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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Some people have a chip on their shoulder so big..

62 replies

Pheasantlysurprised · 21/10/2021 19:35

Example: spent xmas a few yrs ago in our favourite holiday cottage.

On this occasion we invited a family friend who would be otherwise alone that year. We were excited and looking for to it, etc, etc.

Once there, the friend descended into a sulk, but would not discuss the reason. Everywhere we went and everything we did, they found issue with it. I bought a reduced dress in a joules sale (I know that IS unreasonable Grin) and she wouldn't enter the shop.
We did a holiday food shop at Booths and clubbed together to spoil ourselves with goodies. Everything I put in the trolley was remarked upon. Apparently fresh vegetables or anything resembling salad was 'rabbit food' and those who 'fell for it' were pretentious.

This did strain the mood a bit but laughed it off. And on it went, regarding tv choices, walks, cooking, etc, until a fairly explosive but short argument on xmas eve because I didnt want to eat prawns (don't like them). It resolved quickly thankfully.

BUT the big thing that made me post after recalling it was the day we left the cottage. Our friend had the most lovely, largest room with an open fire and gorgeous furnishings. She complained when we ran the hoover round to check we'd left it clean. When we asked why she said "the owners are rich bastards and couldn't give a toss about the likes of us so they can sod off"
The 'likes of us' are just regular folk, I think.

She actually went into her room prior to us leaving and threw the covers off the bed and the cushions across the floor to 'teach them a thing or two'. Perhaps she didn't realise only the poor fucking cleaner would have to deal with it.

BTW the owner wasn't rich, just comfortable. We knew her. It all felt incredibly sour and is a mindset I can't relate to. We still see friend but are careful not to get her onto any such topic!

Is this what is commonly referred to as a 'chip'?
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pheasantlysurprised · 21/10/2021 22:48

@DeborahAnnabel

There are a huge amount of people with chips on mumsnet. There are plenty of people who are “wealthy” and I use the term very loosely, who ask for advice about pensions or large mortgages or the benefits over 4 star vs 5 star hotels and some people give them such a hard time. Unless you have earn minimum wage and have a deadbeat ex, you have no right to say anything that might someone else’s chip grow bigger. Threads like that should come with a disclaimer*: those in need of ketchup should not enter this thread
I get you.
OP posts:
Original poster
Pheasantlysurprised · 21/10/2021 22:52

I feel awful but the cunt thing is relevant. she is also a very liberal, decent person with warmth. I think we are all a mixture of fuck-up-ery, aren't we?
weirdly sometimes there's a racism thing, like how it puts pressure on the nhs (uuurrrrgh), but she is a labour voter and seemingly ok. it shows that there are so many nuances in this life. It might also be a class thing, dare I say it, she is successful and well off but very closed minded.

I just want to retire to animal farm al la the kinks and never have to worry.

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 21/10/2021 22:55

That's not a chip.
Just a bitter person with a nasty personality.

Would get rid of this "friend"
You were so loveley to invite her and she repayed you by acting the way she did.

Thanks no thanks

Iampicklerick · 21/10/2021 23:02

My mum is like this and it’s why I am NC. She was an alcoholic during my childhood and regularly emotionally abused us after my dad died.

Her current issues are;

  • I have too much money and I work when I don’t “have to”. I don’t technically have to but we would be scraping the barrel if I didn’t.
  • I have too many friends.
  • I think she eats too much. (I don’t give a fuck what she eats).
  • I have lost too much weight.
  • I love myself too much (someone has to, mum, you don’t)
  • I can’t be upset about my life changing neurological condition because she also has an illness and she has to struggle daily so I should count myself lucky.
  • I allow my DH to wash up and see to the kids, I should be doing this.
  • I only talk to her because I want my inheritance (which is insane because I am not even talking to her)
  • If I am unhappy with anything at all I am ungrateful and moaning because I should take what scraps I can get of completely standard things.

It’s draining. And it’s not your problem. It’s theirs. Cut that friend out, she probably hates you too x

ThinWomansBrain · 21/10/2021 23:03

Few years ago - forget it, minimise contact, don't go away with her again.
Hope it didn't put you off going back to the cottage.

It doesn't excuse her apalling behaviour in any way - but if she lives alone maybe she found being with people 24/7 difficult?

Ilady · 22/10/2021 01:12

You were decent to invite to a nice house rental for Christmas. She sits there with a sour expression on her face and complains about the food you were buying. She then leaves her room in a mess because the house owners are just rich. She is a horrible individual in so many ways. I hope you realised this and are giving her a wide berth.

Neonplant · 22/10/2021 01:46

Sounds like you need to learn a bit about class politics. She does sound like a bit of a nightmare and took thing too far, but her belief isn't wrong. But honestly by buying into this whole chip on the shoulder bs you're playing right into the idea that we should admire the rich (if you have second property you're rich). And people who have a problem with inequality are just bitter, rather than believing in any kind of social justice. Classic divide and conquer.

Original poster
Pheasantlysurprised · 22/10/2021 02:28

@Neonplant

Sounds like you need to learn a bit about class politics. She does sound like a bit of a nightmare and took thing too far, but her belief isn't wrong. But honestly by buying into this whole chip on the shoulder bs you're playing right into the idea that we should admire the rich (if you have second property you're rich). And people who have a problem with inequality are just bitter, rather than believing in any kind of social justice. Classic divide and conquer.
er, I don't admire anyone, rich or poor. I also don't think the answer to class inequality is aggression towards the (probably underpaid) staff who have to deal with it. I have no idea how you came to that conclusion as a result of my post.

What's your solution? off with their heads? Is it healthy to avoid going into a shop because you associate it with MC? or frowning upon fresh food because of some unholy terror of insulting your roots?

This has less to do with class than it has to do with ignorance.

OP posts:
Dita73 · 22/10/2021 05:39

She sounds like a complete arsehole and YANBU to buy a dress! If you want a dress then buy it,sod what anyone else thinks

Catflapkitkat · 22/10/2021 06:15

I agree with stoneofdestiny now you know why she is alone at Christmas. She sounds like a real moodkill. One of those sulkers that drags everything down. But above that she rude and ungrateful.

As for messing up the room to teach second home owners a lesson, seriously how is a few cushions on the floor going to tap into someone's conscience. If she felt that strongly about it - she should have declined your offer politely.

I would steer clear of that one OP

overnightangel · 22/10/2021 06:21

@Neonplant

Sounds like you need to learn a bit about class politics. She does sound like a bit of a nightmare and took thing too far, but her belief isn't wrong. But honestly by buying into this whole chip on the shoulder bs you're playing right into the idea that we should admire the rich (if you have second property you're rich). And people who have a problem with inequality are just bitter, rather than believing in any kind of social justice. Classic divide and conquer.
Patronising 6th former alert 😂 🥱
chocolateorangeinhaler · 22/10/2021 06:54

It's a friendship that's run its course. Chalk it down to experience and walk away.

Many a friendship has ended when spending more than a few hours with said friend. Think of all the friends that go on holiday for a week of sun and come back never speaking to each other ever again.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/10/2021 06:56

Tedious rude behaviour. No manners at all.

goteam · 22/10/2021 07:08

Omg she is racist too. Is that what you mean about her saying about putting pressure on the NHS or have I missed something.

She sounds bitter, nasty, joyless and draining. I would avoid her.

AnxiousPixie · 22/10/2021 07:36

Just made me wonder whether there was another, more deep-seated, issue with Christmas.

We have a family member that turns a bit like this every Christmas, but it's a reflection that she is trying to deal with something nasty that happened at that time of year.

Just the fact you mentioned she isn't anything like it when at home. 🤷

FinallyFluid · 22/10/2021 07:50

Two fried eggs to go with the chips. Grin

Lonelymum21 · 22/10/2021 07:56

Lol at throwing pillows on the floor to 'show them a thing or two!' Should we ever decide to eat the rich I hope your friend isn't leading the revolution.

Roselilly36 · 22/10/2021 08:07

Jealousy, most definitely.

honeylulu · 22/10/2021 08:16

Yes I think it is a "chip" situation. It has also happened with my family on a holiday (I was in my teens at the time).

Family friend of longstanding, single and lived alone. Was close to my mum, they probably considered themselves best friends. One year we were going on a UK holiday and mum suggested we invite her along, that it would be kind/nice for her to join us. I have to say the rest of us were a bit wary but the plan went ahead.

It was bloody awful, she was bossy or sulky/sarcastic a lot of the time, criticised everything and kept "telling us off". She was supposed to have a downstairs bedroom (a single) but was difficult and tried to insist she had an upstairs bedroom (a twin) that me and my sister were supposed to be sharing then flounced when my parents said no to her. She also "went missing" one day for hours and my parents got quite panicked. When she turned up she said she had wanted some time to herself which was fine, but she hadn't said anything before she left!

I think what was behind it was that she wanted my mum to herself and resented the fact that mum's husband and children were there (mum and family friend had had a couple of short holidays before, just the two of them). My sister and I had seen this dynamic before when she came to stay at our house - she would act like our presence was an irritation and send us out of the room etc. We were good kids by the way, not noisy or bratty. She was a headmistress and acted like one all the time! We had quite a busy bustling household and I think my parents had managed to miss or gloss over this, but once we were all on holiday in a cottage together it was very obvious.

Anyway that was the last/only holiday she was invited on with us. It was a shame because her attitude not only spoilt it for us, but she didn't seem to enjoy it either.

Hopeisallineed · 22/10/2021 08:27

Why are so many women calling this women ‘a cunt’? So extreme and also such a misogynistic slur. Really wish it wasn’t used at all.

honeygriff · 22/10/2021 08:41

I helped my very good friend do a holiday cottage clean as she was short staffed. It was proper graft, they'd broken just about everything including the hob (disguised the crack by artfully placing a tea towel over it!). It looked like they had shaved their dog there was so much hair it was mental! I hoovered the fronts of the kitchen cupboards as they were covered in hair! The owners were contacted by phone but we grafted & turned it around. My friend said she would have cried if she had been on her own! How can your friend be so blinkered that she can't see she's just upsetting the cleaners? To be honest she sounds stupid and weird.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 22/10/2021 16:01

family friend who would be otherwise alone that year

I can see why she'd be alone Grin

Seriously, why anyone puts up with that behaviour is beyond me!

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2021 16:04

the thing about teaching the rich bastards a thing or two sounds like a bit of a chip on her shoulder alright

LadyJaye · 22/10/2021 16:09

How very fucking dare she be so rude to the people that extended hospitality to her in the first place, and then those who were 'expected' to clean up after her.

Arbitan · 22/10/2021 16:38

Your friend sounds like an absolute prick, to be honest. I wonder why she was on her own for Christmas.

There is a mindset in some people that anyone who has more than them in material terms somehow doesn’t deserve it, or has had it all handed to them on a plate. Quite honestly, it’s pretty pathetic.