Friend's husband always tags along

[Seaswimmer123]

My best friend lives in another city so we meet up every few months. The problem is her husband always comes with her if she comes to visit me for the weekend, or if I visit her and we go out for dinner, he'll come along too. I'm single so it's not like it's a couple's night out and to be honest it feels sometimes like he's eavesdropping on us. It used to be that if I visited her he might only come along on the night out with us, but now he'll sit with us when we're in her kitchen having coffee and he's even come shopping with us, walking behind us around the rails. Because I don't see her that often we've a lot to catch up on when we do meet, but there are some things I don't feel comfortable talking about in front of him, I did confide in her about something via email and she repeated it back to me in front of him the next time we met. It's feels a bit odd, and its affecting my friendship with my oldest friend. She even told me recently that they feel it's a pity I'm not married so that he'd have someone to talk to when we go out, which made me feel that I'm not enough for the friendship on my own. Am I right to think this is an odd situation and has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[Queenoftheashes]

Personally I would incessantly drag the husband for being pathetic and needy. This has worked for me but of course depends on how your friend takes it.

[Gonnagetgoing]

[quote Seaswimmer123]@Pepsipepsi that's exactly it, it changes the dynamic and you don't feel comfortable talking about some things in front of a man. It's really annoying.[/quote]
It's tricky as I was exactly the same with my friend.

Years later, luckily the last time I met her, we did meet up for a film, dinner out and I stayed over (as too far for me to drive home). The last time we spoke she mentioned a spa day too (without her DH!). It does help that now her DH has his own set of friends and work colleagues to go out with.

I felt so awkward talking about relationship/woman issues etc in front of him before, so just didn't!

[Muchmorethan]

@Sazto

In honesty, this sounds slightly like my relationship (not the phone part) and it's nothing to do with control or dependency on my DP behalf. A lot of the time I do ask my DP to come along but mainly because he doesn't have a lot of male friends in the area and i feel a bit guilty going out and leaving him. I always make sure I do occasional girls only days out so it's not completely the same as this situation. Maybe it's the same for your friend, maybe the husband doesn't have a social circle and she feels guilty that he will be bored whilst she is out? Just my observation.

If my friends felt that way, I wish they'd just say something about it. I'd not be offended. Maybe you could specify next time that you need some girl time?

If l was your friend I'd be so pissed off if you brought DH along. I'm there to see you not him.

I actually would stop going to meet ups.... which is what l did with another friend when she kept bringing her DC along for no reason other then they "want to come too"

[Immaculatemisconception]

If I have a friend round for coffee, my DH makes himself scarce. He always has something better to do and will say the last thing we want is him hanging round! This seems far more normal to me.

[Seaswimmer123]

@DottyHarmer, Howard and Hilda 😀, I feel my friend and her husband and only one step away from what you described.

[QueeniesCroft]

@Seaswimmer123

Thanks for those replies, I have suggested meeting up just the two of us, but she never agrees to it, he always comes along. I do think he might be a bit controlling as the last time I was in their house her phone was on the counter and when a message pinged, he picked it up and asked her to read the message in front of him. I do get on with him, but I sometimes feel he could be a different person when I'm not there.

That's quite chilling. I don't know what you do though, apart from making an effort to maintain the friendship and make it was clear as you can that you are always there for her.

[mountbattenbergcake]

I do think he might be a bit controlling as the last time I was in their house her phone was on the counter and when a message pinged, he picked it up and asked her to read the message in front of him.

Er, ya think?! That's not a bit controlling that's A ALOT controlling OP.

I think I would still keep in touch with her, even if you don't meet up with her, as it sounds likely she will need your support one day...

[Seaswimmer123]

@Ihaventgottimeforthis, ha ha, he'd probably stand watching though, nothing would put this man off

[IWentAwayIStayedAway]

I only had to read your aibu @Seaswimmer123 and my spidy sense tingled. Been there, done that. I drifted away from friend as she could do nothing without dh. Hes now ex and we're back in contact. He was controlling, abusive, etc. No advice as im sure what i did re dropping contact must have hurt her but he wasnt a nice person to be around. Btw ive other friends who i socialise with them and their partners and its not an issue /intense

[Frymetothemoon]

This screams "controlling behaviour" at me. Can you get to her alone (even if it means following her to the pub toilet or something) and ask if she's OK?

[VickyEadieofThigh]

4 years ago I met up with an old, very close (in those days) school friend I hadn't seen for almost 40 years. Her husband sat in the room with us for the entirety of my visit.

"Controlling"? Hell, YES! The next meet I arranged was in a coffee shop in a neighboring town and thankfully, he didn't tag along.

[Roussette]

If I have a friend round for coffee, my DH makes himself scarce

Ditto, mine too. And all my friends' husbands are the same.

OP... does your friend insist on being with her DH and his friends too or does that never happen?

I find it pathetic that a man can't amuse himself at home and might get bored... can't get over that

[sadie9]

That's weird. I have a friend whose husband (now her Ex) used to sit close beside her when she was on the phone to me.
One of those long phone calls where you discuss everything.
Later on, after they split it turned out he was very controlling but she was so caught up in it she just went along with it.
It never occurred to her that she could ask to be alone with her friends because she automatically sensed what would please him or not.

She had minimised her own feelings to the point that she acted more and more to please him but believed they were her own choices.

[Seaswimmer123]

@Roussette, he doesn't have many friends. Actually one time when I was visiting he happen to be meeting up with a friend, so they planned that the four of us would go out together, now you probably think they were trying to match us up, but this guy was married, and his wife was at home, talk about awkward, imagine how he must have felt or what she would have thought if she'd seen us.

[Orgasmagorical]

Have they been together long, Seaswimmer?

[HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss]

He sounds needy, controlling and stifling. See what the weekend is like but i think i'd have to ask her whether she's ok before stepping back rather than just ghosting her.
I had a dear friend like this whose husband drove her everywhere (and even sat outside waiting for her) or accompanied her on the train for visits. He used to ask her to put our phone calls on speaker so he could listen in! She had been ground down by him into not having a mind or opinion of her own and lost all confidence. Such a shame as we used to enjoy each others company and now our friendship has faded away. She wont hear a word against him though

[Seaswimmer123]

@Orgasmagorical, about 20 years, but this business of tagging along has been getting worse, particularly in the last I'd say 3 years to the point that on my last visit it was literally 100% of the time

[JaneDoe21]

I had a friend like this. Her partner used to follow her around like a lost puppy, and we couldn't really talk properly even when I invited her to mine she'd bring him along and hed just sit there not talking. Soon ended the friendship as she didn't take the hint.
My DH has single man friends of his visit our home sometimes and I couldn't imagine sitting with them while they talk about boring man stuff. it's weird. Tell her how you feel!

[userxx]

@Comedycook

Oh god, I hate this kind of thing. I have a friend who does this... they'll be 5/6 women on a night out and her husband! He's not controlling...they both actively want to do everything together. Yanbu though...it totally changes the dynamic

Hideous.

[1forAll74]

Just ask your friend about this issue, and tell her that it's off putting behaviour to have her husband always in attendance , when you just wan't to spend time with your friend.

[Pendore]

I find it strange when people do this. They either are so infatuated with each other or one (or both!) are controlling.

OP have you tried asking him directly, in front of your friend, whether he could give you some time alone with her, or just calling him out in front of her. Eg “X do you literally spend every minute of the day with your wife? Don’t you do anything by yourself?” Although that sounds quite mean so maybe “oh X your always with us all the time, must get so bored listening to us chat, why don’t we go for a walk so you can have time to yourself?”

[WhereTheSpiritMeetsTheBones]

Could it be anxiety, where your friend feels like she cannot cope without her DH there as a safety blanket? Feeling anxious in this way is a perfect breeding ground for codependency or controlling partners.

[WeAllHaveWings]

I have had this situation twice.

The first they were just so bloody lovey/dovey it was vomit inducing. A quick chat and it was resolved and he backed off. The second was more sinister.

If she is a close friend it is something you need to deal with head on and honestly. She will already know it is a problem for you. Yes you might risk losing her, but she needs to make decisions knowing you won't be spending time in his company.

If she does back off from the friendship let her know you care for her, and while worried about her wish her well and you will be there if she needs you.

[Orgasmagorical]

[quote Seaswimmer123]@Orgasmagorical, about 20 years, but this business of tagging along has been getting worse, particularly in the last I'd say 3 years to the point that on my last visit it was literally 100% of the time[/quote]
Does he go to the toilet?

If he is controlling and she doesn't realise it she may well tell him if you say anything about it.

but I sometimes feel he could be a different person when I'm not there

Hopefully it's just that they like to be together and that your friend is more than happy with the way things are but having been in her position I wouldn't be surprised.

[saraclara]

I have the opposite problem. My relationship with the couples that I and my late husband and I were friends with has changed completely. I used to consider myself just as friendly with the male halves (sometimes more) but now when I go to visit them or stay for the weekend, the husbands tend to disappear. It makes me sad.

(Sorry for the threadjack - in OP's case the guy sounds controlling)