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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this interfering?

40 replies

Passthebrownsauce · 21/10/2021 11:57

Mil's..... they say they are not interfering, but they really are!!!
I have lots of examples, but AIBU about this particular event:
I had my second baby a month ago and stayed in hospital for the usual 3 days (am not in UK), so sil babysat my 2 year old whilst my husband came to visit me. My mil took it upon herself to buy a pot plant for us to give to sil to say thank you (and to not say that she bought it)!! I was angry with her as she hadn't discussed it with us first, and also because we are not 5 years old!! Am I horrible for getting angry as I do understand she was trying to help? 😬
AIBU or AINBU for getting angry with the mil?

OP posts:
CocaColaTruck1 · 21/10/2021 11:59

I think she was just doing you a favour after just giving birth and being in hospital.

Dojacatpaws · 21/10/2021 12:00

It is interfering but not worth getting worried about, let the meddlers meddle if it doesn't affect you too much

NotLikeTheOthers · 21/10/2021 12:00

YANBU if she's got form for this. I'd be annoyed too. I would also buy the SIL something much nicer and say THIS is from us, not that pot plant!

SeasonalNamechange · 21/10/2021 12:01

Oh ffs!!! Can a mil EVER do the right thing?

Clearly trying to help.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/10/2021 12:03

Unless she has previously done things like taking your existing child out and telling everyone that she is their mother and you're the 'help' then you're this is an over-reaction. One less thing to think about imo.

Readeatcake · 21/10/2021 12:03

No I understand, my mil did this to us and presented us with a present to give to her sister from us, Infront of her sister! I being the petty kind of person I am passed this to her sister and said this is from mil. She protested and said she got it for us to give. To which I got out our own gift and said well it can't be from is as this is ours.

It is treating you like a child, I often think it's because they have been the ones to organise everything, possibly even for their adult sons.

I told my mil I don't need her to buy gifts from me or my partner, we live together so will arrange ourselves. She did take this and since then hasn't sent cards or presents from us.

Ponoka7 · 21/10/2021 12:03

She thought that she'd save you a job. Anger is an overreaction.

BurntO · 21/10/2021 12:05

It was thoughtful. Why spend life getting angry over such things

merrygoround51 · 21/10/2021 12:05

I would see that as kind and helpful
Maybe there is an insinuation that your manners aren’t quite up to scratch and you need prompting but to be honest i would just laugh it off. My mother does those type of things all the time

FredaFox · 21/10/2021 12:07

I think in the grand scheme if terrible things MIL have done this is nothing, a kind helpful gesture

If this is the worst she does I'd be over the moon!

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 21/10/2021 12:08

That would irritate me. As adults were capable of thanking another adult properly.

Cofifeefee · 21/10/2021 12:13

This would irritate me.

Also, if I was the SIL, I wouldn't expect anything for babysitting my niece/nephew.

WellLarDeDar · 21/10/2021 12:14

Did you get your SIL anything to say thank you yourself?

Clandestin · 21/10/2021 12:20

That would annoy me too, but it's my own mother who does this sort of thing -- it's as if she doesn't trust her 40something adult children to behave with suitable gratitude for favours.

ImUninsultable · 21/10/2021 12:24

I'm guessing she did it because her son/your husband had a track record of not organising stuff like that and you were in the hospital having just given birth. So she was trying to help you, and make sure her daughter got a thank you gift.... when really, she should have let her son sort it out. If he cant manage to do things like that then its probably because mummy was always doing the thinking for him.

ShirleyPhallus · 21/10/2021 12:25

Unless there is a huge backstory involving pot plants then YABU

Triffid1 · 21/10/2021 12:25

This would irritate me immensely and I generally think that MILs get a bad rap. It's not helpful at all. For a start, unless there's some backstory (eg SIL gave up 3 days of work or something), neither SIL nor I would expect a gift for helping out in a situation like this and I'd take exception to the implication that am not sufficiently grateful/appreciative.

NewlyGranny · 21/10/2021 12:31

Clandestin has hit the nail on the head. It's annoying because there's an assumption that you can't be relied on to do the right thing. Now, if she'd offered to sort a suitable gift and consulted you about what to buy, that would have been thoughtful and you could have accepted or decline politely. It's the high-handedness that annoys.

If the assumption was that gift giving is your department and DH shouldn't be expected to bother, that only makes it worse.

All you can say is, "Thanks, MiL, but in future please bear in mind we prefer to choose and give presents ourselves, so there's no need to concern yourself."

KarmaStar · 21/10/2021 12:36

Yabu.She was trying to help.You obviously don't like her.

MrsKeats · 21/10/2021 12:49

I could not get worked up about this.

dworky · 21/10/2021 12:53

Horrendously toxic woman, taking good care of your child, so giving you peace of mind and then gifting you a pot plant!

BaggyBloomers · 21/10/2021 13:05

If your MIL buying a pot plant for you to gift to your SIL is enough to make you 'angry', I would dread to think what your reaction would be if she did something really unreasonable.
I'd find this mildly irritating at the most.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 21/10/2021 13:07

Ffs she was trying to do a nice thing. Why is everything that mils do taken as interfering and unreasonable? Yes YABU. If I were your husband and you were like this with my mother you would be told to pack it in or Fuck off. In fact I wouldn't have children with or marry someone who was such a ducking snowflake and took offence at every kind gesture because they are paranoid.

JaneDoe21 · 21/10/2021 13:09

YABU. Why would you be angry? She was trying to help.
Hate to think what your like when something really makes you angry.

LagunaBubbles · 21/10/2021 13:10

Mil's..... they say they are not interfering, but they really are!!!

They are a breed all the same!