To be annoyed at the reaction to my DD's divorce?

[flowerylane]

My DD who is 28 has split from her DH who is in his 40's, my DD was 26 when she married her DH. I've had some comments from friends and wider family saying things such as "I told you it wouldn't last", "what did she expect marrying someone 15 years older than her" and "I feel sorry for her DH's kids having their Dad on his second divorce". For context my DD has not heard these comments made about her and I never plan on telling her about them. Maybe it's my emotions and being protective of my DD but I feel annoyed with these comments and feel like telling them that if they were so sure it wouldn't last why did they bother going to the wedding?

Sorry rant over

The age gap didn't even register to me so sorry if It came across that I thought that had anything to do with it

Oh come on - if they’d not come to the wedding you’d have really had your nose out of joint, and even more so if they’d said why.

I think commenting about the children is fair enough tbh. It is sad for them.

As for the other comments… well, it depends so much on who the people were who’ve said it, the tone, the context, the wider conversation, and even whether the wording was exactly as you’ve stated and what their relationship was like before the wedding. If it was snide gossipy, ‘we knew it’ type stuff, then YANBU. Anything else, and it really would depend.

Why are people saying this to you OP? I would be in like Flynn shutting down comments I considered unfair about my DD. It is inappropriate that others are saying these things to you, her mother. Shut them down. Put boundaries in place. They will think things anyway, there is nothing you can do about other people’s thoughts but you can set limits on what you hang around to listen to.

They are being unreasonable to pass comment uninvited. It really isn't anyone else's business. Yes, it's quick after only 2 years, however, if your daughter feels that it isn't right then she is doing the best thing by walking away instead of dragging it out.

My brother married his first wife when he was 24 and ended the marriage after 18 months. It was absolutely the right thing all round. He is in the military, she assured him she would support his military career. Then, once married, said she had changed her mind and wanted him to leave. He didn't have many qualifications outside of the military and couldn't join the police without them.

He knew that by leaving the military with few formal qualifications, his employment options would be severely limited and he would feel resentful. Equally, if he stayed in, his wife would feel resentful.

16 years on, he is still in the military, has an excellent career and has been very happily married to his second wide for 12 years.

Best of luck to your daughter. Don't take notice of people's unsolicited opinions.

I think it's appalling that people have said such things in front of you.
I do feel for the children, though.

Everyone is an expert with hindsight. It takes a sad act that wants to act like it though

50% of marriages now end in divorce. Is this random which ones work out, like the flip of a coin? No of course not, we are all allowed to have opinions on whether it will work or not and a lot of the time I expect these predictions are better than random! Of course we don’t attend 50% of weddings we are invited to for this reason and we always hope it will be a happy ending but the truth is that it sometimes isn’t. Perhaps it’s politer to never mention these things out loud but it would be naive to think that people don’t think them.

Meh. Not sure what you can do. People are going to talk when you have an "exotic" age difference or some other scandal material. Maybe you can cut certain people out of your life if they're being toxic.

I think age has nothing to do with it.
My husband is 14 years older than me, and we are very happy.
If there was no infidelity, 2 years is a short marriage. Had you noticed any imcompatibilities between them?
Anyway OP, for you and your daughter. Life lessons are tough, I know by experience. Better to break up than make each other miserable. And the important thing to you is your daughter's happiness. If they bother you with the comments, just say it.
About the children, yes, unfortunatelly that is a big tough truth. They would have grown fond of your DD, and now they are divorcing.

Friends should be supportive and kind. I don't think are friends at all.

Those friends are bloody rude.
Nobody knows what goes on in a marriage and it may be the best thing ever for your DD.
To me the age gap isn't the biggest issue. My sister has a 25 year age gap in her marriage, nan had a 26 year gap, my brother has a 15 year gap and yet they are all/ were happily married. My nan was utterly heart broken and the death of my grandad.
My sisters first marriage lasted 5 months. To everyone he was a lovely bloke 2 years older than her. Once they were married he pushed her downstairs and burned her with his cigarettes on her arm and neck. She didn't tell us because she didn't want to be a 'failure'. The 2nd husband, the one with the 26 year gap, is the same age as our parents and although we were wary after 28 years together he is absolutely perfect for her

What is important is how you are treated and respected.

These friends of your OP are ignorant fuckers and I would be defending DD and telling them to butt out. Personally I think they are loving the drama and I would be distancing myself from them if I was in your shoes.

This is just normal common gossip. If you hang out with people who gossip then it can't be a huge surprise... It's just unpleasant to be on the receiving end, which is why "no one likes a gossip".

They've got every right to think it, but I can't imagine why they think you would want to hear them saying that. They should keep it to themselves, or at least talk to other members of the family / other friends.

Well done on raising a child who is able to recognise when something isn't right and extract herself. It's a skill that lots of people don't have.

They were probably thinking that before marriage but not going if you are a close relative is a really big thing and will cause a permanent rift. Wish them well and hope for the best type thing. If they are saying it to you not her I can see why you would feel it is a criticism of you - was it a big wedding paid by you or were you very involved in wedding planning and perhaps they feel you pushed DD into it or she felt like she couldn’t back out.

I might know who these people are. Is the man very rich? If he is, I think I know them.

Everyone knew she shouldn't marry him. It wouldnt last. But he was rich and she wanted the lifestyle.
He was also an arse and she will be much much better off without him.

Can you please be my DM? I love that you are being so protective of her and her reasons - she doesn't need to justify her decision to anyone. Thank you for being her advocate. It's what I needed when I announced my XH was leaving. Not judgement and scorn from my own 'D'M.

With your support and love and kindness she will come out the other side, stronger ☺️

I did actually have someone refuse to come to our wedding as,' it won't last so it's a waste of time'. It was hurtful at the time, so I don't think you can blame them for going and supporting the couple on the day, but yes, they should continue that support by shutting up now.
(Ps married 20 years so people aren't always right)

So the people who have said to you that they told you it wouldn’t last - did they tell you that? I find that unusual.

They should hold their tongues, it’s not helpful to share with you. But, I know I’d be thinking the same about the children.