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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does this annoy other people too?

51 replies

RainbowMamma21 · 21/10/2021 16:10

To cut a long story short. I’ve had a rainbow baby, he’s 3 months. I have a much older child also with 10 angels between. I’m protective and have very mixed emotions ect not knowing how I should feel. But recently my older child especially (and occasionally grandparents too) keeps saying “MY clever little boy” ect but my older one says it several times a day! Will also cradle him and say “MY baby’s name and pull him away this I know is playing but always with the strong “MY”
I’ve not said anything about how I feel to anyone but inside I feel like screaming and my eyes fill! I just want to scream NO HE’S MINE…
Firstly is it normal for others to state “my” when referring to someone else’s baby? And secondly does it or would it irritate you too?

OP posts:

Tittyfilarious81 · 21/10/2021 16:13

It's quite normal for other people to say my when referring to babies I lost count the amount of people who said there's my .... With both my kids

YearsSinceISawYou · 21/10/2021 16:18

I think everyone knows he is yours and no-one means to upset you.

It is hard having multiple miscarriages-I've been there myself-but everyone- knows he is your baby-they're just welcoming him and letting you and he know how very much wanted and welcome he is.

He is making everyone's life better by being here-you have given a gift to everyone.

5thnonblonde · 21/10/2021 16:20

How old is your eldest? I’d be more worried about your eldest’s feelings

JaneDoe21 · 21/10/2021 16:21

Your older children clearly doesn't mean to upset you.
Maybe you need a bit of therapy? This isn't normal OP.

Toottooot · 21/10/2021 16:21

I feel sorry for your older child. It sounds like only the new baby matters and you resent them loving their sibling.

ellyoctober · 21/10/2021 16:22

I think it's just a natural reaction from children to say My

You've had a hard time, don't be tough on yourself, just enjoy your baby.

KarmaStar · 21/10/2021 16:29

Congratulations on your rainbow baby op.🌈
I am sure it's a general term "that's my boy/girl" and doesn't indicate that the speaker intends to adopt your baby.
You've had an extremely heart sending time and this may be the cause of your fears.
Try to relax and enjoy watching the baby be loved by your family.💐

DrManhattan · 21/10/2021 16:31

The more people who love your baby the better.
I wouldn't read too much into it xxx

CoalCraft · 21/10/2021 16:36

Yes it is normal for people to say "my..." When referring to a child. "My boy", "my love", "my darling" and yes "my [name]".

It's also common for new mothers to not like this (though it never bothered me), as evidenced by the many threads on the topic.

However being so possessive that you dislike it even from your own child

hardboiledeggs · 21/10/2021 16:38

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Wouldn't bother me and seems a bit much to feel so bad about it you want to shout, especially with regards to your elder child.

CoalCraft · 21/10/2021 16:38

Sorry, posted too soon ..

Being so possessive that you dislike it even from your own older child is excessive and a bit concerning. It isn't clear how old your older child is but regardless, most parents would be thrilled to see their older child show such love to a new baby, and not feel jealous (in the old fashioned sense of the word) at all.

How is your mental health generally, OP?

SmileyClare · 21/10/2021 16:39

This wouldn't annoy me.

Your older child has a new brother. When they hold him and say he's "My Charlie (or his name)" that's not incorrect. They are their brother and "belong" to the whole family.
The older one might also be testing your reaction by doing this. Your eyes filling with tears is probably confusing for them.
Be mindful that you've had an only child for a long time and they may struggle to adapt or have some jealousy over the amount of attention you give your new baby.

You've had an awful time with a lot of baby losses. Cut yourself some slack, that must have been very traumatic. Maybe talk to your health visitor about how you're feeling x

ApolloandDaphne · 21/10/2021 16:41

It sounds like your older DC adores him which is wonderful. Please don't taint this. It is just a way of showing love and surely the more love the better? Do you react in the same way if your DP says 'my'?

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 21/10/2021 16:42

They love your baby.

They don’t actually think he’s theirs.

lynntheyresexpeople · 21/10/2021 16:43

I do this to my nieces/nephews/godchildren all the time. Obviously I'm aware they aren't my child - and absolutely no one would be trying to upset you, least of all your son.
I do think you're being really unfair on your eldest, he's bonding with his brother. I also think you may need to speak to someone as crying when your child says "my baby" is extreme. My concern is that you're reacting so strongly about it, that it will push your eldest out.

Original poster

RainbowMamma21 · 21/10/2021 16:43

Thank you all for the positive comments! As for the negative, if I thought I’d be judged for asking a simple question of if it’s normal I’d of gone into more detail that I didn’t see necessary. My older child is just as loved! Gets equal if not more attention due to being able to do more than a baby. We’re like best friends and spend loads of time together and doing things together. In no way have I or will I ever resent her! She knows exactly how much she is loved and wanted.
I probably didn’t word it great. But I personally grew up in a tough crappy family and didn’t know what love was until I had my eldest and my partner shown me the way. So maybe that’s to do with my worries, but personally when I’ve spoke about others babies like nieces nephews ect. I’ve worded it as “aren’t you a clever boy” ect. I’d never refer to someone else’s baby as “my” but obviously having no other siblings I’m not sure if it’s how it’s meant to be. Most of the time it makes me so happy and seeing them together is the most amazing feeling in the world! But I guess I worry about how my older feels and to make sure the right bond is there and to make sure older ones alright too.

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/10/2021 16:46

It's not my as in they gave birth to him, any more than when you say my you mean the baby is your actual property. it's just an expression of family bond, of love.

Be glad that your older child loves their baby sibling. Encourage that bond, don't try to stop it.

If it really upsets you then how about saying yes, X is your baby brother, isn't that lovely?

I am sorry for your losses, that's obviously what's causing you to feel like this but your baby is no less your baby if their sibling loves them and says "my baby".

Be very careful not to damage your relationship with your older child. It would be so easy to do and would be a terrible shame.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 21/10/2021 16:47

My older child refers to her siblings as “my babies”. I really like it - imo it’s easier for her to buy into the idea of sometimes needing to make sacrifices of mum and dad’s time etc if the babies aren’t mine but “hers”. (And it was also a pregnancy after - albeit just the one - quite traumatic loss.) Other people - it sort of depends on the relationship but I can’t imagine getting too caught up with this unless they are otherwise possessive.

I’m sorry for your losses OP. I think this might be a sign that a bit of therapy would help you to work through things.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2021 16:50

Feeling so strongly about your other child saying "my baby" is concerning. I think you need professional help to work through the loses you have suffered.

galacticpixels · 21/10/2021 16:51

I sometimes use this kind of phrasing with my nieces. I'm well aware they are not MY children nor do I want them to be...

I think it's sweet coming from a sibling.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 21/10/2021 16:53

My DM refers to my DDs ‘ours’. It used to annoy me but I know she does it because she loves my children just as much as I do.

SmileyClare · 21/10/2021 16:54

There's no point getting all prickly and saying you're being "judged" Op.

You asked if it's "normal" and most posters are saying it's understandable after your past trauma but it would help you to recognise that it's not very healthy to have such an emotional response to an innocent remark.

That said, It sounds as though you're making every effort to include your older daughter and make her feel loved and important.
Having a new born is an emotional time. I remember feeling annoyed about random things and crying over a car advert.

I hope you can enjoy your baby and allow the whole family to love him as part of your family.

Cuntness · 21/10/2021 16:56

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and my five year old corrects me every time I refer to "my" baby. It's his baby and only his baby.

It's sweet, I thought.

miltonj · 21/10/2021 16:57

I think it's normal for a sibling to say this.

I don't like it when my mother in law says 'my little girl' 'my child' 'my little one' but that's because I know she's competitive and has bad intentions. If you have no reason to believe these people are trying to hurt you, then I think this is a product of all you have been through, which sounds incredibly painful and hope you have people around you supporting you through what must be an overwhelming time x

GemmaRuby · 21/10/2021 17:01

When I read it I was expecting you to say that your MIL was saying my baby etc - and could understand why that would annoy you.
However I do think it’s unusual for you to be annoyed at your DD saying it. Is your DD an adult? You say she’s much older.

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