Friend's husband always tags along

[Seaswimmer123]

My best friend lives in another city so we meet up every few months. The problem is her husband always comes with her if she comes to visit me for the weekend, or if I visit her and we go out for dinner, he'll come along too. I'm single so it's not like it's a couple's night out and to be honest it feels sometimes like he's eavesdropping on us. It used to be that if I visited her he might only come along on the night out with us, but now he'll sit with us when we're in her kitchen having coffee and he's even come shopping with us, walking behind us around the rails. Because I don't see her that often we've a lot to catch up on when we do meet, but there are some things I don't feel comfortable talking about in front of him, I did confide in her about something via email and she repeated it back to me in front of him the next time we met. It's feels a bit odd, and its affecting my friendship with my oldest friend. She even told me recently that they feel it's a pity I'm not married so that he'd have someone to talk to when we go out, which made me feel that I'm not enough for the friendship on my own. Am I right to think this is an odd situation and has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[Allsorts1]

I have a relative like this, her DH even went to her sisters hen do! The only way we can see her alone is to surprise her at work. She doesn’t view him as controlling at all and gets very defensive if he is criticised. I would ask to see her alone because you want girl talk, don’t mention being worried as that’s 99% likely to backfire and alienate her.

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

@Seaswimmer123

She works with him too, neither of them seem to have their own interests, maybe they're just really close and enjoy doing everything together.

Oh god I worked with a couple like this. She'd sit next to him in the morning reading the paper over his shoulder. One time he was typing on the computer. She was sitting next to him. Looking at what he was typing. I found it suffocating just watching it

[Sazto]

@Dancingonmoonlight As I said in my post, my DP does tag along to things but not to everything I do with the girls. If my mates had a problem with it, they would tell me. We're not a shy bunch and we're good enough friends to be able to talk candidly. All I was trying to do was provide another perspective, and perhaps give an explanation as to why the OP's friend is doing what she's doing. You don't have to agree and that's fair enough.

[TreeSmuggler]

I have a friend who does this. The worst example was when another friend was having a baby shower at a nice restaurant, the guest list was 30 women. Friend RSVPs yes, for herself, her DH... and her two dc!

[Christabellaxx]

I would suggest a girls spa , night ,day or half a day even. Hopefully you’ll have a lovely time and you can say to her , how nice her husband is but once in a while it’s good to just be the two of you . Or ask her when the next time is that her his and is busy so you can have some girlfriend time ….

[FlorenciaFlora]

In honesty, this sounds slightly like my relationship (not the phone part) and it's nothing to do with control or dependency on my DP behalf. A lot of the time I do ask my DP to come along but mainly because he doesn't have a lot of male friends in the area and i feel a bit guilty going out and leaving him. I always make sure I do occasional girls only days out so it's not completely the same as this situation. Maybe it's the same for your friend, maybe the husband doesn't have a social circle and she feels guilty that he will be bored whilst she is out? Just my observation

If my friends felt that way, I wish they'd just say something about it. I'd not be offended. Maybe you could specify next time that you need some girl time?

What is wrong with you?

Do you actually realise what you are doing here? You are expecting your friends to compensate and provide entertainment for your husband because much like my sister you pity him.

You don’t get to use other women like this. They are not there to emotionally babysit your husband because you feel bad leaving him. It’s not their problem.

Why does your feeling bad about leaving this adult man become your friends responsibility? Why does this entitle him to their time and allow him to listen to their conversations? Without you there he likely wouldn’t be tolerated.

You don’t get to set other women up to do emotional labour for your ridiculous husband who can’t be left alone.

It is this emotional labour from them that you feel entitled to that will ultimately end your friendships. You know full well the dynamics change when a man is present and that people can’t talk freely.

My sister is a lovely person and I love her dearly. But there is an almost exploitive sexist undercurrent in attempting to have me centre him and meet his need for company. I won’t do it and I feel so strongly about that I have reduced contact.

We all centre our partners in some ways and that’s not a bad thing. But it is off, intrusive and inappropriate when you expect other women to do it also.

Unless your friends specifically invite him he’s not welcome.

[Cantcook842]

I absolutely hate this. My friend and her husband used to be like this. They aren't as bad now, but for the first few years they wanted to be together all the time. I was like wtf, I'm not his friend, why would I want to be socialising with him? I just stopped seeing them and I think alot of others did aswell. I think it's embarrassing

[toomuchlaundry]

@sazto unless some of your friends' other halves are coming along you really shouldn't invite your DP too

[WildfirePonie]

Cancel the weekend visit.

It's going to be a load of crap with him hanging around anyway.

[FlorenciaFlora]

As I said in my post, my DP does tag along to things but not to everything I do with the girls. If my mates had a problem with it, they would tell me. We're not a shy bunch and we're good enough friends to be able to talk candidly

If he’s tagging along he wasn’t invited. It’s inappropriate to turn up with anyone that wasn’t invited whether that’s your husband or your grandma.

You’re evidently not good enough friends to talk candidly otherwise someone would have told you to stop bringing him when he wasn’t invited. Like many here they probably think he’s controlling you.

[toomuchlaundry]

With respect to the OP I think she should continue her friendship if she can to support her friend, because her DP does sound controlling. Is there anyway you could get a couple of tickets for something @Seaswimmer123 so it would only be you and your friend able to go.

[Roussette]

sazto.
Why in god's name do you let your husband "tag along" to what is a female friendship meet up?
You can bet your bottom dollar your friends don't like it and they're probably too polite to say anything because it's a very awkward conversation.
Why the heck does your DH want to sit with a load of women chatting, isn't he embarrassed?
If not, he should be.

[contrary13]

I have a friend whose first husband used to accompany her on every trip home - and consequently to every meet up with me/other old school friends. At the time, I thought it was really odd, but no one else seemed to and my friend seemed happy enough... so I put it down to my own left-over nuances from an abusive relationship, and said very little. I did refuse to leave him alone with my then-small daughter, whom he professed to "adore", though - and in hindsight, given what I now know about what was going on in that marriage, I'm glad I trusted a little of my own intuition, even if I didn't speak up/check with my friend that she was actually okay (she wasn't). We were early 20s though, and didn't really know any better. He was her first boyfriend, and she thought him going everywhere with her was sweet and romantic... until it wasn't. They're divorced now, and he has full custody of the child he pushed her to have, driving her into a breakdown in the process - and she admits to believing that he was with her solely to have a child. Which is chilling.

[toomuchlaundry]

Maybe @sazto's friends think her DP is controlling and want to maintain their friendship with her so let him tag along so they can support her.

[Oh4Tunas]

I'd be honest, tell her that while you're happy to occasionally go out as a group of three, you miss the times when it's just the two of you. If she won't agree to that, I'd reduce the frequency of the meet-ups. I'd also assume anything I told her in confidence would be shared with him later, even if he's not out with you.

Why this is happening doesn't really change things, at this point. If she's in a controlling relationship, you can't help her until she decides to help herself. And it may just be that she's very dependent on him to alleviate her anxiety, feels guilty that he has nothing to do while she's out, etc.

[MrsKeats]

My mum used to work with a lady and her husband dropped her off at a Christmas party then sat outside in the car all night,
They only lived a few miles away.
Creepy and controlling.

[FlorenciaFlora]

There is only one explanation for this tagging along and I believe that to be control.

My sister says similar things to Sazto. She feels sorry for him, he has no friends, he can’t be left alone, he’s socially awkward.

But actually, I think it is controlling in its own way. She is making him look like a sap and a weirdo and encouraging others to follow that narrative. She is controlling people’s choices and forcing people to spend time with him when they don’t want to.

She’s engineered a situation where if you want a relationship with her you must have one with him. It’s not ok to force people to have a friendship with your spouse.

I’d say implying your spouse is some sad sap who can’t be left alone is pretty controlling.

[JSL52]

[quote Sazto]@Dancingonmoonlight As I said in my post, my DP does tag along to things but not to everything I do with the girls. If my mates had a problem with it, they would tell me. We're not a shy bunch and we're good enough friends to be able to talk candidly. All I was trying to do was provide another perspective, and perhaps give an explanation as to why the OP's friend is doing what she's doing. You don't have to agree and that's fair enough.[/quote]
You can see how many posters on here think it's strange.
It's embarrassing for all concerned.

[ChargingBuck]

She even told me recently that they feel it's a pity I'm not married so that he'd have someone to talk to when we go out

This was the perfect opening for you! How come you didn't use it to say something like "but does John need to accompany us every time we meet? I'd really like some 1 on 1 time with you, when can we do that?"

[ChargingBuck]

@midsomermurderess

I know a couple who are virtually inseparable, it's definitely not a control thing. She sees not to want to be an adult so relies on him to drive her everywhere, book holidays, get the plumber. If she doesn't get her way, she gets quite foot stampy. Just to say that there are alternatives to this being controlling. Some couples just have what to others seems like an odd relationship. If find the couple I know creepy.

Erm ... you think If she doesn't get her way, she gets quite foot stampy
is NOT a control thing?
It's the epitome of controlling!

[HesterShaw1]

This sounds very wrong to me. I have a friend whose husband used to do this, and we used to hate it. We never saw her on her own. It turned out to be a coercively controlling, abusive relationship and he is now in prison. Extreme maybe. But it happens.

[Sazto]

I think it's quite a leap to suggest that DP is controlling just because he meets my friends with me. My friends have become his friends. Sometimes we meet up as a big group and then some times just a few of us. There's a lot of judgement being thrown around on this thread.

[FlorenciaFlora]

I think it's quite a leap to suggest that DP is controlling just because he meets my friends with me. My friends have become his friends. Sometimes we meet up as a big group and then some times just a few of us. There's a lot of judgement being thrown around on this thread

If your friends have become his friends there would be no reason for him to tag along because he’d be invited. Wouldn’t he?

Not many women want to be friends with some saddo who can’t be left alone and has no friends of his own. Like you, they probably pity him.

[toomuchlaundry]

@Sazto because that is quite often what happens in a controlling relationship where one partner always has to know where the other partner is, will only let them go out if they are with them or with particular friends. For most people it is very unusual to have their partner tag along if no other partners are invited.

I am seeing friends tonight, all female, so wouldn't ask if DH can come along. We are meeting at one of the friend's house. Another time we could meet up at the same house but the invite would be extended to partners (and sometimes DC).

[FlorenciaFlora]

Ultimately Sazto when your husband tags along without an explicit invitation it is controlling regardless of who’s suggested it.

You don’t get to control who your friends spend their precious evening with. If they desperately want your husband there I’m sure they’ll let you know. Until then, he should not tag along.