Is it acceptable to break up with someone because they've gained weight and are not the same physical person you originally met?

[carrotsncucumber]

I am asking because I've put on one stone in the past year.
I know that my partner's previous types and exes have been slim.
I've never been slim.
When I met him I was just over a stone overweight. I am now two stone overweight and a little more.
I feel like shit and have begun to take action for myself.
I don't get any feeling that he isnt as attracted to me than when we met and we enjoy intimacy as much as always.
It's me who feels unattractive.
In the back of my mind though, I wonder if he is losing attraction and could break up if I don't sort it out.
Would that be reasonable?

I don't think it is acceptable to break up for 'any reason you wish' if you are married and have made vows

Really? So what reasons are acceptable?

Adultery, desertion, separation and unreasonable behaviour.

@MissChanandlerBong81

I don't think it is acceptable to break up for 'any reason you wish' if you are married and have made vows

Really? So what reasons are acceptable?

Adultery, desertion, separation and unreasonable behaviour.

How about ‘not being in love anymore’?

I think it would be shallow of him to break up with you over that. I am sure you are not the only one whose appearance has changed over the years

@MissChanandlerBong81

I don't think it is acceptable to break up for 'any reason you wish' if you are married and have made vows

Really? So what reasons are acceptable?

Adultery, desertion, separation and unreasonable behaviour.

Separation is a good reason for a breakup? Huh? You're not making sense.

And just to play devil's advocate since you mention unreasonable behaviour - and I'm not talking about OP here, just a hypothetical - if your partner changes their appearance drastically by becoming super obese, aren't they the ones being unreasonable by expecting you not to lose your physical attraction to them or stay in a relationship where you have zero sexual desire left?

Things are never as black and white as they seem.

People are allowed to value different things in their relationships and it's ok to want to feel sexually attracted to the person you share a bed with.

I’m also guessing that someone’s appearance doesn’t change drastically in isolation. It’s impossible to separate that from everything else that’s different.

@themuttsnutts

Slightly tangetial, and not specifically about the OP…

Imagine someone posted here, “BF just proposed to me. He’s a lovely bloke - kind, funny, generous - but I don’t really fancy him that much. I mean, we get on brilliantly well. But I don’t have the hots for him. Is that a really shallow reason to turn him down?”

Most people would say, “Fancying your partner is vital. Not shallow at all to turn him down.”

So why would it be shallow to leave a relationship for the same reason?

@MissChanandlerBong81

I don't think it is acceptable to break up for 'any reason you wish' if you are married and have made vows

Really? So what reasons are acceptable?

Adultery, desertion, separation and unreasonable behaviour.

Yes dear those are legal grounds for divorce but presumably you understand that 'unreasonable behaviour' is a fairly broad category.

And separation can be because someone has fallen out of love.

I am assuming the OP is someone who has been married 20+ years. Both perspectives on this and appearances change over time. It may not be weight, necessarily, but it could equally be ageing, physical health problems, injury. It is not the same as not marrying someone you don't fancy and never have.

Back to physical attraction, during a marriage, it ebbs and flows and, yes, appearance can be a strong factor but so can other underlying relationship problems and you have to work at it. The longer you have been with someone, the harder it is to leave as your lives become more entwined with marriage, property, children, joint finances .

So, if I became a bit fat after 20 plus years of marriage after having had 2 kids and entering the menopause, it would deem a divorce to be unreasonable if this were the only reason

@themuttsnutts OP refers to a partner, not a husband.

Obviously it's more nuanced than that in couples who've been married for decades and have kids. But we have no indication of this being the case for OP. Sounds more like a newish boyfriend that a committed husband.

Separation is a good reason for a breakup? Huh? You're not making sense.

I think the waters are being muddied here because some people have assumed the OP is married whereas actually she's referred to a partner, not a husband. You could divorce a husband who had separated from you. That makes sense. Separation and divorce aren't synonyms. Separation and break up are closer to synonyms although even then you could argue for a difference between a trial separation period and an actual break up.

@themuttsnutts

I am assuming the OP is someone who has been married 20+ years. Both perspectives on this and appearances change over time. It may not be weight, necessarily, but it could equally be ageing, physical health problems, injury. It is not the same as not marrying someone you don't fancy and never have.

Back to physical attraction, during a marriage, it ebbs and flows and, yes, appearance can be a strong factor but so can other underlying relationship problems and you have to work at it. The longer you have been with someone, the harder it is to leave as your lives become more entwined with marriage, property, children, joint finances .

So, if I became a bit fat after 20 plus years of marriage after having had 2 kids and entering the menopause, it would deem a divorce to be unreasonable if this were the only reason

Well, more difficult to extricate oneself, yes.

But if my partner didn’t fancy me, even though I fancied the knickers off her, I’d consider that a pretty good reason to get out. That’s an insuperable incompatibility of expectation.

In other words, I think the unfancied one wouldn’t be shallow for quitting, any more than the one who’d stopped fancying.

Whilst it’s reasonable to break up with someone for any reason you like, it doesn’t sound like you have any thing to worry about

I can sympathise with how weight gain generally and HRT can make you feel though

Yes it's reasonable to break up with someone if you no longer find them attractive.

The weight watchers App is amazing for weight loss though - I'd definitely recommend that. Stick to the points system and you'll lose the weight, it's v simple and effective 😊

Don't sabotage your relationship for an issue that doesn't exist. If you're unhappy with your weight and want to lose it that's great but by everything you've said your OH has no issue with it

Body’s age, and love/lust changes over time.
Marriage and a formal commitment adds a layer of complexity to leaving a relationship, but honestly anything can be the straw that breaks the camels back.
OP, you need to work on self love. You deserve to like yourself more.

Thank God that my DH and I love each other for who we are and not what we look like now as neither of us look anything like we did 25 years ago!
Obviously our bodies and looks change over the years and if a relationship isn’t based on more than physical attraction it’s doomed.

Another fat man thread?

@BuckEmOrf

Another fat man thread?

Did you even bother to read the op?

OP - It's not him, it's you. I mean your mindset. Your DP hasn't given any signals he's becoming less attracted to you. The flaws you see probably aren't on his radar. It's so important you feel good about yourself.

Being 2 stone overweight isn't anywhere near the point of no return. If you want to lose weight you can do it. You're not feeling like yourself just now, do whatever you can to feel like you again. Treat yourself kindly, face masks, hair masks, hand massage, anything as a pick me up. You need to feel attractive for you first of all.

@BuckEmOrf why don't you read the first few lines

It sounds as if he likes you as you are, OP. Try to go easy on yourself.