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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let DH deal with contraception

50 replies

happybee93 · 25/10/2021 15:53

So my DH and I have one child. I would love another one, and he has said he's happy with just the one, and is quite firm on that.

I'm okay with this, but I've made it pretty clear that I'm not taking the pill or any other form of hormonal contraception anymore, as they messed with my hormones so badly the last time I was on them.

We're using condoms but more often that not, he's not using them and I don't stop him or suggest he uses one.

AIBU to just let him do that or should I remind him that we're not protected if we don't? I'd be more than happy to have another baby, but it feels a bit weird when he's made such a big deal about only wanting one child?

OP posts:

RobertaFirmino · 25/10/2021 17:21

If he REALLY was sure he didn't want another child then he would take steps to make sure that didn't happen

That's rather naive. Men, in general, don't tend to think about the consequences when they're about to get their end away. Perhaps yours does and if so, I commend him. Read enough threads on MN and you'll discover that many of them simply don't think.

Besides, it's unfair to plant the seeds of false hope into OP's mind.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2021 17:22

He’s surely aware of how your child was conceived. Is he going to be one of those peculiar people who are shocked and say a pregnancy was unplanned and an accident when it was the inevitable result of sex with no contraception?

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 17:25

@bluebeck

Why should OP have to remind him? He's a fully grown man who has already fathered a child.

She says she has already made it clear she is not taking any contraception and he knows they should be using condoms.

Because as much as she wants another child she knows that he doesn't and she may well find if she doesn't talk to him and gets pregnant the choices could be termination or going it alone.

She's told him she won't take contraception. We don't know how deep that conversation has gone.

bluebeck · 25/10/2021 17:28

Well it's obviously registered with him because he has started to use condoms. He absolutely knows!!!

If he chooses to take the risk of having unprotected sex then he knows he may end up a parent again.

I can't stand all this infantilising of men.

MrsColon · 25/10/2021 17:30

You're married to this man - have a bloody conversation about it! Don't just let this happen. Tell him that the way he's going he'll get you pregnant, and that you won't be terminating.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 17:30

@bluebeck it's not infantilising of men. OP needs to take responsibility too, even if she doesn't want to take contraception herself.

It's her who will need to go through whatever the result of that pregnancy is.

It's just stupid to not have a conversation about what pregnancy would mean and it's stupid to willingly conceive with a man who doesn't want another child, regardless of how irresponsible he is.

SD1978 · 25/10/2021 17:32

I would tell him once. That as you're not on contraception the obvious outcome of not using it as a possible pregnancy. That way, even though it's already on him, you've made it obvious it's on him

2020isnotbehaving · 25/10/2021 17:36

Oh come on OF COURSE HE KNOWS who forgets that conversation? If he really does not want another child then he’s obviously planning on guilt tripping her into termination if she does get pregnant because that’s easier and no hassle for him. what is hassle
For him is to use condoms which is why he’s not using them.

He’s only happy because he’s almost convinced he knows what he can make you do. Any other man with any doubt and who does not want a child would be using protection. It’s not rocket science

RobertaFirmino · 25/10/2021 17:39

Any other man with any doubt and who does not want a child would be using protection. It’s not rocket science

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You are kidding, right?

tiggerwhocamefortea · 25/10/2021 17:44

Problem is you are subconsciously (or consciously?) manipulating the situation to your advantage - you know he doesn't want another child but is lax with contraception so you've refused to take contraception yourself using the old "it messes with my hormones" excuse because you know in the end you'll get what you want and then can merrily blame him for it 🤔

Lockheart · 25/10/2021 17:48

It's easy to say "well why should I?" but that's not a mature approach to problems in a relationship and nor is it a suitable solution when the potential outcome is a child, which deserves to be planned and wanted by both parents.

Forget about what you both want or don't want and think about the consequences, then discuss and deal with it like the adults you are instead of the children you might end up with.

And yes, this applies to both OP and her husband!

SickAndTiredAgain · 25/10/2021 17:53

No, I wouldn’t be having unprotected sex with someone who didn’t want another child.

But I wouldn’t just keep reminding him and just carry on like that. I’d be seriously annoyed at the ongoing responsibility being put on me and me alone, and I’d make that clear. If it continued it would put me off having sex with him tbh. He doesn’t want another baby, so by not bothering/caring/wanting to wear a condom he clearly doesn’t care about you being in a position where you’re pregnant, and he wants you to have an abortion.

Cherrysoup · 25/10/2021 17:54

Hold up, is he imagining that you will have an abortion if you fall pregnant given he’s i/c of contraception and not taking it seriously?! Surely not? I would think becoming pregnant is pretty inevitable if he isn’t consistently using a condom. Is he expecting you to track your cycle so you know if it’s a good time? I think he’s being ridiculous and he needs to stop having sex if he can’t take contraception seriously.

AgentJohnson · 25/10/2021 17:58

Print and laminate the following and display it prominently above your bead. “If you choose not to wear a condom, I will not be taking the MAP or will be having an abortion”.

Some men are under the impression that contraception is not their responsibility, even when they insist they don’t want to be a father again.

Why isn’t this level of selfish twattery, not already a form contraception for you?

mrsm43s · 25/10/2021 18:01

As a couple you have both agreed that you are not having another child.

Therefore you both need to take responsibility for contraception.

If you end up pregnant because you are not using contraception, then you are both responsible for allowing that to happen.

If you feel strongly that you want another child, and you don't want to stick to the agreement that you have jointly made, then talk to your DH rather than trying to get pregnant by stealth.

RandomMess · 25/10/2021 18:04

You need to have a sensible conversation about it and tell him you will not be taking the MAP because he may well be assuming you will if his carelessness causes you to pregnant.

NewlyGranny · 25/10/2021 18:07

Every unplanned pregnancy is the result of a male ejaculation.100% of them.

If a man doesn't want another child but knows his DW does, he needs to be 100% responsible about contraception.

Vasectomy is his best option!

Ijustreallywantacat · 25/10/2021 18:08

Don't do this via subterfuge and manipulation.

Have an adult conversation with him and make it really clear that you will not get an abortion if you fall pregnant, nor take a MAP, nor are you on hormonal contraception. I've done exactly the same with my DP and he uses condoms meticulously.

Cherrysoup · 25/10/2021 18:24

@NewlyGranny

Every unplanned pregnancy is the result of a male ejaculation.100% of them.

If a man doesn't want another child but knows his DW does, he needs to be 100% responsible about contraception.

Vasectomy is his best option!

Totally!

Original poster

happybee93 · 25/10/2021 18:24

Thank you MN for the brutal honesty, I think I really needed to hear it.

We've had the conversation that I wouldn't abort another child, and I do feel he's being unfair in giving me the glimmer of hope that he's going to change his mind, as he's willing to be risky.

I think honestly the only way to resolve it is for him to get a vasectomy, then I could make my peace with it and he wouldn't have to stress.

OP posts:

soughsigh · 25/10/2021 18:24

I can't believe that he is willing to have unprotected sex and not want a child.

However, even if you do want one, I would insist he wears a condom or you don't have sex. We only had sex once to concieve DD, it's a risky game he's playing.

And good for you for refusing to use hormonal contraception. I made it clear at the beginning of our relationship that I wouldn't either and we would have to use condoms, we managed to not concieve for 5 years just using them.

TravelLost · 25/10/2021 18:35

I’d be careful.
DH was the same (don’t like condoms blablabla). Was using the withdrawal method.

I had to make a lengthy explanation as to why this was extremely unsafe on a pg pov. Still didn’t want to do anything else.
He finally got the snip but it later transpired that he was expecting me to have an abortion if I had been pg!

So yes I’d also make it clear you would NOT be happy with a termination due HIS lack of responsibility re contraception….

FuckyNel · 25/10/2021 18:35

Men are thick as mince

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 25/10/2021 18:44

He's an adult, you've told him what will happen if you get pregnant, so he knows the consequences of unprotected sex. Up to him, I think he's being very foolish and if he kicks up a fuss ifyou do get pregnant he's only got himself to blame

It never ceases to amaze me how many men, who don't want more children but are really lax about contraception. I know when I didn't want dc I was (I was going to say anal ) really careful to take it and not miss a day. But I guess if you're the one that will carry the baby, and probably be the primary carer if you split, you do tend to be more careful.

beonetomatter · 25/10/2021 20:24

I talked to my husband and he said that according to him, your husband subconsciously wants another child. He doesn't believe he forgets to put it on.

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