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Original poster

Is This A Midlife Crisis? what’s wrong with me?!

36 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 24/10/2021 14:38

Im genuinely embarrassed by how much of a saddo I am going to sound here but this is doing my head in. I’m 37, have a 4yr old and a 2yr old and OH of 12years. Unhappy for much of this time. Miserable actually. When I think of boyfriends I had previously to meeting OH, my only regret is not getting rid of them sooner as they treated me like dirt, much like OH does. All with the exception of one guy I was seeing on and off when I was about 21. I had always held a torch for him and there were several times we could have got it together but we were never both single at the same time, anyway after a couple of years of this on and off we finally started seeing each other and all was going well until I stupidly believed a rumour that he was seeing someone else and unceremoniously ended it by kissing someone else. I cringe when I think of it, not just the immaturity I showed (why didn’t I just talk to him about it?!) but the whole kissing someone else thing. We never saw each other again which was weird as for years we had always bumped into each other when out on the town, and I think I had probably thought there would be an opportunity to sort it out, but he literally became a ghost. I did really like him and have thought of him and how we ended with regret over the years, but for unknown reasons for the last few weeks I am almost obsessed with the idea of what could have been with him. It’s been bloody 16yrs, we were over before we really started, I’ve had other relationships and settled down and had 2 kids since then, I honestly don’t know why my mind is full of thoughts of this guy and all our youthful moments together, it’s ridiculous and I’m
embarrassed for myself that I’m even writing this. Is this how sad my life has become?! That I’m welling up thinking about what could have been with someone I briefly dated when I was much younger? I’ve even searched for him online, although he has no social media profiles and as he has a very common name I literally can’t see a thing about him online. I’m not even searching for him to contact him (that would be seriously weird I know) it’s more I want to see some sort of proof he isn’t this lost opportunity for happiness I keep thinking of him as being, I want to look him up to see he’s actually not how I’ve imagined him to be at all and then let go of all these stupid daydreams about him.
Is this a midlife crisis?
Seriously what is wrong with me, how I’m thinking can’t be normal?!

OP posts:
PaddingtonsHat · 24/10/2021 14:45

I think when you are unhappy thinking wistfully about the past and what could have been is natural. I know it happens to me (usually triggered by a dream). But your rational brain needs to take over- I tend to give myself a stern talking to (actually talking to myself, yes I’m probably bonkers) that it’s all fantasy and I need to deal with my current situation.

Disabrie22 · 24/10/2021 14:46

I think you sound like you are just in need of some romance and some love and care - having a two and a four year old is really hard work.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/10/2021 14:52

I'm no psychologist but surely this is a reaction to your current situation. It's not the man it's what he represents. It's your brain recognising its not happy and trying to get you to do something about it and its fixated on the last time in your past that you thought there was a chance you could be happy.

Original poster
Toomuchtooyoung01 · 24/10/2021 16:18

Thanks for your replies, you are probably all right and I know I am being ridiculous, I don’t think I even cried when we actually broke up so WTF am I doing having tearful moments about it 16 years later!!!! I keep replaying times together in my head and urging my memory to remember as many small details as I can to somehow bring him to life in my head. I’m aware I sound mental. It’s not as if I’ve seen him or one of his old acquaintances or something, literally out of nowhere I am obsessed with wanting to transport myself back to 2005 and do it all differently with him. Honestly I’m so embarrassed at how I’m sounding here and actually feel guilty that my children have such a ridiculous person as their mother. I bet he would barely remember my name and here I am wiping away tears in the car wishing I could see him again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchtooyoung01 · 28/10/2021 15:45

Ok update on this thread - I have found his brother online. I wrote out a long letter basically saying everything I ever wanted to say to this guy and explaining a few things that went on, would it be an absolute disaster if I asked his brother for his email address to send it to him? Not even with a view to him replying as I’m certain he wouldn’t especially if he is settled down now. (No info on his brothers social media about what he’s doing now). Am I being an idiot? Would this be a terrible idea?

OP posts:
YaFlamingGallah · 28/10/2021 15:57

I really don't think this is about the guy per se - I think it's about your current unhappiness with your OH (who you acknowledge treats you badly) and which it sounds like you really need to address. It sounds like you'd be addressing the symptoms if you send this letter, not dealing with the actual root problem/cause.

Also agree with a PP who says 2 and 4 years old are hard work - that was the most demanding combination of ages for me I think so go easy on yourself.

You run the risk of seeming a bit odd if you send the letter - did you get any kind of closure or did it feel cathartic to write it? It seems odd to send it via his brother and I'd feel weird about getting a correspondence like that via a sibling. Buy go easy on yourself, I can tell this sounds like it's become quite overwhelming. Thanks

Original poster
Toomuchtooyoung01 · 28/10/2021 17:27

@YaFlamingGallah Thanks for your reply, yeah I’m aware I might risk looking like a nutter if I try and get in contact with him especially via his brother which is what’s keeping me from sending it, I obviously cringe at the idea of him being either horrified or having a right laugh at me pouring my heart out, equally i start imagining how he might read it and want to see me. I know this is pure fantasy on my part and I need to get a grip. I’m so, so unhappy in my life at the moment, my OH is a dickhead who treats me like crap, my 2yr old is a nightmare most days who is awake all night and has tantrums all day, and my 4yr old barely gets a look in. I’m exhausted, miserable and out of nowhere have just become completely obsessed with the idea of what could have been with this guy. I genuinely think about him constantly at the moment and keep getting tearful at the knowledge he’s certain to have moved on with his own family etc and nothing will ever happen between us. I honestly couldn’t feel like more of a loser right now!

OP posts:
YaFlamingGallah · 28/10/2021 17:35

And what would you say to a friend in your situation, I suspect you wouldn't tell her she's a loser. Chances are you'd think being a parent is hard, having very young children is hard and relentless (and when you're in the middle of it it's difficult to see things ever getting easier - but all of a sudden it does) and having a difficult OH is another layer on top of that to deal with. This is all huge and on top of this all you're probably absolutely knackered, emotionally run down and feeling fairly vulnerable with crap from OH. It's not a surprise you're thinking of a happier you. Cut yourself some slack!

I really would be looking at the root cause of it all though. Do you have much rl support? Could you confide in a friend? Is stuff with OH reparable or is it too far gone for that? How are you financially, can you start building yourself back up? If you were happy I don't think this be happening.

Wotsitsits · 28/10/2021 17:37

God please don't send that!!!!

Good on you for writing it out hopefully that will help get it out of your system.

4 and 2 is brutal, I survive only because I work 4 days a week which is my time off actually! 2 year old still not sleeping through and they both fight over me at every opportunity Hmm

Looking at your current reality. Ok your OH is a twat but is he capable to have the kids for an hour here and there so you can go out somewhere and just have a break for yourself every 2-3 days? Not a one off I mean building up a better routine for yourself.

Wotsitsits · 28/10/2021 17:38

The point being is if you can build a better routine you can begin to regain a sense of sanity and from there you'll start seeing things you want to do differently iyswim

MatildaTheCat · 28/10/2021 17:39

I can’t tell you strongly enough DO NOT SEND THIS LETTER.

You are having a funny moment in time and have attached yourself to a fantasy person. He would 99.9% likely be baffled, horrified and spooked like having a stalker. His DW (very likely if he was a nice guy) won’t be amused.

Look st ways of improving your situation. Get some counselling if it’s possible and get any help you can with the DC. Spend some time on yourself and forget him. He’s not real.

(FWIW I got a message from a woman who mistook me for DH’s sister asking after him in extremely fond terms, they went out about twice 40 odd years ago. I messaged back and kindly told her I was, in fact his DW. I really cringed for her.)

Original poster
Toomuchtooyoung01 · 28/10/2021 20:04

Thanks for your replies. I know it would be absolutely mortifying to send him this letter, he would definitely as mentioned be a mixture of shocked to hear how I felt and that I still think about him when he would in all likelihood forgotten I ever existed, amused at how sad my life clearly is, and generally just think I’m a massive weirdo. I do know all this, there’s this really annoying part of me that thinks what if he’s single, what if he read it and thought ok XYZ makes sense now, what if we met up and were the loves of each other’s lives. I know deep down I could never risk the absolute embarrassment of sending this to him, not to mention that despite OH being a massive arsehole to me it would be a betrayal that I would potentially have to explain to my children one day.
So to clarify everyone is unanimous that I shouldn’t attempt to email him 😂

OP posts:
Whstdoyouthink · 28/10/2021 20:08

Don’t send this OP. If you had really been the lives of your lives you would have made it work. You didn’t

Nuttymonkey · 28/10/2021 20:32

Definitely don't send that email!!! But do focus on either getting your Husband to stop being a dick or look at ways of leaving him and improving your own happiness... Without involving another man.
Then perhaps one day if you are single you could look at reconnecting (without telling him all of your thoughts lol) but I bet he won't love up to the fantasy!
I think lots of people look up significant people from our past, more so when we are feeling unhappy and yearning for a bit of familiarity from olden times maybe. But definitely don't send that email!

nzeire · 28/10/2021 20:50

I could have written this 10 years ago! I was sooooooo unhappy, the ex boyfriend got in touch with me though. I had it all planned out, how it was going to be happy every after with this guy. Honestly, I look back at this time, and literally curl up in a ball of embarrassment!
We had a flirty couple of weeks, it ended, thank god. I invested all that energy into making a happy life for myself. Did a lot of work. We are still a family unit, and the husband and I realised there was a lot to fight for.
You chose him, chose your kids. Get some counselling, go away for a romantic weekend, give it your best shot

nzeire · 28/10/2021 20:50

Please don’t send the email

WishingWell5 · 28/10/2021 20:52

When I'm unhappy I fantasize about exes and what could have been. When I'm not I don't. It's says more about now than it does about the then. Fix the now. If it should have been it would have been.

nzeire · 28/10/2021 21:04

I asked a girlfriend the other day, how she was. She responded, I’ve been dreaming of all the men I should have married :)
It’s pretty common to go back and fantasise about happier times x

Indecisivelurcher · 28/10/2021 21:08

Ah gosh op I think similarly about an ex I was with when I was 18 or 20, so 20yrs ago. I am married with kids now. But still think of him as the one and kick myself. Even though I'm not unhappy exactly. No advice... But some solidarity.

Newmum29 · 28/10/2021 21:19

Do not send. It will not work out well and of course you’ll look mad. Imagine getting something similar yourself.

PandoraP · 28/10/2021 21:28

Do not send. You have taken this guy as a sort of template and developed him into a fantasy man of your dreams. He could have been anyone. I also think Covid times makes people a bit bonkers. Apparently it is normal to get in touch with ex’s so I guess a lot of people dream or get nostalgic about better times…..

PandoraP · 28/10/2021 21:28

Normal to get in touch with ex’s during Covid I mean

nancybotwinbloom · 28/10/2021 21:28

Don't do it. Your grieving for something that never was. I mean if you'd have got together you may feel the same way you do now.

It wouldn't be the fairytale that's in your head.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

If it's meant to be it won't pass you by.

3scape · 28/10/2021 21:42

Honestly? Don't. Some woman from my past contacted me via social media. All well and good. AND then she started asking after my brother. I remembered they'd had a brief fling. So I changed the subject. She brought him up again and again. It was alarming. Obviously I blocked her. The trouble is about a year later she contacted my brother through a mutual friend. Proper scary.

3scape · 28/10/2021 21:43

I think people convince themselves it's normal but the idea that someone is trawling social media for any contact they can find is creepy and alarming. The past is in the past.