Friend's husband always tags along

[Seaswimmer123]

My best friend lives in another city so we meet up every few months. The problem is her husband always comes with her if she comes to visit me for the weekend, or if I visit her and we go out for dinner, he'll come along too. I'm single so it's not like it's a couple's night out and to be honest it feels sometimes like he's eavesdropping on us. It used to be that if I visited her he might only come along on the night out with us, but now he'll sit with us when we're in her kitchen having coffee and he's even come shopping with us, walking behind us around the rails. Because I don't see her that often we've a lot to catch up on when we do meet, but there are some things I don't feel comfortable talking about in front of him, I did confide in her about something via email and she repeated it back to me in front of him the next time we met. It's feels a bit odd, and its affecting my friendship with my oldest friend. She even told me recently that they feel it's a pity I'm not married so that he'd have someone to talk to when we go out, which made me feel that I'm not enough for the friendship on my own. Am I right to think this is an odd situation and has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[me109f]

Obviously does not work for you then.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@me109f

Ah "squawking" are we?A firm favourite word of the common or garden variety misogynist. Surprised you didn't add 'hysterical' in there too for good measure!

Do you really not see why women would take issue with you saying you've always "allowed" your partners to see their friends without you? Seriously you must understand how that implies you think she needs your permission to do so or that you're granting her a favour in not stopping her. You can see that right?

[JSL52]

@me109f I'm hoping you're a bit bored and this is your idea of a joke 🤔

[Roussette]

Would you like it @me109f if your wife/gf said she allowed you to see your friends? Like it was something she bestowed on you and was doing you a favour to allow it?

That's the problem with your post.

[LoveGrooveDanceParty]

There was absolutely nothing ‘squawking’ about our responses, @me109f.

You’re continuing to display your quite remarkable lack of insight and self-awareness. And your true colours have further emerged (from ‘allowed’ to ‘squawking’ in two posts).

Why not go away and have a think about this exchange, and what you could have done differently so as not to get this reaction?

[ufucoffee]

Reading the responses from people who say they are with their husbands 24/7. I know a lot of people will find this morbid but I always wonder what they will do if the other one dies. To be so dependent on another person that you have very few friends means you run the risk of being very lonely and isolated if they are no longer around. It's seems unhealthy to be so reliant on one person. Your friend OP appears to be one of them and she's risking losing you.

[brokenbiscuitsx]

@me109f

[TSSDNCOP]

Fuck that. I like my friends husbands, they're all good guys but I wouldn't want one along as a spare wheel and neither would they.

PS my friends and I don't share "our dreams" FFS

[BestZebbie]

Can you
A) have a quiet word with her sister and see if she has noticed the same and what she thinks about it/if she has any further insight.
B) If you actually think he might be abusive then before you stop meeting her, do the changing room zip thing and have a couple of index cards prewritten in your bag that you can hold up silently so he can't hover outside and overhear. I'd suggest something like "I've noticed DH is with you 24/7 nowadays, are you OK? I'm getting worried about you" and "If you ever need help, contact me with the code word "red shoes" in a message and I'll be there for you".

[Fired]

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@me109f

Imagine mansplaining women's friendships to a group of women discussing men who impose themselves on female friendships. The lack of awareness is almost impressive!

Also you "allowed" your partners to socialise with their friends? Jesus Christ. The arrogance of thinking you have the right to "allow" another adult to see their friends.

They become so much happier and more fun to live with.

Happier after a night away from you mansplaining their behaviour to them? Colour me shocked![/quote]
Well said

[sheenapunk]

Your friend is the problem. You've asked her not to bring hubby so the two of you can catch up, but she doesn't.

Don't know why people are blaming the hubby!

You might need to let this relationship go.

Best friend is a bit schoolgirl, by the way.

[CharityDingle]

@ufucoffee

Reading the responses from people who say they are with their husbands 24/7. I know a lot of people will find this morbid but I always wonder what they will do if the other one dies. To be so dependent on another person that you have very few friends means you run the risk of being very lonely and isolated if they are no longer around. It's seems unhealthy to be so reliant on one person. Your friend OP appears to be one of them and she's risking losing you.

It's a very good point, imo. I mentioned someone upthread who was in a very codependent marriage. Her husband actually died some years back.
I was no longer in touch with her, even before he died but thinking back, I do wonder how she coped.

She was someone who had so much going for her, in every way. He was basically a leech.

[ChargingBuck]

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@me109f

Imagine mansplaining women's friendships to a group of women discussing men who impose themselves on female friendships. The lack of awareness is almost impressive!

Also you "allowed" your partners to socialise with their friends? Jesus Christ. The arrogance of thinking you have the right to "allow" another adult to see their friends.

They become so much happier and more fun to live with.

Happier after a night away from you mansplaining their behaviour to them? Colour me shocked![/quote]
Nice one Lynn.

They become so much happier and more fun to live with.

Going by the tone of this, it's hard to tell if @me109f is fantasising telling us about a bunch of service animals he is managing, or actual human beings.
Especially as it's hard to imagine he has any female friends.

[LindaLooky]

I know someone who always comes out with their husband. I have no idea what he gets out of the meet ups. He isnt sociable so hangs at the back and seems uncomfortable when someone speaks to him.

We meet as part of a group of mums so the kids are usually there. I wondered if she feels unable to cope with her two kids alone. They seem perfectly manageable though. I dont get it at all.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Same difference I think @ChargingBuck because for men like @me109f us women are emotional support animals / domestic appliances rather than separate, equal, whole people.

Just noticed his username starts with 'me' which is extra fitting!

[Roussette]

It's a very good point, imo. I mentioned someone upthread who was in a very codependent marriage

I have NDNs like this. She goes absolutely nowhere. Literally, doesn't leave the house except to go for a walk, with him of course. He does AmDram, quizzes at the pub, and holidays with their son (without her). She does nothing, goes nowhere. He manages everything, not sure she can even use a computer. He manages her life.
Years ago, I had a very gentle chat with her and I got from it that she likes it that way.
God knows what she'll do if he dies (and he has had a few health probs).

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@Roussette

It's a very good point, imo. I mentioned someone upthread who was in a very codependent marriage

I have NDNs like this. She goes absolutely nowhere. Literally, doesn't leave the house except to go for a walk, with him of course. He does AmDram, quizzes at the pub, and holidays with their son (without her). She does nothing, goes nowhere. He manages everything, not sure she can even use a computer. He manages her life.
Years ago, I had a very gentle chat with her and I got from it that she likes it that way.
God knows what she'll do if he dies (and he has had a few health probs).

This is very similar to some old neighbours of ours and it was an absolute nightmare for the family when he passed away. His wife didn't know who they banked with, who their mortgage was with, his pension details, any account numbers for any suppliers, I don't know how - I can only think he must have routinely shredded paperwork or something. Their kids had a hell of a time trying to sort it all out bless them.

[Roussette]

I can't even begin to imagine what life will be like for her if something happens to him.
He's one of those men who never ever shuts up... I make a point of engaging her in conversation because he just monologues.

[midsomermurderess]

The couple I know who are completely in each other's pockets, I can seriously imagine going down the double suicide route if one gets critically ill. One not to leave the other alone because she has let herself be so infantilised she couldn't cope. She's in her early 50s. It's quite, quite odd.

[Roussette]

midsomer god, yes, this is my NDNs. I just can't imagine him leaving her behind

[SleepingBunnies21]

Haven't rtft bit the him making her read put the message she just received; seems like a gogantic red flag re abuse.

Put alongside his presence at absolutely everything she does, even shopping with a female friend....

Someone has suggested how to help her (cards etc) but you get the impression she doesn't think she needs help/doesn't want it.

[CharityDingle]

@Roussette

It's a very good point, imo. I mentioned someone upthread who was in a very codependent marriage

I have NDNs like this. She goes absolutely nowhere. Literally, doesn't leave the house except to go for a walk, with him of course. He does AmDram, quizzes at the pub, and holidays with their son (without her). She does nothing, goes nowhere. He manages everything, not sure she can even use a computer. He manages her life.
Years ago, I had a very gentle chat with her and I got from it that she likes it that way.
God knows what she'll do if he dies (and he has had a few health probs).

These two went everywhere together. Everywhere. I always remember her commenting about something he said when she was having her hair done. So, he was there.

The thing was, she was a very efficient, well regarded person in the workplace. He was a leech, who seldom if ever did a day's work.

And she thought the sun, moon and stars shone out of him. So, that worked for them, I guess. I imagine she made a new life for herself, after his death.

[tradition]

Perhaps it's never occurred to him that you wouldn't want him along. Some men are a bit dense and he probably thinks you want him there!
Why not try 'confiding' in him next time and say you'd like some time with your friend alone to talk about women's problems 😳 and see his reaction. Most middle aged men would run a mile from this.

[TheMooch]

I have a friend similar to this. Known her since primary school.
I've given up really because we used to make plans then at the last moment he'd be involved in the plans

Last straw for me was us going to a gig and meeting up in a city neither of us live in.. She's full of "hotel stay, lunch before gig, drinks after gig etc" . It was going to be a real girls weekend.


Then I found out he was also staying with her at the hotel and they'd be going out for a meal etc. I was there to go to the gig with her only. Or I could tag along "If I wanted to".

I've had to accept that this will never change, I think she's brilliant but I have distanced myself from them.