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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Maid on Netflix needs to be watched. (Potential TW)

54 replies

Dogscanteatonions · 24/10/2021 20:39

Mostly posting here for traffic but I've been in tears watching this as it's made me Realise how abusive my exh was and how difficult it was to tell people or even admit it was happening because he never actually 'hit' me.

The verbal/emotional abuse was terrible when he was drunk and boy did he drink and often.

The gaslighting if I dared mention it, the utter fear I lived in of saying the wrong thing, how fucking careful he was to do everything 'but' hit me. The pinning me down, the bruises, oh he was so fucking careful that if I'd tried to tell someone it would be hard to describe anything he'd actually done.

I'm posting here so I can just have a rant. I'm glad I'm not with him but I know so many women are going through this.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 25/10/2021 00:20

Binge-watched it one night. Thought it was brilliant. Loved Andy McDowell as the crazy hippy mother.

Films like that always remind me how glad I am I got the fuck away.

hamstersarse · 25/10/2021 00:23

It brought back many awful ghosts for me. It made me cry and cry and cry.

I think the bit which really got me and is clearly something I’ve not dealt with is just the constant betrayal by friends and family. Them downplaying, turning the other cheek, outright refusing to help.

That betrayal is one of the most hurtful things when you are in such a situation. This programme brought that all flooding back. Everyone just kept letting her down.

Pieceofpurplesky · 25/10/2021 00:30

It made me realise how lucky I have been to escape exh. Both DS and walked on eggshells around him as any little thing would result in him shouting, punching walls etc. funny thing is (and the narcissistic way) he told everyone it was me that was abusive and hard to live with as I had a breakdown when he left. Lost a lot of mutual friends. They have now seen the truth as he has done some bad shit since!

TheChip · 25/10/2021 00:33

I have just finished watching it. I thought I was healed enough to handle it, but by god its had me in absolute tears. When it finished it all just came pouring out. I've never cried like that for a long long time.

Its the struggle of getting back on your feet. It reminded me just how hard and exhausting it all was.
You're so focused on escaping that the struggle you're facing is kind of autopilot. Then you're on such high alert when finally out the other side for months or years that the struggle doesn't end, it just changes. Then you're focused on doing the best by your kids. I dont think I ever stopped to process just how difficult it was breaking away from it all. This series smacked me in the face with it.

Original poster
Dogscanteatonions · 25/10/2021 08:59

TheChip I feel exactly the same - smacked in the face

Flowers to everyone affected

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 25/10/2021 10:35

I've never cried like that for a long long time.

Me too @TheChip

Dirty crying

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 25/10/2021 10:42

I agree, everyone should watch this. Particularly all those people who say “why doesn’t she just leave?”.

Abuse is so complex. There is so much more context to it than “person decides to abuse partner”.

I found the courtroom scene where all Alex could hear was “legal legal legal” made the point very well just how unsupported and unprepared she was for that situation through no fault of her own. And that’s exactly how it is for anyone who is facing it for the first time during a crisis. She didn’t really stand a chance- did she?

coodawoodashooda · 25/10/2021 10:49

@Crunchingleaf

I am struggling to watch it as the abuse is a bit too close to my own experiences. The way he breaks her spirit without ever actually touching her. Very important to show an example of an abusive toxic relationship that doesn’t actually involve physical violence.
Oh im interested in that but worry it takes me back too.
RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 25/10/2021 10:53

There was physical violence, he threw things at her in their home, he also pushed her against the wall of their home. But he was very careful not to ball his hand into a fist and punch her. Because he knows that’s really the only thing people see as DV. This show was done very well because as this thread shows, people don’t actually recognise physical violence when they see it.

coodawoodashooda · 25/10/2021 10:59

@RachelHasThoseInBurgundy

There was physical violence, he threw things at her in their home, he also pushed her against the wall of their home. But he was very careful not to ball his hand into a fist and punch her. Because he knows that’s really the only thing people see as DV. This show was done very well because as this thread shows, people don’t actually recognise physical violence when they see it.
Well i hope everyone watches it. Sounds like my marriage was.
Muttly · 25/10/2021 11:01

Yes Rachael I agree he was physically abusive. I thought it was illustrating her minimising and denial of the abuse in her first visit to the shelter. Everyone there got how serious the abuse was.

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 25/10/2021 11:14

Yes it was clear Alex didn’t actually know that that “being hit” wasn’t the only kind of physical abuse. Being hit is usually an escalation of other, less obvious physical abuse. Things like pushing past you so it bumps you against the wall, opening a kitchen cupboard door so you have to duck to avoid being hurt, standing on your foot when walking past you. All things that can be explained as “accidental” but when you look at the context they happen in, theres usually no doubt about whether they were accidental.

One of my friends was being abused by her husband financially, emotionally and mentally. She didn’t see it as abusive because he hadn’t hurt her physically. Then one day she phoned me saying he had pushed her, and almost as soon as she had said it, she started minimising and back tracking with “well, I don’t know if he meant to hurt me, I don’t think he meant for me to fall, we were arguing and he pushed me to get past me, I was in the doorway, I actually just lost my balance. He just wanted to get out- he didnt mean to actually push me.”

That’s how our brains work. We struggle to accept that someone we love did actually deliberately hurt us, and they know this, which is why they hurt us in ways that can easily be explained as accidental or even our own clumsiness/fault. It’s a massive thing having to leave a relationship, your home, move your children, so yes, our brains look for ways to avoid having to do it until it gets to the point where we really can’t stay.

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 25/10/2021 11:15

My friend didn’t leave her husband, he cheated on her and left for OW. Thank goodness! Tbh I’m not sure she ever would have left him.

Gilead · 25/10/2021 11:42

Can’t watch it, tried but five years down the line I still have PTSD. Been there and stuck it out for more than 20 years.

hamstersarse · 25/10/2021 11:44

The woman who ran the shelter was an actual hero.

I will see her face in my mind for many years to come.

coodawoodashooda · 25/10/2021 11:45

@RachelHasThoseInBurgundy

I agree, everyone should watch this. Particularly all those people who say “why doesn’t she just leave?”.

Abuse is so complex. There is so much more context to it than “person decides to abuse partner”.

I found the courtroom scene where all Alex could hear was “legal legal legal” made the point very well just how unsupported and unprepared she was for that situation through no fault of her own. And that’s exactly how it is for anyone who is facing it for the first time during a crisis. She didn’t really stand a chance- did she?

Yes. This.
hamstersarse · 25/10/2021 11:47

@Gilead

Can’t watch it, tried but five years down the line I still have PTSD. Been there and stuck it out for more than 20 years.
Sorry to hear it was triggering for you @Gilead

Keep on your journey. Every day you are out you will get a bit stronger Flowers

LittleDandelionClock · 25/10/2021 11:47

Gonna put this on my 'list!'

Thanks for the heads-up @Dogscanteatonions

coodawoodashooda · 25/10/2021 12:00

@Curledpup

Yes and all the people around her were convinced he was a good guy deep down. So confusing for her
So familiar
coodawoodashooda · 27/10/2021 00:53

@washerdrier

The most powerful bit for me is when she no longer has a car (deliberately vague as to why, in order to avoid spoilers).

He breaks her in every way possible without ever laying a finger on her or their daughter and for that I agree everyone should watch.

The early red flags the partner displays are good to discuss with teens watching with you too.

Does it make her look foolish?
Muttly · 27/10/2021 16:34

Does it make her look foolish?

Absolutely not. It shows the real lack of options she has.

TenThousandSpoons · 27/10/2021 17:11

I’ve just watched all of this. When Sean went to AA and really seemed to have changed it was so understandable that she went back to him. Then when she realised she was back to square one Sad

Andi MacDowell was brilliant.

coodawoodashooda · 27/10/2021 17:12

Does it show how impossible it was for her friends to relate? One of the things ive struggled with most is the judgment.

Eaumyword · 27/10/2021 17:13

I absolutely loved this programme. I thought the acting was superb from the whole cast and it emphasised the hopelessness of her situation and also that abuse isn't limited to being physically hurt.
I cried buckets at every episode.
Like many pp's, I know what it is like to tiptoe round the mood of a partner Sad

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