Is This A Midlife Crisis? what’s wrong with me?!

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Im genuinely embarrassed by how much of a saddo I am going to sound here but this is doing my head in. I’m 37, have a 4yr old and a 2yr old and OH of 12years. Unhappy for much of this time. Miserable actually. When I think of boyfriends I had previously to meeting OH, my only regret is not getting rid of them sooner as they treated me like dirt, much like OH does. All with the exception of one guy I was seeing on and off when I was about 21. I had always held a torch for him and there were several times we could have got it together but we were never both single at the same time, anyway after a couple of years of this on and off we finally started seeing each other and all was going well until I stupidly believed a rumour that he was seeing someone else and unceremoniously ended it by kissing someone else. I cringe when I think of it, not just the immaturity I showed (why didn’t I just talk to him about it?!) but the whole kissing someone else thing. We never saw each other again which was weird as for years we had always bumped into each other when out on the town, and I think I had probably thought there would be an opportunity to sort it out, but he literally became a ghost. I did really like him and have thought of him and how we ended with regret over the years, but for unknown reasons for the last few weeks I am almost obsessed with the idea of what could have been with him. It’s been bloody 16yrs, we were over before we really started, I’ve had other relationships and settled down and had 2 kids since then, I honestly don’t know why my mind is full of thoughts of this guy and all our youthful moments together, it’s ridiculous and I’m
embarrassed for myself that I’m even writing this. Is this how sad my life has become?! That I’m welling up thinking about what could have been with someone I briefly dated when I was much younger? I’ve even searched for him online, although he has no social media profiles and as he has a very common name I literally can’t see a thing about him online. I’m not even searching for him to contact him (that would be seriously weird I know) it’s more I want to see some sort of proof he isn’t this lost opportunity for happiness I keep thinking of him as being, I want to look him up to see he’s actually not how I’ve imagined him to be at all and then let go of all these stupid daydreams about him.
Is this a midlife crisis?
Seriously what is wrong with me, how I’m thinking can’t be normal?!

Like PPs, I think this is much more about your current OH than the ex. Is there any way you can leave him or is that impossible financially? If you can, I think it would be better to start there and you may meet someone nicer naturally.

The thing is aswell, if this was to end up as you wanted, he'd need to contact you!

Your missing something and looking for it on your past to gain that.

Stop and address the issues you have now before you go any further.

Writing down everything you wished you had been able to say to him is great for you psychologically. You don't need to send it.

Just let yourself rest and heal. Write down a self care plan for you and your little ones. I did this when my partner left and spun loads of crap to his family about me. It hurts. The first line of my self care plan was:
Accept that some people are unable to show care. Dont let this stop you showing care to yourself and (children's names here)

The next lines were things like 'make healthy food', 'sleep well', 'have a nice bath', 'be kind to yourself'.

All sounds cheesy I know but sometimes you just need to simplify things and take a step back from all the rubbish and look after just you and yours.

I too think it’s not a good idea to send it (although you sound a little bit like you’re going to send it anyway; just my gut instinct from your messages). I think what’s best is to take the fact that you are having all these thoughts about your ex as a sign that you need to sort things out in your current life. Whether that means making things work with your dh or leaving him... But you need to do that first.

Even if your ex is the love of your life - wouldn’t you want to start things with him when you’re single, not when you’re married and would basically start things off by having an affair?

Thankyou for your replies and for not making me feel like too much of a maniac 😂
I’ve been trying to remind myself of how things were with him a bit more realistically - yes I did really like him and he had lots of good personality traits (& was bloody sexy, sorry I just had to get that out) BUT I do remember at the time reining myself in as I wasn’t sure how seriously I could take him as a long term partner, for example he was smashing absolutely tons of recreational drugs every weekend which although not ideal probably isn’t that unusual for guys his age back then, I was never really into it and I remember wondering how compatible we would be long term with this in mind, he also didn’t drive which I found unusual for a guy in their early 20s, not because I wanted to be driven around but because I feared it gave a hint to him being a bit lazy/unmotivated which isn’t attractive in a boyfriend. Also our “dates” mainly consisted of getting smashed all weekend together on benders with his mates rather than anything romantic (although I do think he had that side to him, remembering stolen moments together fondly 😭😂)

Do not email him.

This is not about him. There is something wrong in your life (probably due to your OH not being nice to you) that is causing you to fixate on this guy.

Honestly, I would suggest therapy. It might help you to get to the bottom of things.

Firstly, you are not alone in this. It is really common to fantitise about lost opportunity when you are struggling in the present. Mostly around relationships but also work etc. You might be at the more extreme end of the fantasy but most people will have done something similar at some stage.
But it is a fantasy. You don't know how he has grown, if he has matured enough for you and your stage of life with children, if the drugs are still an issue, etc etc.
This is hankering to a carefree life before children and being stuck in an unsupported relationship.
everyone is suggesting that you need to change the present, and you seem to know deep down this is what you have to do.
Don't send the email as that brings it to a different level where people can get hurt and make judgement.
The care plan mentioned in PP looks a good start.

I really wouldn't send the email, but I would, if he's really in your mind find out about him now, perhaps just reconnect. People are often not the same as we have imagined, it may make it easier to see he's married or a waster or whatever. It will help you to focus on the here and now. Give you some clarity x

Then you can decide what to do with your own relationship.

I reconnected with a friend I wish I had gone out with over 10 years ago, and he felt the same, we were both single ( at the time 10 years ago we were not) we are together now 😊 and it's great, but the time was right and we weren't hurting anyone in the process .

Ps. Having young kids is hard, make some time for yourself and to have some self care if you can

Thanks again for your replies, I know everyone is making total sense in what they’re saying.

It also really resonated when a previous poster pointed out that I would find it very weird if someone I briefly dated years and years ago not only digged around to find a way of contacting me but also confessed undying love, it actually reminded me of an ex I had forgotten about from when I was a teenager who used to send me regular messages years after we broke up and I always thought of him as a loser for it 😳

I think I’ve become so miserable in my actual life I have started to mentally detach and been daydreaming about how life could have been if we had worked out, I need a dose of reality, in my head he’s still the young top boy about town I was mad about, I need to see that he too has aged or has put on 5 stone/lost some teeth/never did learn to drive or stopped hoovering up coke every weekend etc 😂
this will sound scary but I think I almost convinced myself that it wouldn’t be that weird if I was to email him and maybe he’d even be pleased to hear from me as maybe he’d always thought about me too (yes I’m cringing) thanks for the reality check everyone on this thread 🙋🏼‍♀️

There was a guy in my school a year or two above me and he looked like Johnny from cobra Kai.

He was awful to us. Mean etc. didn't stop us from fancying gin though!

Saw him a few years ago and he looks awful. The coke and benders etc has definitely took its toll. He's put on weight, teeth were like something off Jeremy Kyle and he was still mean!

Yet saw another lad who we all fancied, he looks like a grandad now a typical one and he's still lovely. Still has it. Because he's still a lovely person.

I’ve gone through phases like this - thinking about guys from my past. One in particular always comes back to my mind, usually when I’m bored. I’m happily married with children, but the day to day gets mundane and I think back wistfully on fun times and a guy from almost 20 years ago - I moved abroad and we didn’t stay in touch.
I always thought we’d bump into each other again, but when I moved back it was to a new city, met my husband and never did.
I think Covid is the cause, too much time the last few years!