Friend's husband always tags along

[Seaswimmer123]

My best friend lives in another city so we meet up every few months. The problem is her husband always comes with her if she comes to visit me for the weekend, or if I visit her and we go out for dinner, he'll come along too. I'm single so it's not like it's a couple's night out and to be honest it feels sometimes like he's eavesdropping on us. It used to be that if I visited her he might only come along on the night out with us, but now he'll sit with us when we're in her kitchen having coffee and he's even come shopping with us, walking behind us around the rails. Because I don't see her that often we've a lot to catch up on when we do meet, but there are some things I don't feel comfortable talking about in front of him, I did confide in her about something via email and she repeated it back to me in front of him the next time we met. It's feels a bit odd, and its affecting my friendship with my oldest friend. She even told me recently that they feel it's a pity I'm not married so that he'd have someone to talk to when we go out, which made me feel that I'm not enough for the friendship on my own. Am I right to think this is an odd situation and has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[Luckytattie]

Well you need to tell her

[Thesearmsofmine]

I had a friend like this and it turned out he was a nasty fucker, look out for your friend OP, be there for her.

[porites]

Next time you're alone together (ladies loos perhaps?!) I'd just say you hope she is happy but if she ever needs anything she can call you/turn up anytime.

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

I had a friend like this.

His case wasn't controlling, it turned out they had a struggling marriage (intimacy) and it was a desperate attempt to 'keep connected'.

Was still bizarre and annoying.

[Gonnagetgoing]

Odd situation and a bit controlling yes.

I had this with a close friend a few years back. Got a nice new boyfriend but he seemed to be everywhere with her, whenever we met up and it was a bit tricky if I wanted to talk about personal stuff with him there. I don't think he was controlling and I didn't know what to say, in case she wanted him there, but I did wonder, why aren't you (the BF) doing your own thing?! He had moved down to London from Yorkshire for work etc when he met her though so I think he had no/few friends here.

You could ask her as @Luckytattie says WHY does he have to come to everything but she might want him to do this or she might be being controlled so will find it hard to say why, get him not to tag along.

[turnabouttime]

Have you tried just straight up asking her why she can't see you alone and even explain your concerns.

[Crunchymum]

The phone message is very odd and sadly points to him being controlling.

How long have they been together? Does he have his own family / friends / interests?

Does she work outside of the house? Does she do anything that you can think of without him?

[lanthanum]

It might be revealing to take the line of saying direct to him "You know Peter, it can be hard for me to go out for coffee with you as a couple - it rubs it in that I'm still single, and so I don't really enjoy myself. Perhaps next time you wouldn't mind staying at home so I can relax better."
If you make it all about you, you might find out whether he's just keen for the company or unwilling to let his wife out of sight.

[Seaswimmer123]

Thanks for all the replies, even reading back what I've written, it is odd, there's no doubt about it. They're visiting this weekend so we'll see how it goes, but I do feel it might be time to re-evaluate the friendship.

[Ragwort]

I've got a friend like this ... it's very odd .... I always visit/meet her on my own - my DH doesn't have any interest in meeting her ... but 9/10 times her DH tags along, it's very odd. She treated me to a Spa Day for my birthday- a lovely treat ... but her DH came to that as well .

[Seaswimmer123]

She works with him too, neither of them seem to have their own interests, maybe they're just really close and enjoy doing everything together.

[ImUninsultable]

She is your friend. Can you not just say, "look, I'm getting a bit fed up with him following along know everything we do. I just want to spend time with my friend, you. I want to be able to talk about things without an audience. Can we go out for a girls night?"

If she says no then pull back on the friendship because it isnt working for you. Maybe let her know you'll be there for her if she decides it's time to break free from him a little.

[Seaswimmer123]

Oh my, that's weird, going with you to a spa day.....

[HalfShrunkMoreToGo]

@notacooldad

I had a friend like this. He wasnt controlling or anything. In fact he is a nice bloke. It was ( now estranged) friend inviting him everywhere.

I invited her to my house for lunch and she turned up with him which was unexpected. (after I had kicked DH and son out for the afternoon so I could have a catch up with her!🤣)
I made a group invite to 11 of my female friends for a curry night and she replied early on saying they would both love to come. Once my other friends replied she realised it was all women going she cancelled. At first I thought it may have been controlling but when he is out with his mates she is the only wife/ gf there- every single time.
I don't know if they are co dependent on each other or cant bear to be out of each others sight but at 56 years old I would have thought they would be passed the infatuation stage by now.🤣
Anyway it got wearing with him being there all the time and my other female didnt like it either so the friendship drifted.

I was thinking of this possibility too. Lots of assumption on this thread that he is the controlling/needy one on this thread but it's entirely possible they have decided together they want to both go or that she is insisting he attend.

Best thing would be to clearly say that you would prefer just you and her meet and suggest he stay home then see what she says.

[Seaswimmer123]

I think I'm afraid of saying that as I've no doubt she'd end our friendship if he can't be included. I've felt it's something that I have to accept as part of our friendship but am now wondering if it's worth it 🙁

[Chamomileteaplease]

It sounds awful! When is it that you suggest the meetings that would only be for the two of you? Because if it is by email, then he probably reads all her email correspondence so she would have to say no. .

I really think you need to think of somewhere where this awful man really cannot access - even if it is some public toilets when you are out. I hope other people can think of something else, as it sounds as though even a spa day wouldn't do it.

Personally I would lay my cards on the table. I would tell her that I am extremely worried about her and how she doesn't appear to have any life of her own. But I would also say that the friendship just isn't working for you anymore as you do not want to be friends with this man! You want a normal conversation with a girlfriend!

Try and get through to her. With any luck and support she will think this through.

Does she go to work and get away from him there?

[Sazto]

In honesty, this sounds slightly like my relationship (not the phone part) and it's nothing to do with control or dependency on my DP behalf. A lot of the time I do ask my DP to come along but mainly because he doesn't have a lot of male friends in the area and i feel a bit guilty going out and leaving him. I always make sure I do occasional girls only days out so it's not completely the same as this situation. Maybe it's the same for your friend, maybe the husband doesn't have a social circle and she feels guilty that he will be bored whilst she is out? Just my observation.

If my friends felt that way, I wish they'd just say something about it. I'd not be offended. Maybe you could specify next time that you need some girl time?

[Mrsjayy]

I had a friend like this she took her husband everywhere he didn't seem controlling he was nice enough but they" just didn't read the room" they moved away so I've not seen them in years they stillseem to go everywhere together

. I'd probably spell it out to your friend that you would love a womens only catch up see how that goes.

[candycane222]

The phone thing, losing toch with other friends, and refusing suggestions of girls-only stuff is all 🚩🚩🚩 I'd say. Id struggle to want to see her with Mr Third Wheel ever-present, I must say. And obviously you can't message her about any of this ad hes reading her messages (and she may still be of the mind that this is all because they have a Great Love , and not a problem...)

On (lame) suggestion I can come up with is to go clothes shopping (in a shop that has old fashioned single sex changing rooms!) and get her to come in with you to "help with the zips" and quickly tell her you wish you could do things just the two of you (make up an embarrassing gynae issue maybe?) And let her know it's a bit awkward for YOU. That way you are not challenging the status quo and making her defensive, but you might just get her to open up a bit.

Ridiculous suggestions , but be assured, this is a ridiculous situation, and potentially not in a good way.

[midsomermurderess]

I know a couple who are virtually inseparable, it's definitely not a control thing. She sees not to want to be an adult so relies on him to drive her everywhere, book holidays, get the plumber. If she doesn't get her way, she gets quite foot stampy. Just to say that there are alternatives to this being controlling. Some couples just have what to others seems like an odd relationship. If find the couple I know creepy.

[Pinkdelight3]

It is so odd. I'd have to ask her (not in front on him so prob on phone) why she won't see me 1:1. I'd definitely mention the thing you told her that she repeated in front of him making you uncomfortable as an example of why it's better to see each other alone sometimes. It's definitely not you being weird or unreasonable so don't be made to feel like the awkward one here. If there is anything darker going on with them, it can only help in the longer term to help her realise it's not okay, even if she might initially get defensive. As a true friend, you can't just go along with this and add to his power.

[Gilda152]

I think it's a wild assumption that he's controlling by some posters. She may well want to read his messages too, which speak to them both being on the same page on that (healthy or unhealthy is not the debate here). She loves having her husband around and it sounds like they are just one of those couples who live and breath being together. My brother and sister in law are very much like this - they are still stupidly in love after 30+ years and have a lovely relationship - you just don't get one without the other. I am very independent of my DH (we don't even live together!) and I'm sure lots of people find that odd but it works for us and this works for them.

I think you might have to have a direct word with him and her together and see how it goes and it that doesnt work, then accept they come as a package or let the friendship fade away, unfortunately.

[UnsuitableHat]

I’m single OP and know exactly what you mean: you’d sometimes just rather be with your friend catching up 1:1. I don’t know if it’s always a controlling thing - sometimes I think it’s just that they don’t do much separately and that’s their modus operandi. I’d probably try to accommodate it on the whole, but would be annoyed by friend repeating a confidence in front of her partner, and might say something to her about that - or just don’t tell her anything you wouldn’t want him to know.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

I think you need to step back and let her get on with it. Whilst accepting the issue you are approving of it.

She won’t change anything as she currently has you as an out - but she needs to realtor it’s not normal.

I’d cancel this weekend!! Message her and say you were looking forward to seeing her, but you can’t accommodate them both this weekend. No need to explain.

[endofagain]

Your post about her reading the message in front of him is a huge red flag.