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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay with DH even though sex is unlikely to be on the menu

38 replies

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 23/10/2021 20:33

I'm gutted.

DH abs I have been together 18 years and I love him dearly. We have 2 dc and life is pretty good.

In lockdown he started being unable to get an erection. Our sex life is very important to us and it turned out it was due to him developing type 2 diabetes.

Fast forward to this year and his diabetes is totally under control. He's done so well, the practice nurse even used him as a case study as how T2 diabetes can be controlled by diet and lifestyle.

However his erections have not come back. We've tried viagra once but it made him feel awful for 2 days.

He has zero interest in sex and I miss it sooooo much. He hasn't been affectionate to me at all. Our physical relationship is non existent.

I'm so sad. I get marriage is ' in sickness and in health' and he's tried all he can to get back to normal but his sex drive has just gone.

Do I live like this now? Is that it?? I couldn't consider an open marriage or fwb or anything like that.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 25/10/2021 10:35

So because he has no urges, he is not interested in improving the situation? He sounds very selfish.

So he doesn't like going to the GP? He gets upset when you talk about it? Boo bloody hoo.

Sorry but he sounds pathetic and very selfish. He should go to the GP as a very first step. I doubt if his GP is an expert on erectile dysfunction brought on by T2DM but it is a start.

It should be a venture that you are both tackling together in the hope that you can bring back that closeness and intimacy. I really hope that you can get through to your husband that he needs to be thinking of not just his wife but his whole relationship.

Colin56 · 25/10/2021 10:56

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully

Thanks for all the messages. I've read them all.

I'm 49 and he is 54. We used to have sex all the time. When we married I signed up to the view that if illness stopped us having a normal life then I would support him and he would 100% support me whatever it took. I know he would.

So I feel bad for getting frustrated with his inability to take any action.

He has confessed he has completely lost any sexual urges at all. So giving me pleasure is not motivating to him as he feels les of a man and has no urges at all. His penis I think is very important to him as a man.

But I am not old and cannot see myself like this for the next 10 years or more. Talking results in very little. We can't afford private medicines and he hates going to the gp.

Sex aside, it's clear he still adores me though affection nearly always ended in sex so that link is broken. If we try and talk about it, he gets upset. I'm at a loss....

I think this is a sex problem that has turned into a communication issue. You have a 'crisis' in your relationship. He is suffering due to illness, affects how he sees himself as a man, his sex life is gone, he is getting older, there is pressure to perform, he can't, the use of medication has not been useful.

You are trying to negotiate a return to intimacy but are frustrated by his lack of inaction.

To move forward you have both to learn to communicate. It sounds like you essentially have to both go forward agreeing to do your best to resolve this.

He is going to have to learn to go to his GP and talk about his penis, sex, lack of erections and what to do. Is the answer testosterone therapy, viagra, cialis etc?

You are going to have to recognise that it will take time to get his head around this set of circumstances and marraige vows, frustration etc take a back seat for a short while.

You both go to a relationship counsellor to learn how to negotiate and communicate on this issue.

You both sound lovely but a bit lost. Big best wishes and I hope you resolve this.

Colin56 · 25/10/2021 11:00

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully I would ignore @Chamomileteaplease post above. Starting out thinking he is pathethic, selfish etc is not going to resolve this. Its only going to shame him and make it more corrosive to your relationship.
Start from a basis of respectful conversation without judgement.

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 25/10/2021 11:04

@TirednWorried

when you prpmised ' in sickness and in health' what did you think you were promising?

What did he think when he said love and cherish? Forget sex. There is zero physical relationship and no affection.

Chamomileteaplease · 25/10/2021 11:08

@Colin56 you are right, your post was what I meant but you said it in a much more sympathetic way to me . I could just feel the OP's frustration and I went over the top!

Colin56 · 25/10/2021 11:18

@Chamomileteaplease Thank you. Thats very good of you to reply. I fully get the frustration but in cases like this that I see people think its the sex issue thats to resolve but its communication thats really the problem. I hope the OP can resolve it.
Have a nice Monday!

Iwonder08 · 25/10/2021 11:39

Difficult.. I would explicitly communicate with him that it is important for you and you of course will support him and be with him if there is no medical help at all, but his lack of effort to try to fix it is very upsetting as he is not taking into account your needs.
I would reconsider the relationship of lack of sex is something that can be helped, but he just can't be bothered

justasking111 · 25/10/2021 14:04

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully

Thanks for all the messages. I've read them all.

So I feel bad for getting frustrated with his inability to take any action.

But I am not old and cannot see myself like this for the next 10 years or more. Talking results in very little. We can't afford private medicines and he hates going to the gp.

Sex aside, it's clear he still adores me though affection nearly always ended in sex so that link is broken. If we try and talk about it, he gets upset. I'm at a loss....

This was me at 48 him 34. I tried everything to encourage him to get seen. He said Viagra Cialis gave him headaches, zero physical contact. Refused to pleasure me. I wept many times with the physical side of our marriage gone he became harder resenting me as a financial burden. It's not just the sex that goes the whole balance of the relationship is skewed.

I'm now a Cook cleaner

GoodnightGrandma · 25/10/2021 14:09

He will be desperate to cling onto you because he knows he couldn’t get another relationship without sex.
Don’t be forced or coerced into staying, you have to want to stay, and he has to exhaust all avenues trying to put it right.

Bolynne · 25/10/2021 14:12

Hi. I have just posted about something similar with my dh. Although as far as we know he doesn’t have any medical conditions. Like you I feel frustrated and whilst I wouldn’t want to make my dh feel inferior I am also wondering is this it now for the foreseeable future. I don’t know what to advise you as only you can make the decision to stay or leave but me personally I adore my dh and really want to stay with him and try and work through our issues. Hope things improve for you.

Blackberrybunnet · 25/10/2021 14:24

@BeMoreQueer

Get yourself some good sex toys and take control of your satisfaction. Love honey if you’re on a budget, lelo is the sky is the limit 😉

Maybe it will come back in time but either way you can still be getting off

I do think it's a bit shallow to leave someone you've loved for so long just over sex - it's only one aspect of a relationship, after all. I sympathise with your situation, however, as I have something very similar going on. I agree with BeMoreQueer wholeheartedly - it's exactly what I have done and although our sex life will never be the same again, we get by ...

DeJaDont · 25/10/2021 14:31

My OH often struggled with erections/organ due to medication. Thankfully he is still incredibly affectionate as we are a very tactile couple. If we are on the couch watching tv then he's sister rubbing my feet out he sat on the floor and I'm rubbing his shoulders etc. if he can't start or finish he absolutely makes sure I'm ok even if it's just cuddling or something more.

I really feel for you op. This must be very difficult for you, especially of he doesn't seem to be fussed about it. I agree with others that have said that a Gp visit to rule out any other reason would be my next step. I really hope you get it sorted out.

colouringindoors · 25/10/2021 14:50

Does he know how you feel? I'm struggling to see why he is not able to give any physical pleasure or affection to a long term partner who I assume he says he loves. And this is a big issue so I don't think it's fair that he won't go to the GP about it.

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