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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let DH deal with contraception

50 replies

happybee93 · 25/10/2021 15:53

So my DH and I have one child. I would love another one, and he has said he's happy with just the one, and is quite firm on that.

I'm okay with this, but I've made it pretty clear that I'm not taking the pill or any other form of hormonal contraception anymore, as they messed with my hormones so badly the last time I was on them.

We're using condoms but more often that not, he's not using them and I don't stop him or suggest he uses one.

AIBU to just let him do that or should I remind him that we're not protected if we don't? I'd be more than happy to have another baby, but it feels a bit weird when he's made such a big deal about only wanting one child?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2021 15:57

You need to make things crystal clear to your dimwit of a husband. If you get pregnant, it's completely his "fault." You have been clear that you are not using any hormonal contraceptives, will not use them, and the onus to use condoms falls to him. I would also say it seems he really does want another baby given he's so lax about using protection, or has he forgotten how babies are made?

RedCarsGoFaster · 25/10/2021 15:57

I'd remind him. No child should be unwanted by a parent. Don't set yourself up to fail.

A woman would be accused of all when failing to use contraception despite not wanting a child.

Remind him what his options are and that you would be happy to get pregnant, so he needs to understand the implications.

beonetomatter · 25/10/2021 15:58

I would remind him once or twice in a joking manner...after that I would stop saying anything

2020isnotbehaving · 25/10/2021 15:58

I wouldn’t remind him he’s grown man. But be very prepared for him to do the big “Im leaving you if you have child two” tantrums on a pregnancy and risk being left single with two kids or be guilted into a termination.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/10/2021 15:59

I think remind him once when sober and dressed that you are not using contraception and don’t intend to use the MAP or have a termination.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 25/10/2021 16:02

I'd have one very clear conversation with him along the lines of contraception is now your responsibility. Either wear a condom or get the snip because I am not going on hormonal contraception and if I do get pregnant I will not be terminating.

GladAllOver · 25/10/2021 16:02

This could so easily go wrong. Even condoms are not 100% effective. What happens if one splits and you get pregnant? Will he insist on a termination because "he's done his best" and would you agree? Get this agreed between you.

Fdksyihfd · 25/10/2021 16:03

The issue there is what happens if he thinks you’d then have a termination and you don’t want that? Or you become pregnant with a child he doesn’t want and resents?
As much as yes he should be thinking of it i also think what you’re doing is risky

Dixiechickonhols · 25/10/2021 16:04

You need to speak to him. He giving mixed messages trying for a baby with you but saying he doesn’t want one. Make it clear you aren’t on contraception. You will continue with any pregnancy. A pregnancy won’t be an accident surely he must realise he needs to use condom if he’s sure he’s happy with 1. Why won’t he have a vasectomy if he doesn’t want more?
I can see your hope that you get pregnant and it forces his hand but it could all backfire and it’s unfair on the children.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 16:05

You need to have a sensible conversation with him.

He knows how babies are made. He's choosing not to use condoms. You're choosing not to use alternative contraception.

So what happens when you inevitably get pregnant? Is he hoping to use abortion as a contraceptive?
What if you refuse? Do you stay together? Does he resent you? Do you separate?

Pyewackect · 25/10/2021 16:06

@RedCarsGoFaster

I'd remind him. No child should be unwanted by a parent. Don't set yourself up to fail.

A woman would be accused of all when failing to use contraception despite not wanting a child.

Remind him what his options are and that you would be happy to get pregnant, so he needs to understand the implications.

Totally agree with this.

raymondanddebra · 25/10/2021 16:07

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2021 16:08

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

I think remind him once when sober and dressed that you are not using contraception and don’t intend to use the MAP or have a termination.

This.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2021 16:08

You’re pretty much ttc right now. Have enough unprotected sex and you’re highly likely to get pregnant.

Is he going to expect you to take the MAP or have an abortion when it happens? Will he leave you if you refuse?

GatoradeMeBitch · 25/10/2021 16:25

You need to have a conversation - just once - to remind him where you both stand on the baby issue.

If you get pregnant presumably you will continue with the pregnancy. Make sure he's aware of that.

BudgeSquare · 25/10/2021 16:33

i swear I've read this exact thread, word for word, on here quite recently.

fairlygoodmother · 25/10/2021 16:43

It seems like you're hoping that you get what you want but it's your dh's fault so he can't complain.

That makes logical sense but I don't think the reality would work out that simple. I agree with pps that you should have a conversation about it, ask him what he thinks will happen and how he plans to react if/when you get pregnant.

Also, he's sending mixed messages and maybe that's not really good for your state of mind either. You're trying to come to terms with having only one child whilst regularly getting your hopes raised that you may be able to have two.

iolaus · 25/10/2021 16:44

This is how my nephew was conceived

BIL was so shocked to find out she was pregnant - no one else was because we knew they'd been trying for 6-7 months

Member984815 · 25/10/2021 16:46

If you do get pregnant and he doesn't want another child , he will make it your problem . It'd be condoms Everytime or no sex

beonetomatter · 25/10/2021 16:47

@iolaus

This is how my nephew was conceived

BIL was so shocked to find out she was pregnant - no one else was because we knew they'd been trying for 6-7 months

Maybe he was shocked that it took so long

SirenSays · 25/10/2021 16:48

I wouldn't be sleeping with him until an actual decision has been made.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 25/10/2021 16:58

He’s an adult and you have one child already, so unprotected sex = children shouldn’t be a shock to him.

I wouldn’t remind him. I would in no uncertain terms point out that you wouldn’t mind having another child and you will not be having a termination. You are actually fine with his decision to not have another child and he needs to be prepared to take ownership of his fuck-up should you get pregnant.

bluebeck · 25/10/2021 17:00

Why should OP have to remind him? He's a fully grown man who has already fathered a child.

She says she has already made it clear she is not taking any contraception and he knows they should be using condoms.

RobertaFirmino · 25/10/2021 17:03

It's rather telling that you are not insisting on a condom so if you are happy to be a single mother raising two children alone then sure, keep going as you are. Alternatively, you could just have an adult conversation about it.

Blendabrethin · 25/10/2021 17:07

If you have made it clear that you aeen't on contracwption then the ball is in his court. He is a full grown man who knows the facts of life, there is no need for you to take responsibility for his decisions. If he REALLY was sure he didn't want another child then he would take steps to make sure that didn't happen. Unless he's thick.

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