How do I stop DH from bloody mumbling when he's pissed off?!!

[eyeslikebutterflies]

DH is lovely in many ways. He's not generally an arse, but he is about one thing. When he gets cross, he starts mumbling / muttering at me in a quiet voice. We've had issues with him being passive aggressive when we first got together, and he's a lot better now. But still does this. So it goes: we have a minor disagreement. I'll say something, he'll say something, issue gets resolved, but then as I walk away he starts mutter-mutter-fucking-muttering (because he's not happy about it and has to have the last word).

My problem is: 8 years ago I got an ear infection, and then tinnitus. As a result I have hearing loss, with the tinnitus at the same pitch as the hearing loss, so it means I can't hear low sounds - particularly quiet voices. I have been advised not to go for a hearing aid yet (my consultant said to hold out for as long as possible), and generally I hear well enough to manage just fine. My DH knows all this. He also knows that, actually, I find it deeply, deeply upsetting to be losing my hearing in this way. I don't show it, I don't dwell on it, but it's shit. And I have told him every time he mutters like that, that it upsets me, as it feels deliberate. Like: hah hah, I can be as passive aggressive as I like because YOU CAN'T HEAR ME.

I call him out on it, there and then, every time. (As in, I go back and make him repeat what he's just muttered, which he usually refuses to do as he knows he's been childish, though he then also gets angrier and ends up stomping off to mask this fact). When he's calmed down, I tell him calmly that a) it feels deliberate and b) that even if it's not, it's a gutting reminder that I am losing my hearing. He says sorry, he says he definitely doesn't do it deliberately. But then the next argument rolls around and lo and behold he's muttering again.

So, should I just suck it up and stop being so sensitive about my hearing loss (yes, IABU)? Or is he being a twat and should stop doing it (no, IANBU)? If the latter, any top tips to get him to stop?!

This would drive me up the wall.

I wouldn't bother asking him to repeat, just tell him to stop being a twat when he does it. Either an argument is resolved or it isn't, and if it is then there's no need to be walking off muttering.

Sorry about your hearing loss.

YANBU. He's being a twat.
You have explained to him how upset it makes you feel and he still does it which is really horrible of him.

Mumbling, turning his head away, whispering and generally doing things that mean I can neither see nor hear what DP is saying, are the only things that I will utterly lose my shit over.

It's fucking hard work when somebody is talking to you normally, on the phone or in an area with other noise, never mind adding to it with deliberate mumbles.

I suppose it depends on whether he just does it to you, or to others as well?

Thanks for the sympathy. I try REALLY hard not to let it get me down, but this is the one thing that does. How the hell do I get him not to do it? I do call him out on it, but he just stomps off (this morning when I couldn't hear him I actually thought he wasn't being a twat and I hadn't heard something important. Turns out he WAS being a twat and when I repeatedly asked him what he said, rather than fess up he shouted at me to leave him alone. Arghh).

My DP does this. Then denies it. Then finally admits what he said. It's incredibly wearing, I've just said to him I won't respond to anything I can't hear, which includes him moaning as he walks away through the house.

Kill him. Preferably in cold blood.

Just to me, @WorraLiberty. Actually, he does mutter-mutter with the kids (usually about messy bedrooms/house), but it's not quite on the same level.

@MorrisZapp sorry you have it too! I have tried ignoring it, but tbh I don't like letting him get away with it. It's so bloody childish.

My daughter is a mutterer when she's in a snit, and I very calmly say to her that if she hasn't got the balls to say it to my face and own her words, then please take yourself off and do it somewhere else, I'm not interested.

What kind of thing is he usually saying?

Don’t suck it it, you shouldn’t have to. Sounds like he’s being an arse about it, but I think all you can do is call him out every single time. Very wearing though, if you’re already doing this.

I'm not entirely sure @DysmalRadius (as I genuinely can't hear a lot of it), but there's usually swearwords and no one ever listens to me, and what's the fucking point, and you always have to be right - basically, anything out of the Passive Aggressive Idiot's Handbook.

I would laugh at him because it reminds me of Muttley

I don't like letting him get away with it. It's so bloody childish.

I entirely get this but do wonder whether he would bother doing it at all if he didn't get a reaction? If he's mumbling because he wants you to know he's pissed off without actually having the balls to say it to your face then maybe not reacting at all would mean there's no 'reward' in it for him and he would stop. Might be worth trying it a few times even if it does feel like letting him get away with it, worth it if it means he stops?

On the return flight from our honeymoon one of my eardrums perforated. It subsequently repaired itself (small perforation) but after I got a sinus infection it popped again and this time I think the ear drum was more significantly damaged. I'm in my mid 40's and I was in my early 30's when the first perforation took place, so you have my sympathies @eyeslikebutterflies as it's not fun when you start to lose your hearing.
Now, I notice when DH and the kids are talking to me they tend to mutter or mumble (though not after an argument) and I have to keep asking them to repeat themselves as they just have poor diction and don't pronounce their words clearly enough for me to hear them first time or it's in the register where I can't hear them as clearly. It is so frustrating.

Mine still does it occasionally.
He used to do it a lot, same circumstances as you describe.

I found shouting back very very loudly to be the answer because my DH can't take me shouting. You can see his brain rattling.

If he is going to mutter abuse and insults at me, I am damned well going to shout about it.

He thinks I can't hear him. Mostly, he is very much mistaken.

Even if I don't catch it, I will give him both barrels.

I used to just suck it up, not any more.

The change came ones day when I realised this;

Nobody ever said anything nice, complimentary or at all positive while saying it under their breath.

I used this be polite, forgiving, basically anything to avoid an argument.
Then a lot of shitty things happened in my life and that part of me pretty much died or, more likely, was killed.

I would ignore him. He knows what he's doing, that he gets a reaction and that it annoys you. Don't see it as letting him win, see it as allowing you to win.

People generally mutter under their breath for 2 reasons:

1. They're obsessively passive-aggressive and can't help it. They must have the last word too.

1. They feel they can't be heard and their feelings are usually shut down/invalidated, so mumbling what they actually feel is the only way to get it out.

Bonus possible reason in your case:

1. He knows this affects you and he does it to mess with you.

If it's the first one, he most likely does it with others. The second, could be only with specific people or just you. The third, well, just you or anyone else he wants to mess with.

Not sure the category he falls into but it can be very difficult to stop.

Best thing is to either learn to ignore it or ask him what exactly he wants to say, then listen so he feels heard. If he's doing it to mess with you, then it's not a good sign at all.

Sorry about your hearing, it does make things harder to deal with.

How about saying something like :
I’ll be getting hearing aids soon, so you won’t be able to mumble unpleasant things and get away with it then. It’ll be tough for you to adjust to it all on one day, so why don’t you work on it now?

I don't think its ever good when people do this - basically passive aggressive. I assume you must love him a lot to put up with it, because a lot of people wouldn't.

Jeepers....he's just venting...passive aggressive..😂...and telling someone to not do this isn't passive aggressive?

@Bearnecessity it's not venting, no. Tbh I don't have a problem with 'venting'. It's much healthier to say what you actually think, rather than mutter-mutter-mutter away. Being clear with someone - in this case: me saying please can you say things loudly enough that I can actually hear them, because I have irreversible and progressive hearing loss - is in no way passive aggressive. If I was being passive aggressive about it, I'd not speak to him, or thrash about around the house slamming doors, or mutter under my breath as he left the room ... and then when asked what was wrong, or what I said, would say: "nothing" in a really angry tone. THAT is passive aggressive, and that's precisely what DH does (and I don't).

@Igneo that's a great response. I might try that or I might ignore take the advice to ignore.