To not know what she should be called?

[fairynick]

Friend takes care of their Nephew after the death of both parents, has done since the baby was about 15 months. Not going to go into details as it isn’t relevant.
The baby is now getting older and starting to talk, friend refers to herself as Aunty G but baby keeps calling her mama mummy etc.
Atm friend corrects the baby, let’s it know that mummy is in heaven etc but is wondering what the right thing to do is.
Online it says that it should be child led, but she doesn’t feel comfortable as she can never take the mothers place.
More of a wwyd I guess.

“she can never take the mothers place”. Not symbolically no but she is doing a bit more than “taking care” of him isn’t she! Presumably she is his adoptive mother and she will be his full-time parent for the rest of his childhood/life?! I think that makes her his mummy and if that feels natural to him then why not. She can make her peace with her sister about it in her prayers, and there is plenty of time for him to learn about his first/biological mother.

I know she is coming at this from a kind point of view but the current approach sound like it could be really damaging to the childs attachment. She is the child's mother now. She presumably plans on parenting them right? That's way more than 'looking after'. Does she not consider herself a mother now? Does she never describe them as 'my child'?

How about a variation on mummy? He is her child now to all intents and purposes - and as his key person she is more than an aunt to him. Something like mama, mom, mutter, mammy - look at different languages and find one that suits.

Mummy G for certain that poor baby needs a mumma ❤️

When he gets a little older, there's also going to be the issue of what other people say, at pre-school groups, in the playground, on the school run, etc. It's a very natural thing to assume that the woman doing the parenting is "mum/mummy", and people will do that. For instance "do you want to ask your mummy if it's okay for you to have one of Ben's sweets", or just "where's your mum?" It may make all those sorts of interactions a lot easier if she is Mummy G rather than her nephew being confused about who they're talking about or having to explain each time.

I know it's not quite the same but my kids call my step mother grandma and refer to my late mum as grandma first name. They understand my mum died and grandpa got remarried.
My mum would have loved them to bits and was desperate to be a grandma so it does break my heart and I do feel guilty about it. But ultimately I didn't want my sad life exp to impact theirs.

This baby will sadly never remember his mum. But he will remember being loved by your friend. Whatever she decides to call herself... if she goes onto have her own those kids will likely call her by whatever they hear this child using. So I would encourage mummy or mummy g bc having some kids call her one thing and some another is not a great family dynamic.
Eventually this boy will go to school and he will probably prefer to have a mum rather than an auntie or guardian so that he can feel normal and not have to explain or feel different. It doesn't mean his mum is eradicated. She can be remembered and honoured in lots of other personal and meaningful ways.

Imo the baby should have someone to call mum, as sad as it is that her birth mother died, the aunt will be mum hopefully for the rest of the child's life

If this is a permanent arrangement I think she should let him call her mummy. He has no-one else living to give that name to and it’s important for him growing up to have a patent (in my opinion).

I think in these circumstances his birth mummy should be “mummy whatever her name”

If the arrangement is temporary, or not yet finalised then Auntie seems better.

Parent. Not patent!

If my kids had been left without a ‘birth’ parent I would very much hope that they had someone to call Mum. Your friend is the child’s mother now. It isn’t disloyal, she has willingly taken on that role.

I agree with something like Mummy G. I get that your friend is feeling a little disconcerted at being called Mum, but to all intents and purposes, she is mum right now, and has taken the sister's place.

And the nephew needs to be able to call someone Mum, he's not going to understand concepts around family yet. And "Mum" evokes that feeling of being cherished, that someone has your back.

I'm sure he'll understand about his birth mum eventually, and understand that she loved him very much. But he will only remember his aunt in the caring role of Mum, she will be the one he thinks of when he wants his mum.

And if there really is a heaven, I'm sure his birth mum will understand, and be glad her son lives with someone who cares so much about that little boy.

She is Mummy. My dbf died and I'm her dgc's grandma they call me Granny it's been their choice. They dropped Granny Whinge by choice. I am their one and only Grandma we talk about their other deceased Grandma's but they have chosen what to call me. That little boy is crying out for a Mummy and that's what she is to him.

There's a blogger on Instagram who adopted her nephew and is called "aunty mum" by him

I have a friend who lost both parents within 6 months aged 7, who was raised by her fathers sister and bil. She calls them mum and dad, which was her choice, but also talks about her birth parents as mum and dad. There’s no confusion over the difference, and I know she was older so had a parent/child relationship with her birth parents but so long as the memory is kept alive, which it sounds like it will be, there’s nothing wrong with allowing the child to have a mum.

Auntie.

I personally would want my dc if they were that young in this circumstance to call the aunt mummy but I come from the point of view that I feel like every young dc should have someone they can turn to and call mum and I don't believe it necessarily has to be the biological mum.

It would also help fit in to general society and lessen the burden of having to tell all and sundry as they're growing up about their situation should they not always want to if they just refer to aunt as mummy.
How difficult though. Poor little dc.