Page 2 | To not give them a wedding gift?

Charlene1971 · 2021-10-25T11:06:16+00:00

A close relative is getting married in a years time and it's a destination wedding. All in, the accommodation and flights are going to cost close to 1k, if not more [sad], and that's not including spending money. I'm a bridesmaid, and this relative will be in my wedding party when I get married in 2 years time. Where I'm from it's the norm to give someone around £200 when they get married, and a little more if they're a close relative (around £300 - £500). I know that this isn't the norm in many places in the UK, but bearing in mind that it is the norm where I'm from, WIBU to get them a card and something small? I honestly can't afford to give them money on top of what it's already going to cost.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2021 14:05

@Floridorhorrididontknow

I’m sure they did say something..just not to your face.

Perhaps, @Bluntness100, perhaps. But perhaps they just appreciated that their family and friends had flown out to watch them get married in their exotic chosen destination. However, if they wanted to bitch about us behind our backs for only spending nearly two grand being there and then not picking a stack of fifties into their card, they can crack on, that’s on them.

Possibly. But if I had a spare seven grand to spend on going to weddings and it was for people I loved or cared for, I can’t imagine as then complaining and refusing to buy them a gift. But you need to crack on. I don’t think anyone said you should stic a pack of fifties in their card. How silly.

Dixiechickonhols · 25/10/2021 14:07

If they are close enough for you to be a bridesmaid speak to them. Say you’d love to be bridesmaid but getting there etc will take a lot of saving and you don’t want to cause offence as you can’t afford money gift too.

Floridorhorrididontknow · 25/10/2021 14:13

Possibly. But if I had a spare seven grand to spend on going to weddings and it was for people I loved or cared for, I can’t imagine as then complaining and refusing to buy them a gift. But you need to crack on. I don’t think anyone said you should stic a pack of fifties in their card. How silly.

Why are you trying to pick on me, @Bluntness100? what am I ‘complaining’ about?

Also, as the OP said she might be expected to give a cash gift on top of her vast expenditure to attend, I used a ‘stack of fifties’ as a shorthand way of describing my own choice not to. Also, I normally use fifties if I do give a cash gift as they’re less bulky in the card.

Notaroadrunner · 25/10/2021 14:15

@Charlene1971

Hi all, thanks so much for commenting.

I'm just worried that I might look a bit tight, but, as mentioned, we are saving for our own wedding and simply can't afford a cash gift. I was going to see about mentioning we get eachother a token gift for each of our weddings, rather than money.

Your suggestion of a token gift is perfect, given you are getting married afterwards. I think anyone asking someone to be part of their wedding party abroad should pay towards costs. It's a huge amount to pay out for the sake of someone else's wedding if they don't.

Original poster

Charlene1971 · 25/10/2021 15:26

@crosstalk

Can you say no to the wedding and explain you'd prefer to give money rather than spend so much on getting there? Actually talk to your close relative about your problems?

@crosstalk

Selfish as it might be, I would definitely prefer to be there and spend the money on getting there, rather than tell then I can't go and give them far less money as a gift. If that makes sense?

OP posts:

YoungGiftedPlump · 25/10/2021 15:49

I assumed that those choosing destination weddings paid for the bridal party- is that not the case?

Merryoldgoat · 25/10/2021 15:50

@YoungGiftedPlump

I assumed that those choosing destination weddings paid for the bridal party- is that not the case?

actual lolz

TheDuchessOfMN · 25/10/2021 15:58

You could word it such that you’d both exchange token gifts, given that you’re both getting married?
I can’t see a problem with that

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2021 16:36

@YoungGiftedPlump

I assumed that those choosing destination weddings paid for the bridal party- is that not the case?

Um no. Why would you think that. It’s an invite, not a summons, peoole can review their finances and make a decision.

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/10/2021 17:30

The ace up your sleeve here is that you're getting married soon too. So you can suggest no/token gift for both of you. You're not saying no gift from you and just leaving it hanging.

(If the bride's up for it, you could hand over an envelope with a few sheets of photocopier paper/Monopoly money in it, and she gives them back to you when it's your turn )

EmeraldShamrock · 25/10/2021 17:31

If you can't afford it they'll understand.
Unfortunately it is usually expected.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/10/2021 17:34

I assumed that those choosing destination weddings paid for the bridal party- is that not the case?
It is sometimes

Dsis paid for both set of parents and bridal party flights.

LetHimHaveIt · 25/10/2021 17:34

@Floridorhorrididontknow

Possibly. But if I had a spare seven grand to spend on going to weddings and it was for people I loved or cared for, I can’t imagine as then complaining and refusing to buy them a gift. But you need to crack on. I don’t think anyone said you should stic a pack of fifties in their card. How silly.

Why are you trying to pick on me, @Bluntness100? what am I ‘complaining’ about?

Also, as the OP said she might be expected to give a cash gift on top of her vast expenditure to attend, I used a ‘stack of fifties’ as a shorthand way of describing my own choice not to. Also, I normally use fifties if I do give a cash gift as they’re less bulky in the card.

It appears to be a compulsion. I wouldn't worry about it, were I you.

SylvanasWindrunner · 25/10/2021 17:42

I think if you have a destination wedding that requires people to spend quite a lot of money and take time off work to get there, expecting them to shell out more money as a gift is pretty grabby tbh. I'd just be happy and grateful they were attending, and if anyone did get us anything I'd think that was incredibly generous.

But I'm always out of step with wedding stuff on MN as I find a lot of the etiquette around it incredibly bizarre and more about what people feel entitled to v actually wanting to spend time and share an occasion with people they love.

daretodenim · 25/10/2021 17:57

Are you also having a destination wedding? If not and if she's not going to be spending £1000+ on attending yours then she might feel a bit odd about giving you a smaller gift.

I think you're going to have to broach the topic of finances being tight and you want to attend.

However, I do wonder whether you really can't afford £100 gift if you're paying £1000 to attend, or it's more that you don't want to (which tbh I'd completely understand!).

Original poster

Charlene1971 · 25/10/2021 18:29

@daretodenim

Are you also having a destination wedding? If not and if she's not going to be spending £1000+ on attending yours then she might feel a bit odd about giving you a smaller gift.

I think you're going to have to broach the topic of finances being tight and you want to attend.

However, I do wonder whether you really can't afford £100 gift if you're paying £1000 to attend, or it's more that you don't want to (which tbh I'd completely understand!).

We honestly can't afford it, we're putting ourselves in debt to afford the trip to this wedding as it is.

Ours is not a destination wedding, it's in Ireland and they're in England, and we're actually sorting out their accommodation and allowing them to stay in our house whilst here.

OP posts:

DampSquidGames · 25/10/2021 18:35

A friend of mine and I got married a month apart and we agreed to not buy each other a present to save some money and also time as we both had a lot on.
Is this an option?

Nonameslefttochose · 25/10/2021 18:51

This is why I never wanted to have a destination wedding, I didn’t want people to be spending so much money to attend my wedding- it’s simply not fair. OP a small gift is fine, a lovely card and a bottle of champagne. We had 2 friends at our wedding who didn’t give us anything (both travelled from abroad) - we were a bit shocked, and we thought it was very rude- but we didn’t mean the lack of present, we meant the lack of at least a card! If they even gave a card it would be lovely. So do give a card and even a bottle of wine- and I’m sure they will understand

RichardMarxisinnocent · 25/10/2021 18:53

Um no. Why would you think that. It’s an invite, not a summons, peoole can review their finances and make a decision.
I would have assumed that too. I wouldn't assume they'd pay for all the guests, but if the bride and groom want specific people be best man and bridesmaid(s), unless they know those people can easily afford travel and accommodation costs, surely they should pay otherwise they risk their chosen best man and bridesmaids not being able to come to the wedding. Or do people choose someone then if they say sorry can't afford to travel they have a list of second, third, fourth choice friends who they ask?

Lostmarbles2021 · 25/10/2021 19:17

I find this whole ‘you have to get a present’ mentality strange in general. I never expect to get presents and would never be hurt not to get one, no matter what the circumstances. It’s not my right to get a gift on my birthday, at Christmas or when I got married. In fact I much prefer to be shown love and appreciation in genuine words of care and gratitude and in how I’m treated by others.

Any way I agree with PPs that said talk to yourself friends and explain you might not be able to stretch to the gift as the wedding will cost you so much.

I do think that of you decide to have a wedding abroad and don’t subsidise your guests travel and accommodation, then that is their gift to you: the extra cost, the extra time dedicated to your special day and the use of annual leave on a holiday somewhere you might not have chosen to go with people you may not have chosen to spend that time with.

DentalWorries · 25/10/2021 19:26

I cannot imagine giving someone a gift when attending a destination wedding. Even a close family member wouldn’t be getting anything other than a card. I think it’s incredibly rude to expect any kind of gift when you’ve asked guests to give up annual leave and spend a considerable amount on attending your wedding

waterrat · 25/10/2021 19:32

I find some of the views around wedding gifts so weird. Expecting a gift is gross particularly given the original meaning of wedding gifts no longer applies as couples already live together

Lots of people didn't give us wedding gifts and I was glad they didn't feel they had to

Floridorhorrididontknow · 25/10/2021 19:47

It appears to be a compulsion. I wouldn't worry about it, were I you.

It’s odd isn’t it? She posts so much all day every day, and very little of it appears to be helpful or kind.

Maybe83 · 25/10/2021 20:00

I knew your were in Ireland when you mentioned the amounts. I have never given less than a 100e as a wedding present and that was for an evening invite. I have done destination weddings and do give less than I would at home at about 150e.

I would speak to her about token gifts in regards both your weddings which I think is a nice idea since you are both getting married and have significant financial outlays for them.

Original poster

Charlene1971 · 25/10/2021 20:19

@Floridorhorrididontknow

It appears to be a compulsion. I wouldn't worry about it, were I you.

It’s odd isn’t it? She posts so much all day every day, and very little of it appears to be helpful or kind.

@Floridorhorrididontknow

Please ignore her. She comments on every single post I read, and is always super self righteous and up herself. She loves to drag the OP down most of the time. Fair enough, she didn't do it on me here, but she has on previous posts.

A few weeks ago she commented on one of my threads (NC since then) telling me I was wrong for believing one thing, then she commented on another thread by another person saying the exact opposite of what she said to me! 🙄 I believe they spend their day on Mumsnet trying to make people feel bad about themselves, whether it's the OP or another poster on the thread....

OP posts: