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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like he does know what’s going on but doesn’t want to say

37 replies

Bolynne · 25/10/2021 13:56

Ok so I’m posting here for traffic but it might be tmi so I apologise in advance. I was hoping for a few different people’s perspectives as I don’t know what to think.

Ok so me and my dh are having some issues in the bedroom. I know that over the years you can have the odd blip but we never really have not until now at least. Basically, and like I said I’m sorry if this is tmi, my dh keeps losing his erection when we go to have sex. I know this can happen every now and again and it’s usually no big deal but it’s happening like all the time now. What I don’t get though is when we are fooling around dh doesn’t have a problem getting or keeping an erection but the moment we go to dtd he looses it. I haven’t made a huge deal about it as I don’t want him to feel bad, but deep down I’m frustrated. FWIW He’s 45, I’m 40. He’s not overweight, doesn’t drink to excess, is relatively fit etc so I doubt it’s anything medical, especially when you factor in he can get and keep an erection when we are doing other things. So yeah I’m not sure what’s going on. I’ve asked him if he’s ok and he assures me our sex life (when we have it) is great and I have to agree it’s always been good. That’s what’s frustrating. This has been going on for about 3 months now and although we are both satisfied in general with the intimacy between us we are both frustrated due the lack of sex. AIBU to think it’s either me or if it’s not me my dh knows what is going on with him but he doesn’t want to say?

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 25/10/2021 13:58

I think sadly this does come with age and worrying about it then compounds the issue. Would he consider viagra?

Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:01

I know it might sound daft asking as it should be pretty obvious but how does viagra help? By that I mean is it usually just for men who have a medical problem as in they can’t get an erection at all or is for men who have difficulty maintaining one too?

OP posts:
Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:02

I guess if my dh was having a problem in general getting an erection I’d be more inclined to think it was medical and he might be open to trying viagra but he is only losing it when we go to have sex so I’m thinking there is an issue I don’t know about.

OP posts:
AndTime · 25/10/2021 14:04

Do you carry on with other activities to completion for at least you after the loss of erection or does that signal the end of proceedings?

FreeBritnee · 25/10/2021 14:04

It’s certainly out there for erectile dysfunction generally. Obviously there’s will be some health conditions here it wouldn’t be a suitable medication. If he’s fit and healthy otherwise it sounds like he’d be a suitable candidate.

Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:09

Yes we carry on. He gets frustrated but he said it’s because he feels like he’s let me down but I’ve assured him I love him and it’s ok but I am a little worried. We have so much chemistry which after almost 20 years being together plus having children both working running the house etc is greet. It’s just the last few months where things have changed and I don’t know why. My dh had a vasectomy in January and as soon as he was able to we got back to having (protected) sex and then once he got the all clear we were like great no worries. He got the all clear in the May and the issues only started around July so I don’t think it’s linked to the procedure.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 14:24

It's probably worth him seeing a doctor. It doesn't sound like it's a relationship issue

Wegobshite · 25/10/2021 14:25

Is he taking any tablets
Tramadol amatrypiline & similar tablets can cause problems for men in the bedroom
I would say he’s quite Young to be having problems my dh is 54 and the only time he’s had any problems is when he’s been taking the above tablets

Member984815 · 25/10/2021 14:27

Prostate issues ? Has he had his prostate checked lately?

Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:27

No he doesn’t take any tablets or have any medical conditions that we know about. I think it’s definitely psychological as he is fine when we do other things. I was lay in bed with him yesterday morning and I was only stroking his face and arm and suddenly he had an erection. So I don’t get it.

OP posts:
Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:27

No he’s not had his prostate checked.

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GoodnightGrandma · 25/10/2021 14:28

Does he watch porn ?

Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:29

He does occasionally yes. I’ve never had an issue with this.

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UltimateBugKilla · 25/10/2021 14:30

@GoodnightGrandma that was my immediate thought too.

GoodnightGrandma · 25/10/2021 14:31

@Bolynne

He does occasionally yes. I’ve never had an issue with this.
It might be the issue though
Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:32

Does watching porn make a difference though? He only watches it every now and again so I wouldn’t have thought so.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 25/10/2021 14:33

If he wanks off to it then yes. He’s used to a firm grip, not a vagina.

GoodnightGrandma · 25/10/2021 14:34

I believe it’s known as the grip of death on MN.

Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:35

As far as I know his grip is typical. In the past I’ve been to firm and he has said so. Plus when we’ve had sex in the past it’s been great and him watching porn isn’t a new thing so it doesn’t make sense.

OP posts:
Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:36

Plus it’s not like we have sex and then he loses his erection. If this was the case I’d be more inclined to think the death grip scenario was possible. He looses it before we have sex so that’s why I was wondering if something else was going on.

OP posts:
UltimateBugKilla · 25/10/2021 14:39

Unfortunately its more than just having a quick wank, its also about how he then see's sex, his visual appeal, what he is thinking about, stimulation, it doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you, or really want to engage in sexual activity, but it csn be very damaging to a healthy sexual relationship.

Obviously none of us can say that is why he is experiencing this problem, but it could be part of it.

Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:41

I suppose what I’m thinking is we’ve been together for 20 years and he has watched porn occasionally on and off for years yet our sex life remained very good. That’s why I’m struggling to understand how that could suddenly be the problem.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 25/10/2021 14:46

Does he see it as a problem? If so, seeking medical advice is up to him. I know you're looking for suggestions as to why it's happening, but please don't feel it's your problem to deal with.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2021 14:46

Low testosterone can cause this. I'd have him get his levels checked.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 14:49

@Bolynne why are you taking the porn suggestion more seriously than ED if porn hasn't ever been an issue?