Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what she should be called?

41 replies

fairynick · 24/10/2021 15:37

Friend takes care of their Nephew after the death of both parents, has done since the baby was about 15 months. Not going to go into details as it isn’t relevant.
The baby is now getting older and starting to talk, friend refers to herself as Aunty G but baby keeps calling her mama mummy etc.
Atm friend corrects the baby, let’s it know that mummy is in heaven etc but is wondering what the right thing to do is.
Online it says that it should be child led, but she doesn’t feel comfortable as she can never take the mothers place.
More of a wwyd I guess.

OP posts:
Camomila · 24/10/2021 15:41

How about "mummy firstname"? then she can have "mummy birthmum" in heaven, and "mummy opsfriend" here?

That way your friend might feel less like she's taking away the mummy role from her sister/SIL?

CastleCrasher · 24/10/2021 15:41

Bless your friend! I agree on child led and also being open about where mummy is. Perhaps she could be Mummy G (if that's what the child wants) but keep being open about their relationship and history

HazelandChacha · 24/10/2021 15:42

I think I would stick with the Aunty G tbh. That way, when showing photos of M & D and talking about them, there will be no confusion.

SoniaFouler · 24/10/2021 15:43

@HazelandChacha

I think I would stick with the Aunty G tbh. That way, when showing photos of M & D and talking about them, there will be no confusion.
Agreed
KittenKong · 24/10/2021 15:43

Maybe she feels like she doesn’t want the child to ‘forget’ their mum and dad. It must be a very sad situation. But she is their mum now - she is fulfilling the role. Does she not think that adopted children should cal their mum, mum?

It’s hard but she needs to come to her own conclusion. The child will grow up being asked ‘that’s your aunt? Where’s your mum?’ And I’m not sure how a child would feel explaining this to people they meet. Maybe ‘mummy G’.

steppemum · 24/10/2021 15:48

She is the baby's mum at this point though. From the baby's perspective she is the primary and sole carer.
There is no reason why the baby can't have 2 mummies. His Mummy is in heaven, and she is the new Mummy, who looks after him now.

He will not have the same attchment to the Mummy in heaven as she does as he doesn't remember her. For him, his current mummy is everything.

The other way to do it is to use slightly different names
Mummy and Mama, Mum and Mummy, Mummy Liz and Mummy Kate, or even Mummy and Real Mummy.

I think that in the future, she will actually find it much easier with playgroups, clubs, schools etc if she is known as Mummy. Otherwise she is going to constantly have to prove she is the legal guardian.

And I also think that she 100% needs to give herself permission to be his Mum, she isn;t just a standin, she is now his mum.

ExPatHereForAChat · 24/10/2021 15:48

How difficult.
If it were my child, I'd want them to call her mum and to feel like they have a mum down on Earth.
Obviously she'll never replace the birth parents, but that's not what happening here.

Original poster
fairynick · 24/10/2021 15:50

Thank you for all the quick replies.
Maybe something like Mummy G would be nice.
I think she feels conflicted, she hasn’t had children either so has never been called Mummy before which I think makes it harder as it doesn’t feel as natural if that makes sense?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 24/10/2021 15:56

How heartbreaking all round. I'd go with child-led, I'm not even sure how one would explain death to a child that young, let alone that both their parents have died hence the 'aunty vs mummy' name.

Suzanne999 · 24/10/2021 15:59

The child needs a mum and has one in your friend, his aunt.
Later on at preschool, school etc it’ll be a lot easier for her, and the child, if he calls her Mummy( her name). It’ll take a long time for him to understand mummy and daddy are in heaven, it’s a real abstract concept so for his emotional development I’d go with Mummy( her name) and if later he wants to drop her name go with that.
There may come a time when your friend has a child/ children of her own and again everyone calling her mummy will reduce the risk of emotional problems, I think.

KittenKong · 24/10/2021 16:01

So do a lot of adoptive mums. This child is her sisters (?) child so I would assume she is also grieving her loss.

I would want my child to grow up with someone to call ‘mum’. It’s not just a word - mum is the one person on the world you should have in your corner. It’s the person you should go to when you mess up an exam, fall out with a friend or fall in love. It’s the person that should be there to put the kettle on and cut a slice of cake when they just know that you have had a bad day. The person who should give you a hug, or cuff around the ear when needed. It’s more than a ‘job title’. I know not all mums are perfect (and some are downright poison) but we can aspire to be ‘that person’ in a child’s life.

The child’s mum will always be their mum - but she was taken away. They are lucky to have your friend who can be there to mother them as they grow up.

Notaroadrunner · 24/10/2021 16:02

Why not just encourage the child to call her by her name - no need to put aunty or mummy in front of it. A 15 month old isn't going to understand that mummy is in heaven so when baby says mummy your friend can just say her own name to reinforce it.

Fdksyihfd · 24/10/2021 16:03

I would let the child call her mummy and mama; as long as she knows that she has another mummy who didn’t want to leave her (as she gets older obvs) then I don’t see it as an issue.
Look at it this way - she’s already lost her real mum so why take away from her the possibility of calling someone mummy.as she gets older she may not want everything to know that she doesn’t live with her mum
.

Newtoittoo · 24/10/2021 16:04

I think the ‘Mummy G’ suggestion is good.
It keeps an open forum for conversations / acknowledgement of ‘Birth Mummy’, but importantly gives the child the security and sense of unconditional belonging of ‘having a mummy’ (and or daddy).
Child lead is a good idea - this is what the child wants.
Not to mention the fact that Aunty G is now their ‘mummy’….
Hope it all works out after what must have been a difficult time to have arrived at this situation.

MissCreeAnt · 24/10/2021 16:05

Does she have contact with adoption services as a kinship adopter? I'd have thought they would be in a good position to advise.

I know in the adoption ads I've seen "Mummy Cathy" used for an adoptive mum, but ideally she would have some expert advice on this one. Something like Mama Cathy might also work so the child could transition to having a separate Mama and Mummy when they are older.

Btw sometimes children go through a phase of calling all women mummy, or all men daddy, while they are still figuring out what the words mean. I'm not sure it's as simple as saying you should be child led, if the child is still so young that they are very much looking to adults to learn the most basic vocabulary.

Aderyn21 · 24/10/2021 16:06

I also think mummy G is nice. To all intents and purposes she is the baby's mum. It doesn't take anything away from her sister/sil if she is called mummy as well - she just needs to get her head around that I think

Ponoka7 · 24/10/2021 16:10

"but she doesn’t feel comfortable as she can never take the mothers place."

She will feel like that because she's lost a sibling. But to the child she can and is taking the Mother's place. The child has the right to call his main female caregiver Mum, if that's what he needs to do.
Long term foster children often call their Fosterer Mum, as well as adoptive parents. The child needs to feel secure and it might be a bit early to always reiterate that 'mummy is in heaven'. If she's going to be an indefinite carer, she needs to start to accept her role. Some of what's stopping it will be grief, but all communication should be in the best interests of the child.

lentilsandeggs · 24/10/2021 16:14

Having been through this twice with my DSD I know how disconcerting it is for a child to call you mum. Especially a baby/small toddler! My DSD has a mum and we found a different way with a nickname. But your friend’s situation is entirely different and if she is intending to bring up her nephew then its lovely for him to have a mum. Maybe a little adapted as everyone has already suggested. He will always know the history that his mum and dad died and his auntie became his mum.

Salahdor · 24/10/2021 16:22

I’m an adopter. My son calls me mum and knows he has a birth mum. He’s grown up knowing there are different ways to be a family and different ways to be a mum and he accepts this far easier than many adults around us assume. I’d feel really sad if, having lost one mum, he didn’t have the security of calling someone else mum. Your friend is being his mum. I think calling them by mummy x and mummy y is a good option.

Upwherethebirdsfly · 24/10/2021 16:23

Child led all the way - confusing and potentially hurtful to be corrected when the child is clearly wanting to connect with your friend on that level (and will be hearing ‘mum’ said by any other children). She is mothering the child. From the child’s perspective, she does replace late birth mum and that’s totally fine. Children need secure bonds with loving parents. That doesn’t in any way disrespect the birth parents and they should still be a huge part of the child’s life.

godmum56 · 24/10/2021 16:32

How old is older? I'd be inclined to go along with "Mummy name" rather than keep correcting a small child for little needful reason Once child is old enough to have a proper conversation then it may change.....but if friend (what a lovely friend) can deal with it then I'd be inclined to go along with child's choice.

godmum56 · 24/10/2021 16:33

PS I bet "Mum in heaven" wouldn't mind.

steppemum · 24/10/2021 16:38

Off on a complete tangent.

It would be a great idea to mkae a book for him. A book which tells his story in a really positive way.
As she is the aunt, I assume she has access to lots of photos. So it could even begin with Granny and Grandad had 2 girls A and G. When A grew up she married X and they had a beautiful baby called nephew's name. Mummy and daddy loved baby nephew very much. Here is his first bath, and look at him asleep with his teddy. Etc etc.

This sort of story, made in to a book, and read with the child from when they are little is a wonderful way to make their life seem normal and to have it explained. It helps them to process their life story, and, done well with photos, will help him understand how they all fit together.

steppemum · 24/10/2021 16:39

@godmum56

PS I bet "Mum in heaven" wouldn't mind.
I agree. I am sure that the sister would want her son to have a 'Mummy' right now.
georgarina · 24/10/2021 16:45

I would let the child lead...personally I would want the child to feel comfortable calling me mummy and feeling that I was that person in their life. Otherwise it could unintentionally come across as rejecting, or make them feel like they don't have something everyone else has.