Friend's husband always tags along

[Seaswimmer123]

My best friend lives in another city so we meet up every few months. The problem is her husband always comes with her if she comes to visit me for the weekend, or if I visit her and we go out for dinner, he'll come along too. I'm single so it's not like it's a couple's night out and to be honest it feels sometimes like he's eavesdropping on us. It used to be that if I visited her he might only come along on the night out with us, but now he'll sit with us when we're in her kitchen having coffee and he's even come shopping with us, walking behind us around the rails. Because I don't see her that often we've a lot to catch up on when we do meet, but there are some things I don't feel comfortable talking about in front of him, I did confide in her about something via email and she repeated it back to me in front of him the next time we met. It's feels a bit odd, and its affecting my friendship with my oldest friend. She even told me recently that they feel it's a pity I'm not married so that he'd have someone to talk to when we go out, which made me feel that I'm not enough for the friendship on my own. Am I right to think this is an odd situation and has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[saraclara]

oops, sloppy editing. Lose one of the 'and I' s in the above!

[Cheesymonster]

I wonder what would happen if you looked him in the eye and said “thank you so much for dropping X off, so looking forward to catching up with her just the two of us, enjoy the rest of your day and I will get her home safe” then confidently take her arm and walk off.

[Twinmumandtoddler]

He’s either very controlling or maybe she is quite anxious and has become codependent. I think it’s easy to do that in a long term relationship, especially if they work together! Is she generally a confident person? I’d be upfront and say can we have a girls evening just us.

MIL doesn’t seem to go anywhere without FiL. It’s so odd, she basically acts like a child. I never want to become like that ever!

[whynotwhatknot]

the message thing is weird i dont read dh and he doesnt read mine unless i say can you just see whose messaged me if im busy

noone makes anyone read it out

[whynotwhatknot]

On the other hand my parents were like this didnt go anywhere without each other in the end shopping etc-they didnt have their own friends i thought it was nice when i was younger but could see it wasnt healthy eventually

[Rewis]

I had a friend whose boyfriend was similar. Bf didn't come when she was coming to mine but when I spent the weekend there he joined us for everything. He wasn't controlling but he didn't really have fiends so he was just excited to do stuff. My friend apologised afterwards and said that she thought he had understood that he could join to some things. Her current husband has the balance right. Three of us will have brunch together but then me and friend will go around town just the two of us. In the evening we might all go out together or he Wilson for one and we will continue longer etc.

But the phone update and thing being new sound really weird and goes over form the clueless to a bit off.

[welshladywhois40]

My ex husband was like this. Always wanted to come on my nights with friends and used to get very upset if he couldn't and angry.

I did go without him but he would want to be in constant contact while out and get very annoyed if I wasn't answering messages. I didn't respond to him as that is rude on my friends.

He was controlling. In his eyes my friends were bad influences wanting me to go out all the time - they weren't.

You have to somehow get her alone to try and understand what is going on really at home. Each time he comes he stops her having the chance to speak frankly about home life.

[Dancingonmoonlight]

Does she have children OP? My sister and her DH are like this. Both in their late 40s. No children. Her DH is some way controlling and she is overly dependent on him (but pretends she is fiercely independent).

Her DH doesn't have any friends of his own and she doesn't have many friends either and the single friends ditched her a long time ago for the same reasons you listed in your post.

Her DH is always 'there'. I find it irritating that I can't speak to one on their own and even if I did, everything will be repeated back.

They just don't have enough going on. The smallest thing can be planned and spoken about for weeks and weeks.

I think you either have to accept this is the way it is and make plans to do something you enjoy when meeting e.g. go to hear live music, try new restaurants because the days of relaxing and chatting freely are gone.

[saraclara]

Can you tell her that you'd like to meet her for coffee, but have something personal that you want to discuss with her, so can she come alone? maybe hint at a 'woman's problem'?
It would be interesting to see how she responds to that.

[rainbowstardrops]

I'd have to be upfront I'm afraid and say you'd really love to meet up but just the two of you.

[Muchasgracias]

Do you have his number? Could you message him and say you would like to plan a surprise girls treat for you and your friend, and see how you get along? If he blocks it or spills the beans to your friend, then I think you have to accept them as they are or give up on the quest for 1:1 time. And in that case I’d be having a very frank chat with my friend. I wouldn’t tolerate this long term.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I've no doubt she'd end our friendship if he can't be included. I've felt it's something that I have to accept as part of our friendship but am now wondering if it's worth it

Sounds reasonable to me. The only thing, since this has got worse recently, is that she may need you in future, so I wouldn't cut her off completely - more just let her know you're there for her but not with him constantly in tow

And you could well be right that he's "a different person" when nobody else is around ...

[Anonymice1]

I’d tell him next time half jokingly that you’ve asked to see your friend just the two of you, but it doesn’t seem possible for some reason. It’s very odd.

[Anonymice1]

*that you’ve asked to see your friend for a girls only night

[TarpaulinEyes]

Get tickets for just the two of you to go to the theatre maybe, Christmas treat? Would she be up for that? Doesn't matter if he chooses to sit outside in the car if he's daft enough to want to do that as you can talk to her in the interval in peace. Treat it as a joke and say something when you leave about ooo look our taxi's waiting for us.

[Dillydollydingdong]

Can't you invite her to yours, making it clear that the invitation doesn't include 3?

[Beautiful3]

I wouldn't go anymore. Just explain that you feel like a third wheel, and would prefer it just you two.

[BruceAndNosh]

@Sazto

In honesty, this sounds slightly like my relationship (not the phone part) and it's nothing to do with control or dependency on my DP behalf. A lot of the time I do ask my DP to come along but mainly because he doesn't have a lot of male friends in the area and i feel a bit guilty going out and leaving him. I always make sure I do occasional girls only days out so it's not completely the same as this situation. Maybe it's the same for your friend, maybe the husband doesn't have a social circle and she feels guilty that he will be bored whilst she is out? Just my observation.

If my friends felt that way, I wish they'd just say something about it. I'd not be offended. Maybe you could specify next time that you need some girl time?

Have you ever considered what your friends might want?

[BluebellsGreenbells]

If my friends felt that way, I wish they'd just say something about it. I'd not be offended. Maybe you could specify next time that you need some girl time?

Do you know it’s rude to invite others?

[WhereDoesThisToiletGo]

Arrange a day out with her.
Hire a 2 seater sports car for the occasion...
Make sure the tiny boot is also too full for him to squeeze in there

[Thelnebriati]

As the controlling person isolates their victim, the longest surviving relationships feel the most threatening, because they are the strongest.
It seems clear she is in an abusive relationship. If she decides to leave, her last friends are likely to be included in his abuse and he'll blame them for putting her up to it.
If you offer to help her leave she may turn on you, she's probably still in denial.
The first person you need to think about is you. How much do you want to be involved in any fall out?

[FlorenciaFlora]

It’s just as likely they’re both weird and inappropriate. All adult women know it’s really off to allow their gormless husbands to listen in on other women’s conversations.

Even if he is controlling, he doesn’t get to control you and you don’t have to allow it.

My sister and her H are exactly the same. It’s not a control issue, it’s because he has no friends and she pity’s him. He tags along everywhere and many friends have drifted away because of it.I’ve mentioned it to her several times and nothings changed so I don’t visit anymore and I dodge visits here.

Recently she has started to include him in a ridiculous three way conversation when I call. It’s inappropriate and weird so I don’t call as much.

I’m not sure why my sister thinks his lack of friends entitles him to intrude into my life or my conversations. I can’t fucking stand him and I’ve got really sick of my sister expecting me to centre him.

Tell her you’d prefer it just the two of you and if she still expects you to cater to him fuck them both off.

[TreeSmuggler]

This is my absolute pet hate.

In my experience it's usually not about one person being controlling, it's just two people who both don't want to ever leave the house without the other.

Half the time the DP monopolises the conversation, the other half they sit there in total silence, looking bored. I don't know which is worse.

There is nothing you can do. Except keep that in mind when you get in touch with the person, so don't plan to meet up unless you feel like also seeing the husband, and this will mean you contact them less often.

[Dancingonmoonlight]

Have you ever considered what your friends might want?


This.
Serious question.

[Seaswimmer123]

@WhereTheSpiritMeetsTheBones Yes, she has suffered from anxiety in the past which is why I suggested her and her sister, who I get on well with, visit for a weekend and we could go shopping, go for dinner, she said yes, but it never happened so I stopped suggesting it.