Blackpool Illuminations, I'd like to take my kids myself but grandparents want to

[TwinkleN0se]

My mum texted me the other day to ask if she could take my children to the Blackpool illuminations.
I feel guilty and mean to say no, but actually, it’s something I’d like to do with them myself.
I have nice memories as a kid of going on our yearly trip to ‘the lights’ and it’s a tradition that I’d like to continue with my own children.
They have taken them a couple of times before; they took my eldest for her first time as I didn’t want to leave me second child, I went along with them and DD1 one year, and then I had my third so they took my first two children a few times before I felt my youngest was old enough.

The last time they asked was 2019 before Covid and I told them that OH and I wanted to go now my youngest was older. I figured they’d understand that I also enjoy going there with my children and assume we’d be going as a family from then on.

So I’m now kind of annoyed. There was no invitation for me to go along. And her first assumption was that it’d just be the two oldest (so there’d be a spot for me in the car but I wasn’t invited), but then she ended on that the youngest could come too and she’d drop him off on the way home.
I’m just annoyed that they’ve not even considered that I might like to go, even though I’ve told them it’s something I want to do with them and they obviously know I enjoyed it as a child. And it bugs me that they’ve disregarded me and not realised we’d want to carry on the tradition ourselves.

I realise this probably sounds dramatic and weird, especially to non northerners that rarely frequent the Blackpool illuminations, but it was always built up to me as a child and became an almost magical yearly thing, a bit like bonfire night; going out in the dark, driving in the car, seeing pretty lights, then fish and chips etc.
The more I think about it the more pissed off I am that she wants to just take those times from me for herself.

But now I just feel guilty and mean and like I owe them these experiences with my children or something.

My kids would probably have a better time with them anyway. Am I horrible?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to keep this yearly trip for just our family? Or is it ok to be selfish and say no, it’s a yearly family thing that I want us to do together, you had your handful of times with them, now go by yourselves and let us do the same?

DGP want to take all three DGC out for a night, give mum and dad a night off. DPs can have a (probably) rare night out and relax knowing DCs are having fun?

And you're irrationally annoyed?

Yeah, they're really awful GPS.

Just let them take them and then take them on another occasion yourselves. I don’t think this needs to be such a drama.

So the kids go twice, it’s no biggie.

The lights aren’t all that anymore anyway, last time I went there’s was bloody McDonald’s advertisements lit up and strung across the street.

We see them enough as it is, I actually would like to reduce the time we spend together but that's another thread.

I think this is an important point. In a family where you have a great or even reasonable relationship with your parents, I’d have said just change the tradition to include grandparents too and then all of you go (presumably if your own children have children in the future, you’d love it if they carried on this tradition and invited you too?)

However your comment about wanting to reduce contact and that the dynamic would change if she was there, and that she talks over you etc, plus that she thinks she’s taking them without you and DH makes me change my mind.

I think I’d either say ‘Thanks Mum- DH and I are excited to take them this year, but you’re welcome to come too?’ (Then it’s your Mum and Dad going in the separate car, not you and DH).

Or ‘Thanks Mum, it’s a lovely offer, but DH and I are excited to take them this year.’ And then change the subject.

The thread will be divided because some people will think you’re mad for not wanting a child free evening and some will think you’re mean for not letting the grandparents do this or at least including them- but ultimately only you know what your relationship with them is like, and if you’d really be dreading the trip with all of you there, just say no!

This is so weird that you can’t just say ‘we’ll all go’

Well if you absolutely can’t all go together then just say ‘we’re taking them on x day but you can take them the next week if you want to.’

We live in the town and my kids see them almost every day 😂 doesn’t seem to have affected them badly except that they know never to ask me for anything that lights up or spins. Plus ds11 will frequently say ‘we can get chips off the prom for half that price’ to his younger siblings.

I voted YABU as honestly it seems like you're making a lot of fuss about something simple.

The reason you have these lovely family memories that you're so fond of is surely because of your parents. So I can fully understand why they would want to carry that on with their Grandchildren.

If you want to go together (which I can see you don't), all you'd need to say is that you're already taking the kids so they are welcome to come along too (ie them in the second car without kids) or that they can take the kids a week or two later if they want.

Or just tell them that you've already made plans to take the kids this year but thanks for the offer. It honestly doesn't have to be a drama.

My MIL does this all the time - recreates her family traditions on my children when my DP wants to do it and start our own ones as well. Drives me bonkers. I do relent on some things but also have firmly said no for others. I would either be firm if you do want this to be your family tradition OR let this one go and start a new one!

You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Honestly.

"We are taking them ourselves this year".

Job done.

Why can't your kids go twice? If you know the date your parents want to go then go the weekend before, or is it a case that you weren't actually intending to go until your Mother mentioned it.

You could all go together and you take the kids in your car. Not sure why they would go in your parents car if you were going, or you tell them you're taking them this year, or you let them take them.
Odd that you've allowed them yo take the children for so many years without you and now you want them to be mind readers and not take them, or take you too. You don't need your parents to fake you places you're an adult!

She texted you to ask, you said no. What's the problem?

Either say no or let the kids go twice.

I love Blackpool and it was more than an annual trip when my kids were growing up!

There's a lot more to this isn't there OP?
I get the impression that they regularly muscle in.
It's OK to say no to them.
This is your family, you're in charge. Do it your way and dont be controlled.

Double check but I'm sure there doing ride the lights again on 5th dec

It' fantastic the whole prom shut to traffic and you can cycle the full length on the road no cars .
park (free at bispham and get chips there when you finish) .

Mine are 18 and 20 we still do this now TBF we have a pint rather than chips at the end now .

Do that with them and let GP take them in the car .

@Marimaur

This is so weird that you can’t just say ‘we’ll all go’

Exactly. Meet them there.

Although the illuminations were shit last time I went, too much tat and vomit on the promenade.

I have similar issues like this with my mil (every year I have to say that I want to be the one to take my DC to see Father Christmas) so I’d just say no and that you have plans to take them yourself.

If you had a better relationship with her then I’d involve her. It sounds like she wants to carry on with the tradition she started with you.

But as it is what it is, I think I’d reply saying ‘thanks mum, but it’s something we really like doing together, like we did when I was a kid. But you’re welcome to meet us there afterwards if you like? We can grab some chips maybe. Let me know. Lots of love...’ The offer doesn’t exclude her completely but I can’t imagine she’d take it up.

I think YANBU op! Why can’t grandparents just take a back seat sometimes and be pleasant even when the truth isn’t what they want to hear. It’s so aggravating and you should be able to say ‘I’d like to take them myself actually, it’s a tradition I want to do with them’ and leave it there. It pees me off that you can’t just be frank as a parent and still expect people to respond politely!

I might be biased as I feel PIL and my own parents are invasive and overbearing 🙃 constantly having to accommodate their wishes/advice/offerings politely and can’t be assertive or respond truthfully without causing upset. They do not take the hint and so it leaves you with two options; either a strong no (which causes upset) or give in (which causes resentment). I’ve had enough of it! Honestly and I’d never say/do irl; if I had the choice, out of the four of them the only one I wouldn’t almost 100% cut off would be my mother! Xo

Can’t stand reading snobby comments about Blackpool already 🙄 Not everyone’s cup of tea but no need to make digs.

@1AngelicFruitCake

Can’t stand reading snobby comments about Blackpool already 🙄 Not everyone’s cup of tea but no need to make digs.

Not snobby at all, fairly sure nobody fancies avoiding vomit on the prom with a pram an 2 kids straggling alongside.

Why can’t you travel with the kids and meet them there?

It sounds a bit like you are trying to be upset and say they clearly don’t want you there when you haven’t asked.

Just say “we’re planing on taking them but we can meet you there and see them together?”
Tbh it doesn’t sound like you were planning on taking them this year so if it’s so important to you, you shouldn’t keep putting it off.

Either tell them that you're going to go too, don't present it as a choice, or take them yourselves and say 'we'd love it if you come too.'

OR let them do it this year, you do it next year.

This seems like one of those things that could be solved with a bit of communication and less assumptions.

I'd rather we go without them
Then you and your OH need to get your bums into gear and do it before your mum beats you to it.

Life has changed from the time that your parents took you and possibly siblings to Blackpool to see the lights.
What about making a new tradition like the grandparents, the parents and the DGC all go together even though they would have to travel in two cars with that amount of people. You could even include any siblings and their children.
Traditions can be changed as the generations grow and you can all still have fun.
Your DM has not as far as I can see actually said you are not allowed to come with them to Blackpool.
To get an idea of the outing, is this a short trip from your area or is it a stay overnight situation from your area?