? Big mistake

@Bogeyes I think I am a people pleaser. I hate seeing other people upset. It has gotten me in trouble in the past but I think it stems from emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my grandmother. I'm not sure if this makes sense but I find when people are abused they have this regret for the wrong they have done to others or they want to avoid all wrong so that others don't suffer like they do. I've seen it in others not just myself. I guess I need to see it as I'm not as bad as her which logically I know but it can be hard.

I am so sorry that you suffered and were emotionally injured as a child by your grandmother. You are correct that this is likely the core of your people pleasing issues. It would be good to work with a therapist to heal that wound so that you don’t keep repeating behaviours that backfire to hurt you.

Have a look at co-dependency and see if any of the symptoms ring true for you:

codauk.org/new-to-coda/

There is a way through this and you have started the process already by being aware there is an issue.

In time you will feel comfortable and assertive and know that your values, boundaries and self worth are precious and need protection. Once you are in this emotional space - you will swerve from the users and connect and build mutually rewarding and respectful and fun friendships.

@DFOD thank you for your kind words. I'll be sure to check your link out when I find the time, I'm going out now. Thanks to everyone again