How do I stop DH from bloody mumbling when he's pissed off?!!

[eyeslikebutterflies]

DH is lovely in many ways. He's not generally an arse, but he is about one thing. When he gets cross, he starts mumbling / muttering at me in a quiet voice. We've had issues with him being passive aggressive when we first got together, and he's a lot better now. But still does this. So it goes: we have a minor disagreement. I'll say something, he'll say something, issue gets resolved, but then as I walk away he starts mutter-mutter-fucking-muttering (because he's not happy about it and has to have the last word).

My problem is: 8 years ago I got an ear infection, and then tinnitus. As a result I have hearing loss, with the tinnitus at the same pitch as the hearing loss, so it means I can't hear low sounds - particularly quiet voices. I have been advised not to go for a hearing aid yet (my consultant said to hold out for as long as possible), and generally I hear well enough to manage just fine. My DH knows all this. He also knows that, actually, I find it deeply, deeply upsetting to be losing my hearing in this way. I don't show it, I don't dwell on it, but it's shit. And I have told him every time he mutters like that, that it upsets me, as it feels deliberate. Like: hah hah, I can be as passive aggressive as I like because YOU CAN'T HEAR ME.

I call him out on it, there and then, every time. (As in, I go back and make him repeat what he's just muttered, which he usually refuses to do as he knows he's been childish, though he then also gets angrier and ends up stomping off to mask this fact). When he's calmed down, I tell him calmly that a) it feels deliberate and b) that even if it's not, it's a gutting reminder that I am losing my hearing. He says sorry, he says he definitely doesn't do it deliberately. But then the next argument rolls around and lo and behold he's muttering again.

So, should I just suck it up and stop being so sensitive about my hearing loss (yes, IABU)? Or is he being a twat and should stop doing it (no, IANBU)? If the latter, any top tips to get him to stop?!

@Bearnecessity

Jeepers....he's just venting...passive aggressive..😂...and telling someone to not do this isn't passive aggressive?

No, calling someone out directly on bad behaviour isn't passive aggressive! It's the opposite of passive aggressive.

Just realised that sounds like I'm saying you're being aggressive OP You're not. He's just a pillock.

Hah, I know what you meant @JesusInTheCabbageVan (and agree completely!!)

I line manage someone who mutters as they're walking away from me if they don't like something. It's infuriating and rude.

I always ask them to come back and repeat what they've said clearly. Sometimes I then also repeat it back really calmly. Calling it out in this way has almost stopped it.

No way in hell I'd be able to tolerate it from a partner.

Considering youre arguing enough that this is a frequent reminder- are you even happy together?

OP, does he live you? Ask him. Point out that love is shown in actions, not words.

Someone who loved you would not persist in a negative unpleasant behaviour which you have explicitly told him is upsetting and distressing.

Make sure he knows you will always listen if he faces you openly and speaks plainly and politely about something he's unhappy about. That way, he has to articulate his grievance and let some air at it. It might be that it will look petty or vindictive out in the open, or it may be a valid concern you need to address.

Sure as heck nothing will be resolved with mutterings, though, so why do it?

Challenge him every time after this, not with a plea but with an interpretation: "I can't make out your muttered words because of my hearing impairment you unpleasant twat but the message I'm getting loud and clear is that you don't love me. Love doesn't behave like that. "

If he does live you, he will stop. If he doesn't stop, you know where you are. I do just wonder if he would go to couples counselling to improve communication? If he wants to stop but the bad habit is ingrained, this would help.

Christ alive this would drive me insane.

Annoying enough at the best of times, let alone with your hearing issue.

For what it's worth your outlook on your hearing problem is great. Acknowledging that it's shit, managing it carefully with your doctor and not letting it get you down.

Also well done for calling your husband out on the mumbling every single time. Loads if people positing on here don't even tell their partner what the issue is.

I think you're right- this is passive aggressive. Could you have some counselling? Because speaking to him about it calmly doesn't seem to be working.

Leave him to his mumbling, he’s not a child and you’re not his parent

Spray him with a water gun every time. He will learn.

@ShaneTheThird

Spray him with a water gun every time. He will learn.

😸

I had a mutterer I ended up yelling AGAIN WITH THE MUTTERING GR0W SOME AND SAY IT TO MY FACE ALREADY!

it was over something pathetic I think he swiped my chocolate stash and I had asked him to replace it he literally stood in the middle of the shopping centre muttering about me being a bitch and I could walk home he repeated it louder and I said no im catching the train like a normal person he literally followed me in his car to the train station couldn't understand why I wouldn't get in the car

Its just rage inducing

So disrespectful. It’s like a bloody child in a classroom. Venting is healthy, mumbling shit under your breath in ear shot of the person you’re mad at is pathetic

Nope, fuck that.

That's ableist and cruel and petty and absolutely not on.

Side issue: If you haven't already, please reach out to the deaf and hard of hearing community. One of the best things to do would be a BSL class. My child is HoH and it was terrifying until we met deaf and HoH people, learned BSL and started to see there was nothing to be frightened of. It's an incredible community, with a rich history globally, and BSL is a beautiful language. It might de mystify what the future holds and help you see all the good things that are possible.

If someone treated my child the way your husband is treating you I would want to punch them.

I have a similar hearing issue to you but I'm just one ear. Low tones or whispers are almost impossible for me to hear if it's the only noise, but I absolutely cannot pick them out of background noise if there is any.

I had an ex many years ago who used to mutter if I annoyed him - sometimes randomly and often at the end of a row. If I remember correctly, he denied and denied it. Then we had a row, resolved it, then I asked if he had anything to add "because I don't expect you mutter shit at me hoping I can't hear you" - and when he inevitably did I shouted very loudly at him to speak up.
I did it twice before I lost my patience altogether and dumped him.

Maybe next time you argue, tell him there and then that you don't expect him to use your hearing loss against you by muttering at you as he walks away - shame him before he does it and keep calling it out.
I am raging for you OP.

Muttering is a very childish way for him to express his annoyance, and he is doing it deliberately to unsettle you and stoke bad feeling. If he went silent and sulked, it would have the same effect. It’s immature, and designed to provoke you into reacting. He needs to learn to deal differently with his annoyance. Muttering or sulking (or indeed shouting) are a deliberate way of negatively communicating with you. It’s corrosive and prolongs the anger. He needs to grow up and either communicate properly or withdraw quietly until he has calmed down.

It all sounds like an unhealthy dynamic. But you're treating him like a child by demanding he stands before you and repeats his words back and telling him off. This is literally how you would deal with a child, do you not see that? I'm cringing on your DH's behalf.

If he does it to piss you off, it's working isn't it?

I think the poster who suggested to laugh and call him Muttley, has it spot on.

Or you could address the issue why your DH feels that he cannot speak to you properly and has to mutter his resentment?

Do a muttley laugh every single time he does it

Every time he does it say something like "mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter" in a sing song voice and laugh. Or mimic the muttering. He'll soon stop because he'll feel ridiculous.

@TheChip

Do a muttley laugh every single time he does it

Or this!

Do you need to hear his muttering? Sounds to me like it’s really only useful to him and it no longer makes up part of the argument.

So personally instead of getting upset and telling him you can’t hear it and you feel it’s deliberately done to hurt you. I’d be telling him I’m bloody glad I can’t hear his childish muttering and he can fuck
off and mutter out of your of sight.

*line of sight

It’s extremely passive aggressive and he knows it really upsets you and strikes at something personal which upsets you very much and which makes it quite nasty. I’d sit him down and say this. Say I’ve been wondering where would you draw the line at trying to hit me where it hurts? If Id been abused as a child is that what your comments would be about? And that you’ve decided there is no point addressing it with him anymore, but you can’t ignore it as you get more upset each time. It’s very nasty and passive aggressive, so you’ve decided to walk off and cut up a piece of his clothes every time he does it, which is equally annoying but not as designed to be directly nasty. And he can either decide if this is unacceptable but he can’t stop being nasty, in which case he will have to leave, or perhaps he can stop being nasty and does want to be married. Time will tell.

Are you sure youd be happy with him venting OP? It does sound a bit like what you want is for him to put up and shut up. Maybe he chunters what he feels he cant say to your face? Why not just leave him to it?