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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at the reaction to my DD's divorce?

43 replies

flowerylane · 24/10/2021 19:40

My DD who is 28 has split from her DH who is in his 40's, my DD was 26 when she married her DH. I've had some comments from friends and wider family saying things such as "I told you it wouldn't last", "what did she expect marrying someone 15 years older than her" and "I feel sorry for her DH's kids having their Dad on his second divorce". For context my DD has not heard these comments made about her and I never plan on telling her about them. Maybe it's my emotions and being protective of my DD but I feel annoyed with these comments and feel like telling them that if they were so sure it wouldn't last why did they bother going to the wedding?

Sorry rant over

OP posts:

Guavaf1sh · 24/10/2021 19:45

It’s totally not on saying they thought it wouldn’t last but the second comment is fine. It’s fine to feel sorry for the kids - i would

Pandaly · 24/10/2021 19:48

They should be congratulating her for realising it wasn't going to work so soon

BigYellowHat · 24/10/2021 19:51

That’s so mean! These aren’t friends @flowerylane Nice people wouldn’t say that, I think you’re finding out who your friends are now.
Just out of interest, did all these smug twats try to ‘warn’ you or her at the time of the marriage?

Duchess379 · 24/10/2021 19:53

If I thought this I would certainly keep it to myself & be outwardly sympathetic to the situation. Some people need to use their 'filter' more..

Hankunamatata · 24/10/2021 19:55

She was married 2 years perhaps the cracks were more obvious to those outside the family

drpet49 · 24/10/2021 20:05

* She was married 2 years perhaps the cracks were more obvious to those outside the family*

^Without a doubt this

Eleganz · 24/10/2021 20:11

Sorry that people are being so insensitive to actually say this to your face OP. However, as others have said, divorce after 2 years is fast, outside celebrity marriages, perhaps the incompatibilities were obvious to others.

scarpa · 24/10/2021 20:16

They might be a bit stupid saying as much to you, but if I'm totally honest, I'd be thinking the same.

Perhaps they think that as her mum you might also have been thinking along the same lines - marriage over after 2 years suggests sime fairly major issues that might already have been obvious, and the big age gap and his children might have been part of it. They might not have been being cruel, but just saying what they assumed you would already be thinking.

It's understandable that you're protective of your daughter, but I sense that you maybe see what they're saying - if you thought they were wildly off base or saying something really out of order, surely you'd just be saying so to them?

scarpa · 24/10/2021 20:18

On your point about the wedding - it's a bigger social faux pas to not attend a friend or family member's wedding while they're ostensibly happy because you think it won't last, than it is to express that you felt that way once it's been proven that you were right.

Pontypandytaxpayer · 24/10/2021 20:20

What did you think about their relationship before they separated?

HazelBite · 24/10/2021 20:22

Tell me about it OP!
Ds1 and his wife are divorcing for very complex reasons, (following a tragedy) Ds is living with us temporarily while his wife sorts her housing out.
When people ask why is DS living with you and I say he and wife have split all I get is "has he/she met someone else/having an affair?"
People seeem to feel the need to comment and, then I get "Why then?"
It really isn't anyones business and I've had to come up with some stock phrases as vague as possible whilst shutting down their enquiries!
OP it isn't easy is it!

nc87653 · 24/10/2021 20:22

YANBU to be annoyed. They're awful comments.

Relationships fail for all sorts of reasons and at all sorts of ages and all sorts of stages in a marriage.

Fwiw I married someone 15 years older than me and we're still together.

Hawkins001 · 24/10/2021 20:28

my ex ,is im guessing in a marriage of a similar age gap, and they have two kids, from what intelligence i know, he seems a good dad ect, but then on the other hand there have been comments to suggest he has a bit of a double sided personality, eg all charms to complete his mission or achieve his goal ect, but then when x is not needed or not important, its a different kettle of fish, i do wonder just how long the marriage will last or weather the dam will break at some point. personally for the kids at least i hope the dam holds, but my gut is, im not sure how long it will hold so to speak based on some factors that are hinting that her dh is having an affair although more intelligence is needed to prove that angle.

lap90 · 24/10/2021 20:33

I am surprised they voiced these comments to you tbh... one of those things one might think but would not openly voice.

JurgensCakeBaby · 24/10/2021 20:34

Honestly my best friend's sister was married less than two years, the wedding was huge. I wasn't at all surprised when they split so quickly, the focus was so much on the wedding day rather than the marriage and I was a bit surprised it went ahead, even when we'd seen them in the run up things didn't seem good. I would never ever say it to them or anyone other than my best friend and even to her it was only because she'd previously expressed to me they were rocky and she wasn't sure it would last. It friends how close the friends are to you, maybe they feel they can be honest.
I agree with the sentiment about the children and that's not even really about your daughter, it's just the second divorce they've been through.

toconclude · 24/10/2021 20:34

@Hawkins001

Absolutely none of which is anything to do with the age gap...

Harlequin1088 · 24/10/2021 20:40

I feel for your daughter. I married at
24 and divorced at 26 and the comments made (sometimes within my earshot, sometimes not) were horrific.

"You didn't try very hard, did you?"

"Two years is nothing. In our day you worked at a marriage."

And so on and so forth. My answer to every single comment was, "Well if you think my husband is so great, you're welcome to marry the fucker". Blunt, I know but I was hurting and I'd had my fill of the unhelpful comments.

Sending love and light to your daughter. Divorce is rough. Please tell her from me, it does get better and she will be happy again.

YouokHun · 24/10/2021 20:42

I think people enjoy the drama and like to be right. They like the idea so much that they can’t help themselves and have to tell you that they predicted as much. It’s also a bit of a leading statement in the hope you’ll give them the ins and outs of it. People who care are genuinely sad for everyone involved and don’t rush to judge.

I am 54 and have many friends who I’ve met in the last 20 years who have been married for years but I’ve been surprised how many are on their second marriages after having short-lived first marriages - it happens. Of course it’s not ideal but it’s easy to say “we knew it wouldn’t work” when no one knows the real story of why it went wrong.

I agree with @HazelBite, come up with some stock phrases and close them down “well it’s none of our business is it? And no doubt it’s more complicated than any casual observer can possibly know”.

Eealoty · 24/10/2021 20:42

Same old MN vitriol about the age gap in these comments, always brings out those who think their "wise" negative comment will somehow be taken onboard by an unsuspecting stranger. So transparent and predictable!

asteroommatus · 24/10/2021 20:43

I find it odd that people are saying it out loud.

But if so many people have said the same, it must have been quite obvious from the outside.

You say why did they come to the wedding? Would you prefer these people rsvp'd with 'we won't be attending as its clear its a mistake'.

I am maid of honour at my best friends wedding next year. She shouldn't be getting married. She knows my thoughts, but insists it will be fine. She is with him because they have a severely disabled dd and she is fatid of not being able to cope alone. So I am doing what best friends do. Supporting her decision and will be there to support her.

I have another friend who got married to her dp. He had cheated twice and the wedding had been called off twice. People were so negative about her choice to stay, they trauma bonded and she was determined to prove everyone wrong. He has engaged in other dodgy behaviour. She now knows she shouldn't have married him. But again feels trapped. I am sure she will leave him in the next few years. Again I attended the wedding to support her. Her brother amd sister refused and it caused a family split.

Its good your dd has had the courage to leave. But expecting people to refuse to attend based on their reservations is a bit silly and would have caused huge problems. For most people it's better in the long run to just attend.

billy1966 · 24/10/2021 20:44

Really rude OP and you have every right not to be impressed.

A hard stare and a do you mean to be so rude, are appropriate.

As others have noted, they might well think these things but saying them to you or asking why is really bloody rude and inappropriate.

She is a young woman, and a brave one to really she has made a mistake and want to move on.

Hawkins001 · 24/10/2021 20:45

[quote toconclude]@Hawkins001

Absolutely none of which is anything to do with the age gap...[/quote]
fair point, i agree, i think the age gap is more relevant im guessing towards different aspects of what each person considers more important in the marriage and in life in general. thats just my guess and i could be wrong. i should of added that bit in my post,

eeyore228 · 24/10/2021 20:58

@ Pandaly why make the assumption it wouldn't work? I was 22 and my DH was 36. Still together and I'm 40 now. Not the case for everyone

LaurieFairyCake · 24/10/2021 21:01

People just marry appallingly badly

Including me, the first time 😬

Pandaly · 24/10/2021 21:10

@eeyore228

@ Pandaly why make the assumption it wouldn't work? I was 22 and my DH was 36. Still together and I'm 40 now. Not the case for everyone

Oh I didn't mean because of the age gap. I just meant generally if someone gets divorced fairly soon I think society should congratulate/support them for not dragging it out for years in the hopes it will change.

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