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Original poster

To stay with DH even though sex is unlikely to be on the menu

38 replies

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 23/10/2021 20:33

I'm gutted.

DH abs I have been together 18 years and I love him dearly. We have 2 dc and life is pretty good.

In lockdown he started being unable to get an erection. Our sex life is very important to us and it turned out it was due to him developing type 2 diabetes.

Fast forward to this year and his diabetes is totally under control. He's done so well, the practice nurse even used him as a case study as how T2 diabetes can be controlled by diet and lifestyle.

However his erections have not come back. We've tried viagra once but it made him feel awful for 2 days.

He has zero interest in sex and I miss it sooooo much. He hasn't been affectionate to me at all. Our physical relationship is non existent.

I'm so sad. I get marriage is ' in sickness and in health' and he's tried all he can to get back to normal but his sex drive has just gone.

Do I live like this now? Is that it?? I couldn't consider an open marriage or fwb or anything like that.

OP posts:
mediumbrownmug · 23/10/2021 20:43

OP, I would check with a GP before I did anything else. Maybe have a conversation with your DP and suggest that he get a checkup. Flowers

LittleOwl153 · 23/10/2021 20:47

I don't think sex is everything... however I would struggle to live without any affection/intimacy. Maybe you need help to think differently...

Hont1986 · 23/10/2021 21:02

he's tried all he can to get back to normal

He tried one pill, once. Has he tried literally anything else? Different medication, sex therapist, even just talking to his GP about this issue specifically. You both seem to be giving up way too soon.

Sammiekim · 23/10/2021 21:16

The thing is op, you are going to get mixed opinions on here.

Sex is such a personal matter, so only you can tell how important it is for you.

I dont think it's a make or break, nor the fundamental bases for a relationship. However other people do. Neither is right or wrong.

What you need to look at here is exactly HOW important it is to in the grand scheme of things. Weigh it up with the pros and the cons. See if you think the rest of the relationship is worth it to you. Whatever conclusion you come up with it is highly essential that you have an open and honest conversation with your partner. If you feel you cant go on tell him. He needs and deserves to know this. Then you can say when push comes to shove how important your needs are to him and if he is willing to explore more options before throwing the towel in.

But can I stress op - people change, and are allowed to. What was once important to your dp may not be after a life altering illness diagnosis. It happens to plenty of people, you see it many a times on threads when women go through pregnancy and never reclaim that same sex drive, so you need to respect that. Sex isnt something that should be pushed or forced onto someone, however there is nothing wrong with expressing how important it is to you and then letting your partner decide on his feelings from there.

Sammiekim · 23/10/2021 21:18
  • that should say see not say
FreshFancyFrogglette · 23/10/2021 21:18

Following due to a similar situation. It's so hard, giving up the relationship over sex feels incredibly shallow, and unjustified - to me anyway- yet it is a big source of pleasure from life, and important for all sorts of other reasons. Been at a standstill with it for the last 2 years. Keep putting off making a decision (which I guess is making a decision in and of itself!). Anyway, don't want to hijack, just interested to see other people's opinions, and advice.

Paul72 · 23/10/2021 21:22

I'm male and I can't belive that I am admiting that I can't get an erection, (I can get one but it lasts about 30 seconds). I can lick my wife and let my tongue bring her to an orgasm, I also have fingers.

Try and see if there are ways you can give each other pleasure.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2021 21:23

Apart from one viagra once what else has he tried?

Sex is a huge part of our marriage and if one of us went off it the other would expect the one who changed to explore all the possible options to resolve the issue.

You only mention one.

No sex absolutely doesn’t have to mean no physical intimacy or affection. How have you addressed that side of things?

If he’s not willing to discuss this massive change openly with you and look into things that might help and it leads to your marriage ending it won’t be you who’s responsible. It’ll be him.

It’s not okay to opt out of the one thing that defines a marriage and just pretend nothing’s changed.

Sapphire387 · 23/10/2021 21:25

The problem here seems to be that your DH just expects you to be fine with never having sex again. You need to talk to him about how you feel.

Tallisimo · 23/10/2021 21:26

Great that yourH has got his diabetes under control. I bet he tried lots of things, different meds, dosages, foods etc over time. But what has he tried when it comes to addressing his erection problems? And how long? Sounds to me as if he needs to not give up just yet.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2021 21:27

It’s not at all shallow @FreshFancyFrogglette it’s hugely important for a whole host of reasons, as you say.

I wish you strength to do what makes you happy Flowers Life is short and there’s no lonelier place than a lonely marriage. It can get better.

ittakes2 · 23/10/2021 21:30

He should get his testosterone levels checked and low levels is often the reason.

TirednWorried · 23/10/2021 21:31

when you prpmised ' in sickness and in health' what did you think you were promising?

Suchi1 · 23/10/2021 21:35

I wouldn’t leave someone I loved over this but I would explain that I need some intimacy, even if that is just lesser physical touch such as cuddling.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2021 21:47

@TirednWorried

when you prpmised ' in sickness and in health' what did you think you were promising?
He promised to love and cherish her and yet:

He hasn't been affectionate to me at all. Our physical relationship is non existent.

But you just wanted to stick the boot in didn’t you. Nice.

romany4 · 23/10/2021 21:53

As someone who is married to a disabled man with diabetes too, I understand how you feel. However, my DH is still very affectionate and loving.
Like the Male poster above, my DH uses his hands and we use toys too.
Viagra made him feel unwell

CaddieDawg · 23/10/2021 21:54

It sounds like he may need some other support from the GP or it may be a mental block given the lack of intimacy? Being diagnosed with a life long condition is a big deal and maybe he's linked the two?

Colin56 · 23/10/2021 22:39

Hello.
I think you need to take the pressure off both of you.
He has been diagnosed with a chronic illness which set him back. You now both have to reframe your sex life a little. As a man an awful lot of your self perception of worth is tied up in your penis. It gives pleasure, makes you 'visually male' etc.
So many guys have lost confidence or erections for lots of reasons, I know I have.
I'd be doing lots of close stuff that does not end in penetration or orgasm expectation. You can touch, massage, lick, use fantasy etc. Make sex non orgasm focussed for now.
Ok viagra, its awful first few times, side effects are not nice but, but but- they wear off and if headaches etc are the issue you can take nurofen with them. But viagra is kinda 'take it now for sex now' so not good for spontaneity. Cialis is much better, I had to take it for a period and the side effects were less, went away faster and it lasts for days. Start on the lowest dose first. He might be able to use this twice a week and if it can help then hopefully your intimacy can increase. Dont underestimate what a non performing penis can do to his confidence. I also highly recommend Ester Perel as something to watch together.

FreshFancyFrogglette · 23/10/2021 22:47

@anneLovesGIlbert, thank-you for your reply :).
I have actually been on the other side of the coin as well. This is from a prior relationship. Following the birth of my dc I was in agony any time exp went near my vulva. I was so off sex, even foreplay made me want to cry. I remember a sudden flash of anger towards my then partner when he tried to touch me. It was quite shocking. Obviously the pain made me repulsed. This lasted for years, and ultimately contributed to the demise of the relationship.
It wasn't just sex itself, the whole thing was a major issue, one I couldn't stomach or cope with.
I have total empathy for my partner now, who, due to health issues, is limited in sex drive, and finds sex incredibly painful. However, I made more of an effort with exp. I put time aside for sex, even though I hated it, tried dressing up, and drinking before hand. I even got to the point where I gave him the green light to "cheat" (for sex), if he felt he needed to, and met someone who wanted casual sex. He chose not to. But the offer was genuine, I had thought about it, and decided that this was a possible solution. Anyway, my now partner would not ok this, and is not motivated to come up with a solution to our issues. He keeps saying that he'll go back to the Dr, and then never does... I can't see this resolving itself anytime soon.
I know from experience that pressuring is not only wrong, but counter productive. It's hard to stick to a gentle nudge, without slowly sliding into a sexless existence.

MazIsWin22 · 23/10/2021 22:52

Very Unconventional but try a rose quartz by the bed and another in your bra, some solar plexus incense and set the intention of wanting affection etc. Don't specifically involve your partner because free will and stuff. But its always worked for me Wink

justasking111 · 23/10/2021 23:09

How old are you both?

Couldhavebeenme3 · 24/10/2021 09:00

Hmmm.

I would be very upset if my dh had not done anything (and no, one viagra doesn't really count) about looking for some professional support to reestablish the physical side of the relationship.

But I would then not feel unreasonable in having a very frank conversation about it with him about it all - intimacy doesn't always lead to sex but it sounds like there is absolutely zero coming from OP's dh.

I have a medical problem myself that makes any sort of physical activity painful, I have tried so many things to ease the pain and I'm finally scheduled for a procedure next month - but my dp and I have such a fantastic connection mentally, emotionally and physically that despite a massive reduction in actual piv sex, we have certainly not lost any spark and have found lots of other ways to have fun.

In sickness and in health doesn't mean that op should forfeit her own physical and emotional wellbeing especially when her dh isn't making an effort to help himself. If his leg was hanging off and he was refusing to go to A&E the vipers would be calling out ltb because you can't be expected to fix him and care for your home, work ft and care for the family if he is refusing to acknowledge (nevermind treat) not only the initial problem of broken leg, but more longlasting problems and has no empathy with what he's expecting op to have to deal with.

Original poster
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 25/10/2021 10:27

Thanks for all the messages. I've read them all.

I'm 49 and he is 54. We used to have sex all the time. When we married I signed up to the view that if illness stopped us having a normal life then I would support him and he would 100% support me whatever it took. I know he would.

So I feel bad for getting frustrated with his inability to take any action.

He has confessed he has completely lost any sexual urges at all. So giving me pleasure is not motivating to him as he feels les of a man and has no urges at all. His penis I think is very important to him as a man.

But I am not old and cannot see myself like this for the next 10 years or more. Talking results in very little. We can't afford private medicines and he hates going to the gp.

Sex aside, it's clear he still adores me though affection nearly always ended in sex so that link is broken. If we try and talk about it, he gets upset. I'm at a loss....

OP posts:
BeMoreQueer · 25/10/2021 10:29

Get yourself some good sex toys and take control of your satisfaction. Love honey if you’re on a budget, lelo is the sky is the limit 😉

Maybe it will come back in time but either way you can still be getting off

NellyDElephant · 25/10/2021 10:31

Giving you pleasure makes him feel like less of a man? Wow. This is more than just an erection issue …