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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this annoy other people too?

51 replies

RainbowMamma21 · 21/10/2021 16:10

To cut a long story short. I’ve had a rainbow baby, he’s 3 months. I have a much older child also with 10 angels between. I’m protective and have very mixed emotions ect not knowing how I should feel. But recently my older child especially (and occasionally grandparents too) keeps saying “MY clever little boy” ect but my older one says it several times a day! Will also cradle him and say “MY baby’s name and pull him away this I know is playing but always with the strong “MY”
I’ve not said anything about how I feel to anyone but inside I feel like screaming and my eyes fill! I just want to scream NO HE’S MINE…
Firstly is it normal for others to state “my” when referring to someone else’s baby? And secondly does it or would it irritate you too?

OP posts:
Adventing · 21/10/2021 17:04

Congratulations on your new baby. He sounds like he is very much loved by lots of people.

Helendee · 21/10/2021 17:05

I’m sorry but babies belong to no one, not even their parents. We have responsibilities and are their custodians through childhood but we never own them.
Your baby is part of a family and sounds very well loved but no one can claim possession of him however you are the most important person in his life.

AspCommie · 21/10/2021 17:06

I call every cat I meet "my" good boy/girl/unit/fluffybum/beastie.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 21/10/2021 17:10

@Helendee

I’m sorry but babies belong to no one, not even their parents. We have responsibilities and are their custodians through childhood but we never own them. Your baby is part of a family and sounds very well loved but no one can claim possession of him however you are the most important person in his life.
Bit dramatic, nobody is trying to claim possession of him!
Rosesareyellow · 21/10/2021 17:18

I think it’s a normal and very loving and affectionate thing to say personally. I think you are taking it the wrong way. I mean it would be a weird thing to say for some - a friend maybe, but close family like siblings and grandparents, even aunts and uncles I think it’s nice.

Original poster
RainbowMamma21 · 21/10/2021 17:20

@GemmaRuby She’s 19

OP posts:
2Two · 21/10/2021 17:26

I think it's lovely that your daughter refers to her brother as "my", they'll have a great relationship.

BlueMountainHusky · 21/10/2021 17:26

I think you might need to talk to someone in a professional capacity.
You say that you have mixed emotions.
I am not trying to be horrible but that's putting it lightly.
You have suffered an awful lot of loss and heartache, that's obvious, but I think you might have been damaged even more than you think and need some help to work through it.

You have tried for such a long time, probably holding your breath so often that now you have reached your desired outcome, you are experiencing a rush of buried emotions that you had no time to deal with previously. It happens a lot when people suffer traumatic situations, that they become overwhelmed when they breathe that sigh of relief. Not sure I explained that well but hopefully you get me.

Congratulations on your newest family member.
Don't let these feelings fester and ruin your happiness.
Remember, you're a good mum and you'll get through this.
Best of luck to you.

Cheeseplantboots · 21/10/2021 17:31

I’m confused. Is it your older child saying it to their sibling or the grandparent. If the older child then I think that’s lovely!

SmileyClare · 21/10/2021 17:38

It will be a different sibling relationship if your daughter is 19.

I'm 14 years older than my youngest sister and I definitely mother her a bit and always loved playing "mum" when she was a baby. We have a fantastic relationship and my mum loved that I was such a help when she was little. I often baby sat to give her a break.

Try to embrace this lovely bond your daughter feels.

I suppose your feelings are you subconsciously feeling frightened of losing a baby after your trauma? It's ok to feel mixed emotions.
Perhaps you could talk to your partner about it or the grandparents if you're close?

SpidersAreShitheads · 21/10/2021 18:02

My DM used to be a bit competitive/clingy over people - specifically my dad (they were divorced!) and the DC.

I had some trauma-based emotional difficulties but I found it helpful to remind myself that a) it’s not a competition b) love isn’t diluted by being shared and c) no matter what anyone says or does, they will always be my DC, and nothing can change that.

Those thoughts really helped me to disengage from jealousy/negativity. I know your situation is different but it’s the same principle - nothing will ever change the fact it is your baby. Nothing.

Having said that, having such a strong reaction when it’s your own child making the comment is pretty extreme. I think you know your reaction isn’t healthy, even if it’s understandable. To prevent any issues as your baby grows up and gets older, I’d have some counselling now.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/10/2021 18:07

It's normal for people to say 'my'

You are overreacting- particularly in the case if your older child.

I understand why you feel this way. But it's still overreacting.

Try to look at it as being great that other family members welcome and love your child so much.

5thnonblonde · 21/10/2021 18:14

If she’s 19 just tell her it’s bugging you then Smile I thought you were resenting like, a 10yo which is a bit different! Ignore everyone else and if you’re tight with your DD just tell her you don’t like it, I’m sure she won’t mind and is old enough to understand

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 21/10/2021 18:16

@5thnonblonde

If she’s 19 just tell her it’s bugging you then Smile I thought you were resenting like, a 10yo which is a bit different! Ignore everyone else and if you’re tight with your DD just tell her you don’t like it, I’m sure she won’t mind and is old enough to understand
If I was the 19YO, I’d think it was pretty odd, to be honest.
Neonplant · 21/10/2021 18:19

Sorry for your losses. This reaction to others saying my is bonkers though. Their use it totally normal.

Corkit · 21/10/2021 18:19

I wonder if this is a bit like the way some step parents (me included) feel about their DSC when they have their own baby? It was totally hormone-driven in my case (and others I've known in my wider family) and faded fairly quickly, 3 months is still very early days. By the time my DD was a few months old my greatest pleasure was watching DSC and DD together and they're still very close now DSC are adults and DD is a teen. There may well be an added element of your DD 'playing mum' (as she's older than my DSC were when my DD was born) and I can see how that might grate, especially after your miscarriages but I do think the rage it makes you feel will probably fade as your hormones settle. It couldn't hurt to talk it through with someone in case it is more than that though so some counselling might be a good idea if things are no better in a few weeks time. Congrats on your baby OP Flowers

5thnonblonde · 21/10/2021 18:19

@LoveGrooveDanceParty I just think I’d be happy to accommodate my mum, especially having seen her suffer losses. Families are pretty odd, in their own ways.

catfunk · 21/10/2021 18:19

Sorry op but I think you should seek counselling if your own child is upsetting you by doing this - it's perfectly normal.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 21/10/2021 18:22

[quote 5thnonblonde]@LoveGrooveDanceParty I just think I’d be happy to accommodate my mum, especially having seen her suffer losses. Families are pretty odd, in their own ways.[/quote]
I would accommodate my Mum too, but I think it would hurt a bit. She’d effectively be telling her daughter - who clearly absolutely loves the little one - to back off.

UpshittsCreek · 21/10/2021 19:22

There is no such thing as an unreasonable feeling or emotion, only unreasonable actions. You will look back at this time and wonder why you felt so strongly so don't burn any bridges by saying anything to your DD.
I think the fact you mentioned the incredible amount of loss you have gone through means you know this has impacted how you are feeling. If it's possible it would be good to speak to someone to process it all.
I remember when my DS was born I was almost primal at times. You are feeling very protective of your baby right now which is understandable. However people saying "my" baby is not a threat to you and your baby's relationship. You are his mother and you are his whole world. It's brilliant how many people love him but nobody can take your place

Helendee · 22/10/2021 10:51

@TinnedPotatoesRock

Bit dramatic, nobody is trying to claim possession of him!

Bit of a dramatic and pedantic reply! 😏

Valeriekat · 22/10/2021 19:31

I think it is strange that you don't like your oldest child referring to her sibling as "mine". It is her sibling.
Even though you are telling us how much you love this older child I am afraid that it doesn't come across like that.

Beechview · 22/10/2021 19:40

This is your child but also has a relationship with many other people. So others can say ‘my brother’ or ‘my grandson’ and ‘my nephew’
I think this is just a way of strengthening that connection and is lovely for your baby.

pilates · 22/10/2021 19:49

I think it’s rather nice

FlatStanletta · 22/10/2021 20:11

Oh OP my heart goes out to you because it sounds like you’ve had such a tough time! I do think it might be clouding your view a bit here though.

For your DD the new baby is “hers” just in a different way to the way he is “yours”. He is her brother (presumably long awaited). The same goes for grandparents. He is their grandson, so he does “belong” to their family. I think it’s just a sign of how much they love him. They know that you are his mother, of course, but they will play an important role and have their own relationship with him too - and that’s lovely.

Just to add, I have a sibling who is much younger than me (I was a teenager when they were born too) and yes of course the relationship is different to a traditional sibling relationship. It was great and I totally fell in love when they were born perhaps because I had never been around a baby I was closely related to before. Yes, I was more maternal towards them than sisterly because of the massive age gap and I would have definitely thought of them as “mine” but not in the sense of being their mother, only as an older sister who loved them very, very much. I never thought that I was actually taking the place of our mum. It sounds like perhaps your DD Is the same?

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