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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give them a wedding gift?

50 replies

Charlene1971 · 25/10/2021 12:06

A close relative is getting married in a years time and it's a destination wedding. All in, the accommodation and flights are going to cost close to 1k, if not more Sad, and that's not including spending money. I'm a bridesmaid, and this relative will be in my wedding party when I get married in 2 years time.

Where I'm from it's the norm to give someone around £200 when they get married, and a little more if they're a close relative (around £300 - £500).

I know that this isn't the norm in many places in the UK, but bearing in mind that it is the norm where I'm from, WIBU to get them a card and something small? I honestly can't afford to give them money on top of what it's already going to cost.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene1971 · 25/10/2021 12:07

Sorry, the title should have been "To not give them money as a wedding gift"

OP posts:
User527294627 · 25/10/2021 12:07

I mean, from my perspective as a British person a small gift under the circumstances would be totally fine.

parietal · 25/10/2021 12:08

if this person doesn't understand why there is no gift, they will be confused and upset. if they are a close relative, you need to talk to them. Explain that money is very tight. Tell them you will be getting a card & a small gift. Communicate about it.

Waspsarearseholes · 25/10/2021 12:10

I think they ought to expect nothing from any of their guests if they're expecting everyone to travel to the destination to attend their wedding. This is probably what they're thinking anyway.

Merryoldgoat · 25/10/2021 12:12

I couldn’t imagine expecting a gift when inconveniencing people with a destination wedding. I would’ve stated explicitly ’no gifts’ but I wouldn’t have a wedding like that so my views might not be representative.

Basicbitch40 · 25/10/2021 12:16

I suspect you're Irish from the info and I have to say that as another Irish person, less than 100 euro on a wedding present is a bit tight I think.

LetHimHaveIt · 25/10/2021 12:23

You are the bloody gift. They shouldn't be confused or upset. They should have the wit to realize that a gift won't be forthcoming.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 12:37

@Basicbitch40

I suspect you're Irish from the info and I have to say that as another Irish person, less than 100 euro on a wedding present is a bit tight I think.
When she's spending £1000 to attend the wedding? Nonsense.

OP a small gift is fine.

Cherrysoup · 25/10/2021 12:43

Spending over £1000 just to attend “! Who’s paying for the dress/shoes/jewellery/hair/makeup on the day? This could be very expensive. There’s no way I’d be giving a gift too, especially as you’re presumably saving for your own wedding? I think a destination wedding is the height of entitlement if you expect people to attend.

DDivaStar · 25/10/2021 12:49

I can't really comment as this is so far from what I experience.

I would do as you say but maybe just mention that you're sorry it isn't cash for the present as you're prioritising attending the wedding.

traintraveller · 25/10/2021 12:51

If you didn't want to spend money to attend you could have declined. I see where you are coming from but if you get a token gift you have to expect them to get you the same.

TableDesk · 25/10/2021 12:54

Also irish here. The 300 + gift is bullshit, but unfortunately the norm. I would speak to the bride & tell her your situation

heretohelpGB · 25/10/2021 12:57

Yep if Irish that would be expectation BUT if close enough to be bridesmaid are you close enough to explain that it is either gift or you coming as you can't afford both?

Original poster
Charlene1971 · 25/10/2021 13:03

@traintraveller

If you didn't want to spend money to attend you could have declined. I see where you are coming from but if you get a token gift you have to expect them to get you the same.
@traintraveller

Sorry, where in my post did I say I didn't want to spend money to attend? Confused did you read my post properly?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene1971 · 25/10/2021 13:05

Hi all, thanks so much for commenting.

I'm just worried that I might look a bit tight, but, as mentioned, we are saving for our own wedding and simply can't afford a cash gift. I was going to see about mentioning we get eachother a token gift for each of our weddings, rather than money.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 25/10/2021 13:07

* I think they ought to expect nothing from any of their guests if they're expecting everyone to travel to the destination to attend their wedding.*

^I agree.

Floridorhorrididontknow · 25/10/2021 13:12

We had a year with four weddings. And every single one was a destination wedding. It cost us about £7k to attend them. It was ludicrous. I’d have happily not gone but they were very close friends and family and we were able to afford it, so went. But I only gave each couple a card. No one said anything and if they had, I’d have been poised and ready with a rapier-sharp cut down. Probably.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2021 13:31

Some of these replies 😂 a wedding invite is an invite, it can be declined. At no point has the op said she’s inconvenienced and doesn’t wish to go. Personally I love a destination wedding and plenty are happy to go.

It’s so odd that so many on here hate a wedding and feel they are doing the bride and grooom a massive favour just by showing up.

Op as this is a relative just explain you’re skint and can’t afford a gift. I’m sure they will understand,

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2021 13:32

@Floridorhorrididontknow

We had a year with four weddings. And every single one was a destination wedding. It cost us about £7k to attend them. It was ludicrous. I’d have happily not gone but they were very close friends and family and we were able to afford it, so went. But I only gave each couple a card. No one said anything and if they had, I’d have been poised and ready with a rapier-sharp cut down. Probably.
I’m sure they did say something..just not to your face.
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 25/10/2021 13:36

I had a destination wedding (because my husband is from the destination and he had relatives that are too ill to fly here). I didn't expect gifts, especially from those who paid to come from the UK. I was astonished to be given a lot of cash from his friends and family....it's the norm to give a lot there too. I'm dreading being in a position where we are expected to 'return the favour' as we're skint! But my husband's friends and family are nice so I think they'll not expect it to be honest.

Mayhemmumma · 25/10/2021 13:37

I did this , albeit it was ten years ago and we were in our twenties, not rich and about to have a baby.
We did expensive hen do, brought bridesmaid stuff, travelled abroad, paid for the (amazing) stay but it cost a lot and I didn't buy anything else. Token present seemed daft when we were abroad, so nice card was it...maybe that was wrong?

Truthlikeness · 25/10/2021 13:39

My brother had a destination wedding. It cost me (alone) £2k. He didn't get a gift!

Stickyblue1987 · 25/10/2021 13:47

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it, but that's doesn't seem the case here. It sounds like you're prioritising saving for your wedding over this one (rightly) but I would be embarrassed to not give a gift under these circumstances. Given that you must have money (as you're saving for your wedding), I'd rather downgrade my flowers/ source a cheaper alternative for wedding favours etc and put £100 in a card for the bride for which I'm a bridesmaid.

Personally I wouldn't attend a destination wedding if putting £100 in a card was going to put me in financial difficulty.

Floridorhorrididontknow · 25/10/2021 14:01

I’m sure they did say something..just not to your face.

Perhaps, @Bluntness100, perhaps. But perhaps they just appreciated that their family and friends had flown out to watch them get married in their exotic chosen destination. However, if they wanted to bitch about us behind our backs for only spending nearly two grand being there and then not picking a stack of fifties into their card, they can crack on, that’s on them.

crosstalk · 25/10/2021 14:02

Can you say no to the wedding and explain you'd prefer to give money rather than spend so much on getting there? Actually talk to your close relative about your problems?