Blackpool Illuminations, I'd like to take my kids myself but grandparents want to

[TwinkleN0se]

My mum texted me the other day to ask if she could take my children to the Blackpool illuminations.
I feel guilty and mean to say no, but actually, it’s something I’d like to do with them myself.
I have nice memories as a kid of going on our yearly trip to ‘the lights’ and it’s a tradition that I’d like to continue with my own children.
They have taken them a couple of times before; they took my eldest for her first time as I didn’t want to leave me second child, I went along with them and DD1 one year, and then I had my third so they took my first two children a few times before I felt my youngest was old enough.

The last time they asked was 2019 before Covid and I told them that OH and I wanted to go now my youngest was older. I figured they’d understand that I also enjoy going there with my children and assume we’d be going as a family from then on.

So I’m now kind of annoyed. There was no invitation for me to go along. And her first assumption was that it’d just be the two oldest (so there’d be a spot for me in the car but I wasn’t invited), but then she ended on that the youngest could come too and she’d drop him off on the way home.
I’m just annoyed that they’ve not even considered that I might like to go, even though I’ve told them it’s something I want to do with them and they obviously know I enjoyed it as a child. And it bugs me that they’ve disregarded me and not realised we’d want to carry on the tradition ourselves.

I realise this probably sounds dramatic and weird, especially to non northerners that rarely frequent the Blackpool illuminations, but it was always built up to me as a child and became an almost magical yearly thing, a bit like bonfire night; going out in the dark, driving in the car, seeing pretty lights, then fish and chips etc.
The more I think about it the more pissed off I am that she wants to just take those times from me for herself.

But now I just feel guilty and mean and like I owe them these experiences with my children or something.

My kids would probably have a better time with them anyway. Am I horrible?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to keep this yearly trip for just our family? Or is it ok to be selfish and say no, it’s a yearly family thing that I want us to do together, you had your handful of times with them, now go by yourselves and let us do the same?

You could meet up with them there or go by yourselves with all your children then the older ones could go again with the grandparents.

The lights are on until the new year now plenty of time for 2 visits

You don’t like their plan and find them overbearing more generally. So, say no to their plan, make your own, and invite them or not.

The kids could go twice, I guess. But it'd become a competition for my parents- who can spoil the kids the most, buy the most ice cream, waste the biggest amount in the arcades. That's what they're like. My dad would literally ask the kids who they had a better time with and my kids would all prefer them. They love them to bits and spoil them rotten which is nice but it sucks when we go somewhere all together and the kids just want the grandparents and so we're left standing there there like spare parts. There were many occasions at theme parks where me and OH were sat together on a kiddie ride because the kids just want to be with the grandparents.
And walking together along the front, they'd be off ahead leaving us behind. If we went in two cars the kids would definitely want to go in theirs.

They don't want us there. It was worded specifically asking if they could take the kids. They rarely take them anywhere on their own.
Maybe I am controlling and selfish but no they're not very involved, other than seeing them a lot and regularly doing things together. They don't do much childcare though my mum would always be more than willing to if I asked and she offers more than I accept. And yes there is more to it, nothing major, just petty unresolved resentments on my part. Honestly, lockdown was refreshing just not doing the weekly dinner.

The lights are on a lot longer this year so I was planning on going closer to Christmas time, now I feel like I have to do it quicker before she gets in there first, surprised she'd not already told them they'll take them before asking me tbh.

they're not very involved, other than seeing them a lot and regularly doing things together. They don't do much childcare though my mum would always be more than willing to if I asked and she offers more than I accept. And yes there is more to it, nothing major, just petty unresolved resentments on my part. Honestly, lockdown was refreshing just not doing the weekly dinner.

Saying they are not involve and then saying that they saw them weekly pre Covid, willing to babysit and has done when you accept/ask, they see them and do things regularly seems like your resentment for them is making you spin everything into a negative.

You parents are a lot more involved than many grandparents. I think you need to figure out a way to separate the issues you have with them. You need to figure out if it’s petty and you are able to get over it and accept the competitive nature or face it either by yourself or with them.

The competitive thing sounds annoying but equally they adore your kids. You can say “sorry we are taking them this year, how about something else?” And they can do something like a panto/grotto whatever instead? But set a date that you are doing it otherwise it might pass you by.

They don't want us there. It was worded specifically asking if they could take the kids. They rarely take them anywhere on their own.
Maybe I am controlling and selfish but no they're not very involved, other than seeing them a lot and regularly doing things together. They don't do much childcare though my mum would always be more than willing to if I asked and she offers more than I accept. And yes there is more to it, nothing major, just petty unresolved resentments on my part. Honestly, lockdown was refreshing just not doing the weekly dinner.

This makes no sense! It involved but see them a lot and regularly do that msg! Would do regular childcare and offer to do so.

Yeah, they sound awful ..... NOT!

And they rarely do anything with them on their own and you're moaning that they want too.

Nothing makes sense!

Suggest you meet them there.

Just do a breezy, "oh we've got our own visit planned. Maybe another time". It sounds like an existing power struggle needs nipping in the bud from your 2nd post re cutting down the time you spend with her . Do it now & you won't regret it.

OP you're really not making sense here.

Maybe I am controlling and selfish but no they're not very involved, other than seeing them a lot and regularly doing things together.

They see them a lot and regularly do things together. That's being involved!!!

It actually sounds like you're jealous of the relationship your kids have with their grandparents. Surely that's not the case, is it?

Honestly it just sounds like you're jealous of their relationship.
So many parents out here lament that their parents have no interest in their grandchildren and you're complaining that your parents want to spend time with your kids and mind them.
I think grandparent relationships can be very special for kids and I'd think long and hard about denying your kids that.
Clearly you are very very resentful towards them for another reason though .

Just say no. Will that be hard? You tell them you want to take them and if she then mentions it to the dc, you can rightly go mad.

@HundredMilesAnHour

OP you're really not making sense here.

Maybe I am controlling and selfish but no they're not very involved, other than seeing them a lot and regularly doing things together.

They see them a lot and regularly do things together. That's being involved!!!

It actually sounds like you're jealous of the relationship your kids have with their grandparents. Surely that's not the case, is it?

I can see how that doesn't make sense. My point was in response to someone asking if they were overly involved. They're not overly involved with the daily running of life and childcare etc, but we do see them a quite a lot.

I'm not jealous, no. It's nice that they have a good relationship. But I do feel like they take over, and when we're all together I find myself feeling pushed out and talked over and honestly feel crappy after spending time with them. Seeing less of them during covid made me realise how much more enjoyable things can be when it's just the five of us.

We already have several things planned for us all over the coming months, but this was something that I'd really like to be just our immediate family and I thought I'd explained that last time so was annoyed when she wanted to do that with them, without me.

I get where your coming from when the grandparents can spoil the kids more than you can. My parents do the same. But I realise they do this because they love them and have much more disposable income than we and my husband do.

It sounds like they had such a great time taking you as kids to the lights that they want to relive this but with your kids. All you need to do is just tell your parents you'll be taking them this year. No big deal just tell your parents. If they make a thing of it just say how much you loved it as a kid with them you want to relive it with your own kids. Man up OP and just tell your folks your taking them and stop worrying your kids love them more than you!

@Cherrysoup

Just say no. Will that be hard? You tell them you want to take them and if she then mentions it to the dc, you can rightly go mad.

It shouldn't be hard, should it? But I already feel guilty just thinking about saying no. And I honestly didn't know if was being selfish or horrible. Apparently I am.

That's pretty accurate, LittleLadyCece, thanks.

You're not selfish or horrible OP. You want to relive with your kids what you found wonderful as a child. Alternatively you could maybe find your own tradition as a family? Something that's just all yours and the kids

Sorry OP, this is a bit bizarre. Here’s your solution…

‘Mum, I’m taking my children to the illuminations’

End of it 🤷‍♀️ No further discussion needed.

You seem to be taking this personally and as some kind of slight.

Lovely that you want to take your kids, remembering your good times as a child, and in the same way they are thinking you had a great time so now they want to continue the tradition with the DGC.

Just talk to them. Say you’d all love to go together. No need for anyone to get miffed.

@TwinkleN0se can’t you take them first? Just say that’s great we’ve booked for X and they’re busy on Y but any time after that is fine :)

We went last night you need to see them on foot not car, you won’t get very far in the traffic.