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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it acceptable to break up with someone because they've gained weight and are not the same physical person you originally met?

48 replies

carrotsncucumber · 22/10/2021 11:41

I am asking because I've put on one stone in the past year.
I know that my partner's previous types and exes have been slim.
I've never been slim.
When I met him I was just over a stone overweight. I am now two stone overweight and a little more.
I feel like shit and have begun to take action for myself.
I don't get any feeling that he isnt as attracted to me than when we met and we enjoy intimacy as much as always.
It's me who feels unattractive.
In the back of my mind though, I wonder if he is losing attraction and could break up if I don't sort it out.
Would that be reasonable?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/10/2021 11:45

This sounds like nothing to do with him and everything to do with how you’re feeling about yourself at the moment. Focus on that.

5128gap · 22/10/2021 11:48

It would be reasonable for him to break up with you for any reason he saw fit if he didn't want to continue the relationship. But if you are both happy and getting on and he is showing no signs of losing interest i'd say he probably isn't going to. Most people don't end relationships over an extra stone if everything else is good.

nomorespaghetti · 22/10/2021 11:49

It is acceptable to break up with anyone for any reason. But it doesn’t sound like this is going to be an issue. Good luck OP and don’t be too hard on yourself!

JudgementalCactus · 22/10/2021 11:50

Yes, people are allowed to leave relationships for whatever reason. Breaking up with someone you no longer find attractive is reasonable.

But you haven't had any signs that he's bothered by your weight and you're agonising over it because you are already insecure, not because there's any tension in the relationship. Talk to him if you need reassurance but don't dwell on these negative thoughts too much. Insecurity might end up being a bigger turnoff to him than the weight.

Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 11:53

You can break up with someone for any reason you wish.

Do you talk to him ? Have you asked him if your weight bothers him or is it all in your head?

Original poster
carrotsncucumber · 22/10/2021 11:56

I feel horrendous. Heavy, unatttactive and slovenly.
I have recently started HRT and feel bloated and squidgy.
He knows I'm watching what I eat at the moment and is supportive but hasn't mentioned anything about my weight gain or changed body.
I need the structure of a healthy eating programme and a nightly walk. Any suggestions? Wine and savoury food are the downfalls.
You would never know from me that I had any confidence issues. In fact he has often remarked on my confidence and how I carry myself.... if only he knew!!!
Fake it till I make it maybe.
When I see photos of his exes, they are direct opposite to me physically.

OP posts:
TirednWorried · 22/10/2021 11:57

I don't think it is acceptable to break up for 'any reason you wish' if you are married and have made vows

Crochetandcoffeebreaks · 22/10/2021 11:58

Your DPs exes and 'types' have always been slim but you say you've never been slim, and yet he was attracted to you and has been with you since. I think you just need to work on finding a healthy weight for yourself because there isn't anything in the post to indicate that your DP is showing signs of wanting to break up, just your insecurity of your weight.

PurpleDaisies · 22/10/2021 12:01

Lots of people find menopause a hard time for weight. There’s great support on the weight loss chat and exercise boards if you wanted to go down that route. I always few better about myself when I’m active and eating well (loads of veg, more home cooked stuff is the aim).

It sounds like you just need some more reassurance from him that he still finds you attractive.

whatswithtodaytoday · 22/10/2021 12:02

Most people gain weight as they get older, men and women. There would be very few long-term couples left if that were the case. DP and I met when we were 24, now nearly 40. Unsurprisingly, our bodies have changed.

Leftbutcameback · 22/10/2021 12:05

Hi OP - I just wanted to send you a hug. It sounds like you're having a hard time, and when you said bloated and squidgy I knew exactly what you meant as I feel that too. The thing is I think we notice a lot more than our partners and other people ever do. I know that's the case when I've lost weight as well as gained it. I suspect he loves you just the way you are, and I've also heard that confidence is the thing that makes us most attractive. I'm not saying that it's easy, but don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you don't find this patronising, and good luck

LaBellina · 22/10/2021 12:10

Nobody needs any justification from others for their reason(s) to end a relationship.

That said, does he even think about breaking up? Or is this scenario only playing in your head?

Original poster
carrotsncucumber · 22/10/2021 12:11

Such lovely posts thanks. Thanks too@Leftbutcameback. I feel terrible and possibly tired and drained from breakthrough bleeding.
He shows his love and care to me through actions, not a great man for words but if actions are anything to go by, he still seems very attracted to me.
I'll see him later after a week and the last thing I feel like doing is dressing up and doing hair and make up but I think I will. It will add to my faking it, I think and I will look somewhat normal after a week of insomnia !

OP posts:
Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 22/10/2021 12:13

When it comes to whether you want to be with someone, there is no reasonable or unreasonable.

He would not be unreasonable to stop being physically attracted to you for any reason. How could that be unreasonable? We don't choose who we are physically attracted to.

He'd be unreasonable for saying "I want you to lose weight" but not for feeling that he doesn't want to continue with the relationship. Nobody is ever unreasonable for not wanting to continue with a relationship, whatever their reason is. It's not about reasonable or unreasonable. Just feelings.

shedofdread · 22/10/2021 12:15

He married you, not your exes. I doubt he has thought about it in the same way you do.

You're being really unkind to yourself. What would you say to one of us if we posted the same thing you just did?

Look after yourself. I bet you still look lovely. Any extra weight is bought and paid for.

Youdoyoutoday · 22/10/2021 12:16

You are going to be the one who ruins this relationship by constantly comparing yourself to his exes! He is not with them anymore, he is with you, he loves you and wants to be with you.

Stop with the comparisons (comparison is truly the theft of joy!), pay attention and focus on yourself, stop looking for photos of his exes! It seems you are actively searching for them to make yourself feel like crap!

if a friend of yours was doing this, what would you say to her?

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 22/10/2021 12:16

As pps have said, it's acceptable to end a relationship for any reason or even no reason.

That's not to say that some reasons for ending a relationship are not shallow and say more about the person ending the relationship than the person being finished with - but shallow isn't the same as unacceptable.

Not fancying someone any more is fair enough, but someone who is put off by a small weight gain would be shallow in my opinion.

That said, from your posts there doesn't seem to be any sign that your modest weight gain has made you any less desirable to your partner - which is as it should be.

Pythonista · 22/10/2021 12:19

@TirednWorried

I don't think it is acceptable to break up for 'any reason you wish' if you are married and have made vows
Really? So what reasons are acceptable?
shouldistop · 22/10/2021 12:19

It's not unreasonable to break up with anyone for any reason and not finding someone attractive anymore I suppose is as fair a reason as any.
It doesn't sound like he's given any indication he doesn't find you attractive though.

shouldistop · 22/10/2021 12:23

When I see photos of his exes, they are direct opposite to me physically.

They're exes though

shouldistop · 22/10/2021 12:24

@TirednWorried op isn't married though and doesn't mention children. I would give a different reply if she was

OldTurtleNewShell · 22/10/2021 12:29

Anyone can break up with anyone for any reason. I don't think it would be right to expect someone to stay in a relationship with someone they are no longer attracted to for any reason.
That said, if I knew someone had broken up with another person because of weight gain, I'd think they were incredibly shallow.
If I loved someone enough to be in a serious, long term relationship with them, them gaining weight wouldn't be an issue for me at all.

Shallwegoforawalk · 22/10/2021 12:43

I need the structure of a healthy eating programme and a nightly walk. Any suggestions? Wine and savoury food are the downfalls.

Low carb! I'm a convert to BIWI's bootcamp threads. Loads of yummy food so not hungry but losing weight.

Agree with others that anyone can leave a relationship for their own reasons, but it really doesn't sound like he's planning to, and this is all about how you feel about yourself. Be kind to yourself OP

Original poster
carrotsncucumber · 22/10/2021 13:03

What's BIWI BOOTCAMP please?
Thanks for your kindness possible

OP posts:
Shallwegoforawalk · 22/10/2021 13:09

Look up Low-carb bootcamp in the topics. Absolutely tons of info and advice on these threads.

2021 Pre-Christmas Low Carb Bootcamp http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lowcarbb_bootcamp/4377705-2021-Pre-Christmas-Low-Carb-Bootcamp