Is it me or DH?

[overtheboarderline]

This is a first world problem. And just for pretext Dh and I have not been on the same for years.

Its about Christmas presents...

DH spends ridiculous amounts at xmas, always has. Last year though when I was looking at the state of my living rooms with the piles and piles of presents open and spread out on the floor I just felt it was obscene. Plastic shit and so much packaging.

My house is over run with toys that get relegated to the toy cemetery pretty quick as DH will regulary take the kids to toy shop to pick out shite.

We cleaned out the DC bedroom and they were willing to chuck away expensive toys they had only gotten at xmas and not really played with because they hold no value to them. One of the DC has just had a birthday, they had nearly £1000 spent on them due to a party and presents. I was not happy about this. Dh will go off a buy stuff with out my knowledge so even if I say I will organise presents he will still buy what he wants. It really pisses me off as every fucking Christmas Eve he will bring presents in that he has been storing in his office to add to the ones I have already got - which he was well aware off. They literally have every thing and its at the point now where its just buying shit for the sake of it. They have iPads/laptops/cameras.

So this year I really don't want to buy them much. I have got a real bee in my bonnet over it.

In the summer we go out on our paddle board as its something the dc love, dh will not join us as anything that requires actually doing something isn't his cup of tea. So for this year I suggested that we get the kids a canoe/kayak. We live directly beside a canal which has lovely views, I've already suggested this to the kids and they were enthusiastic about it. We could do this every Sunday morning whilst its too cold to go out on the board. Its getting outside and the kids love that. I do not expect DH to do this, I will happily take them out. They could also have a few presents to open. We would get up, get the canoe sorted, get out on it, then back to the few presents and breakfast.

But apparently I'm the grinch trying to spoil the kids Christmas and controlling what he does with his money. He has no savings by the way.

AIBU?

It seems like he earns enough to do it; you’re just on different pages about spending money and stuff

Have you always had such different values?

@Ellextra

Um.. do you give the kids separate gifts? Not from both of you?

Sorry that's weird (unless there are step children involved?)

If you're married it's family money and you should agree on how to spend it.

No the gifts are off us both

@Cocomarine

What I would do, OP, is get your kids used to the idea of selling things on - and that money going into a savings account. As well as getting them into a saving mindset, you can use second hand sales as a reason to check price new. It does help to show how much money is wasted when you take a £250 item you’ve barely touched and find you the even get £100 for it. That may stick with them - and it’ll also teach them that they can save money buying second hand too.

If you can’t change your husband - work with what you’ve got.

This is a good idea!

@Joystir59

We remember experience not things. You have sound ideas OP. Your DH sounds incapable of engaging with his children in a meaningful way, choosing instead to spoil them materially.

They are spoilt. They are great kids but have no idea what anything is worth as its so disposable.

@Shoxfordian

It seems like he earns enough to do it; you’re just on different pages about spending money and stuff

Have you always had such different values?

No I think think I have just outgrown him tbh.

I think as the kids have gotten older the sheer volume and expense has just morphed in to (to me) something obscene.

I do work with a local food bank so I see the difference - he doesnt and thinks I am being miserly or the grinch. Which I am not, I love Christmas too I just don't see why we have to spend so much.

We have separate finances because he is actually a very generous man (idiot)and wouldn't think twice about 'lending' his mother/father/brother £500/£1000 with out discussing it first with me.

It works for us

I'd ask him why he is burdening his family like this.
And it is a burden. Overwhelming his kids with stuff they don't want because of his own emotional problems is burdening them.
Inevitably when he has to rely on you to prop him up in the event of emergency or old age because he has failed to make proper plans, he will be a burden to you.
He needs to stop it.

@Youseethethingis

I'd ask him why he is burdening his family like this. And it is a burden. Overwhelming his kids with stuff they don't want because of his own emotional problems is burdening them. Inevitably when he has to rely on you to prop him up in the event of emergency or old age because he has failed to make proper plans, he will be a burden to you. He needs to stop it.

This.

Also is he aware electric scooters can only legally be ridden on private land? Police can seize them if they are used in any public places.

Good that he makes appropriate contributions to bills and running of the house, but if he saves nothing at all, how will he cope come retirement age? Will you feel guilted into sharing the savings pot that you have been sensible enough to build up.
Maybe all money is family money in some households, but when one person’s money is being frittered away during their earning days, it then falls to the “saver” of the household to subsidise the shortfall come any unexpected big expense, and/or inevitably, retirement needs… if you are ok with that, that’s fine.
He is not doing your children any favours at all, what if they take this attitude he’s teaching them into their adult life?
Unfortunately you can’t make anyone save any of their income after bills, but as one pp said, you can build a pot yourself that maybe will save your sanity one day.
Maybe he did have a deprived childhood, but if this is his way of “compensating”, he is indirectly being as unfair to his children with what he is doing.
I wish you luck (and happiness) in how you plan your future.

It doesn’t sound as though you have much respect for him; maybe you should think about whether this is what you want

I’d have to ask him very bluntly who he was buying for - himself or the kids.

There’s nothing generous in buying someone something you want and expecting them to be grateful

If he has no savings, how's that going to work when you both retire - are you expected to provide for him?

You sound controlling, I’m afraid. Sounds like you think only you have good ideas for presents.

@Throckmorton

If he has no savings, how's that going to work when you both retire - are you expected to provide for him?

Most people have pensions these days

Not judging by the recent pension threads they don't!

Could you direct him to experiences rather than gifts? Mine are much younger and they have already realised that they don't really need that much stuff so we have agreed that we will give experience vouchers etc and as a result they have had animal encounters, tried indoor skydiving, young drivers courses, trapeezing and all kinds of stuff. Might that work for your kids?