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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or DH?

41 replies

overtheboarderline · 21/10/2021 14:59

This is a first world problem. And just for pretext Dh and I have not been on the same for years.

Its about Christmas presents...

DH spends ridiculous amounts at xmas, always has. Last year though when I was looking at the state of my living rooms with the piles and piles of presents open and spread out on the floor I just felt it was obscene. Plastic shit and so much packaging.

My house is over run with toys that get relegated to the toy cemetery pretty quick as DH will regulary take the kids to toy shop to pick out shite.

We cleaned out the DC bedroom and they were willing to chuck away expensive toys they had only gotten at xmas and not really played with because they hold no value to them. One of the DC has just had a birthday, they had nearly £1000 spent on them due to a party and presents. I was not happy about this. Dh will go off a buy stuff with out my knowledge so even if I say I will organise presents he will still buy what he wants. It really pisses me off as every fucking Christmas Eve he will bring presents in that he has been storing in his office to add to the ones I have already got - which he was well aware off. They literally have every thing and its at the point now where its just buying shit for the sake of it. They have iPads/laptops/cameras.

So this year I really don't want to buy them much. I have got a real bee in my bonnet over it.

In the summer we go out on our paddle board as its something the dc love, dh will not join us as anything that requires actually doing something isn't his cup of tea. So for this year I suggested that we get the kids a canoe/kayak. We live directly beside a canal which has lovely views, I've already suggested this to the kids and they were enthusiastic about it. We could do this every Sunday morning whilst its too cold to go out on the board. Its getting outside and the kids love that. I do not expect DH to do this, I will happily take them out. They could also have a few presents to open. We would get up, get the canoe sorted, get out on it, then back to the few presents and breakfast.

But apparently I'm the grinch trying to spoil the kids Christmas and controlling what he does with his money. He has no savings by the way.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 21/10/2021 15:19

Seems he has more money than sense.

Is he the type to throw money rather than spend quality time or do something?

Thehop · 21/10/2021 15:21

He’s buying himself out isn’t he? Throw presents at them but not time?

Cocomarine · 21/10/2021 15:22

Even though I hate both his wasteful buying and his lack of savings alongside it, I have to agree that you’re controlling here and it’s his money, his choice. (assuming you’re not leaving out problems with the way your household manage money)

I would cut your own spending on Xmas, and tell him that he’s in charge. And leave him to it - assuming that a sensible conversation about waste isn’t going to happen.

That aside, I’d still buy the kayak.

You don’t sound as if you like him much - maybe the next step is separate finances and the excess toys are all at daddy’s house.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/10/2021 15:23

YANBU that's ridiculous. The Kayak idea sounds great, something that there's a lot of thought put into is much more valuable imo

Original poster
overtheboarderline · 21/10/2021 15:25

Yep @ConstantlySeekingHappiness @Thehop

Doing something with dad at the weekend whilst I am work is a trip to Smiths.

I can feel its going to cause a massive row. He wants to buy them an electric scooter each which means he can stand and watch them. Neither child wants one.

OP posts:
WhatAShilohPitt · 21/10/2021 15:27

I agree with you. It’s a bit stupid to buy thousands of pounds of gifts for children while having so savings at all. He needs to make himself financially secure with savings before blowing money like it’s nothing. I also think buying children so many gifts that they don’t even play with them isn’t setting a particularly good example of how to value monetary things.

Some people show love through buying gifts and it sounds like that’s what he’s doing: associating the idea that the more material things he gives to them, the better that is for them. Did he have money struggles as a child or a parent who was absent a lot?

Original poster
overtheboarderline · 21/10/2021 15:28

@Cocomarine

Even though I hate both his wasteful buying and his lack of savings alongside it, I have to agree that you’re controlling here and it’s his money, his choice. (assuming you’re not leaving out problems with the way your household manage money)

I would cut your own spending on Xmas, and tell him that he’s in charge. And leave him to it - assuming that a sensible conversation about waste isn’t going to happen.

That aside, I’d still buy the kayak.

You don’t sound as if you like him much - maybe the next step is separate finances and the excess toys are all at daddy’s house.

I let him 'be in charge' for my dc 5th birthday which resulted in nearly a £1000 cost.

And yes, toys at daddy's house has crossed my mind.

OP posts:
WhatAShilohPitt · 21/10/2021 15:30

Why on earth is he buying them scooters that they don’t want? Have you asked him who is trying to impress here or what he’s trying to achieve by buying things that aren’t appreciated and get shoved in a shed? I wouldn’t like his materialism much, either. There’s clearly some imaginary problem that he thinks he can eliminate with presents.

TumtumTree · 21/10/2021 15:31

Oh OP this would drive me insane. The waste of it! And and a canoe sounds like a fab present.

But I guess yes strictly speaking it's up to him what he does with his money. So you have separate finances and don't subsidise him at all?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/10/2021 15:34

Its shit, he is not compromising at all. It's not just about how he spends his money - 1. If you're married it's technically half your money and 2. Ita about how you raise your kids and the values that you are instilling in them. It's not setting them up with good habits or values for the future - spending a load of money on stuff you dont need and then chucking it. Why would he want to do this if they dont even want the stuff in the first place? It's for him, not them. At the moment he is doing it all his way and not taking your views into account at all.

If he wants to spend all his money on the kids cant he set up a savings account for them and put the money he would have put in eg 500 quid on presents, in that? They might not appreciate the presents but they might appreciate going travelling, or not having to get a job while they study, or something towards a house deposit, when they are older.

Original poster
overtheboarderline · 21/10/2021 15:34

@TumtumTree

Oh OP this would drive me insane. The waste of it! And and a canoe sounds like a fab present.

But I guess yes strictly speaking it's up to him what he does with his money. So you have separate finances and don't subsidise him at all?

No I don't subsidise him, he actually earns a very good wage but is a terrible saver. So he will contribute to bills ect then spend what he has.
OP posts:
Brollywasntneededafterall · 21/10/2021 15:34

Whenever dh buys himself something tell him to take it back. He needs to be saving. When dc are 18 /21 they are going to be expecting a car or house deposit...

DriftingBlue · 21/10/2021 15:36

There are a mix of issues here
What your family can afford
What the kids are actually interested in getting as gifts
What each of you needs for Christmas to feel special

Budget is a huge one and it’s so complex I’m not even going to touch it. You know the drill. You two need to get on the same page.

Listening to the kids, it’s not entirely clear that either one of you is doing that, though you may be. It’s important to make sure that your push for a group present and simplicity isn’t overriding their personal desires.

The magic of Christmas, I have a feeling this is where you are losing the discussion. There is a reason your husband is going overboard. It may be because he didn’t have a lot growing up and now wants to spoil his kids. It may be because it gives him a rush of excitement to see the piles of presents. Instead of simply arguing against what he is doing, I would look at his underlying motivation first. Once you identify that, is there a way he could channel that energy and get that joy that would not cause you stress or that you might even love?

Cocomarine · 21/10/2021 15:37

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Whenever dh buys himself something tell him to take it back. He needs to be saving. When dc are 18 /21 they are going to be expecting a car or house deposit...
Well I wouldn’t want to bring my kids up “expecting” that! And it’s far from the norm in my social circle to be buying cars at 18 or giving house deposits, but… MN 🤷🏻‍♀️

If my husband told me to take back what I’d spent my own money, after covering household bills, I’d tell him to piss off.

I’m totally on OP’s side here - she could be married to my XH! But I’m laughing at the idea that he can just be told to take things back.

Original poster
overtheboarderline · 21/10/2021 15:39

@WhatAShilohPitt

Why on earth is he buying them scooters that they don’t want? Have you asked him who is trying to impress here or what he’s trying to achieve by buying things that aren’t appreciated and get shoved in a shed? I wouldn’t like his materialism much, either. There’s clearly some imaginary problem that he thinks he can eliminate with presents.
I honestly think its because he is stuck at the maturity level of a ten year old and these are things he would want. Last year it was a electric go cart.
OP posts:
Ellextra · 21/10/2021 15:40

Um.. do you give the kids separate gifts? Not from both of you?

Sorry that's weird (unless there are step children involved?)

If you're married it's family money and you should agree on how to spend it.

Cocomarine · 21/10/2021 15:42

What I would do, OP, is get your kids used to the idea of selling things on - and that money going into a savings account. As well as getting them into a saving mindset, you can use second hand sales as a reason to check price new. It does help to show how much money is wasted when you take a £250 item you’ve barely touched and find you the even get £100 for it. That may stick with them - and it’ll also teach them that they can save money buying second hand too.

If you can’t change your husband - work with what you’ve got.

Cocomarine · 21/10/2021 15:44

@Ellextra

Um.. do you give the kids separate gifts? Not from both of you?

Sorry that's weird (unless there are step children involved?)

If you're married it's family money and you should agree on how to spend it.

They’re not giving them separately, just buying separately.

You say they should agree on how to spend the money. Sounds good. How’s OP going to make that happen?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/10/2021 15:44

Would he go for the idea of him saving his money for the DC's future? Or it is having loads a presents to open? Sounds like he's compensating for something

Ellextra · 21/10/2021 15:46

@Cocomarine
Good question, I'm just surprised married people have such separate finances!

girlmom21 · 21/10/2021 15:47

Could you suggest he buys a family Merlin pass or something similar instead?

They're a decent amount of money but would mean you can all get out together, like you and the kids want, but can fulfil his Peter Pan moments with rollercoasters and the like.

MamsellMarie · 21/10/2021 15:47

I would be siphoning off my money into something he can't touch - for your and DCs future.
I would also get the kids into selling their stuff (though as they don't want for anything they might not be bothered) but they could put the scooters up for sale in the spring and have some cash to save.

My DH does this buys stuff people don't want but I presume makes him feel good.
I think he lacks empathy. I don't know why he does it - he also buys himself eg Rolex's for why I have no idea and our shed is full of expensive gadgets.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/10/2021 16:21

You aren't wrong, but he isn't either. It's just a parenting difference. You have to work out a compromise.

I think you are a bit unreasonable to speak so distainfully about your partner and the way he parents.

Joystir59 · 21/10/2021 16:48

We remember experience not things. You have sound ideas OP. Your DH sounds incapable of engaging with his children in a meaningful way, choosing instead to spoil them materially.

SammyScrounge · 21/10/2021 17:06

My own husband was a bit like that. He didn't have much of a childhood and he loved to lay it on thick for our children's Christmas. He was happy, really happy, that he was making Christmas wonderful. It's not something to complain about.