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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a mean old grinch?

41 replies

Newwifeatnumber10 · 21/10/2021 09:48

I have four nieces aged from 9 to 16. Every year I buy each of them a Christmas gift worth about £35 each and a birthday gift of similar value. Each year I become increasingly pissed off to never get so much as a thank you or a merry Christmas text from them or their parents (all my brother’s children).

I don’t have children so DB and SIL don’t buy anything. I rarely get a birthday card.

In years past I’ve carefully shopped and bought thoughtful gifts and nice cards.

AIBU to put £10 in a card for them this year?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 21/10/2021 09:50

YANBU

But I also think you should speak to your brother and say “I never receive a thank you and it’s really hurtful to me” and see what he says. I know no one on MN likes to speak to people about issues in real life Wink But this is what I’d do

DingDongDenny · 21/10/2021 09:51

I am in the same position here. We used to give them £50 and my DH suggested we take £5 off every time they don't say thank you. They are down to £30 now Grin nobody seems to have noticed

DingDongDenny · 21/10/2021 09:53

I also don't think we should have to ask them to say thank you - it's a bit meaningless if it doesn't come from them without persuasion

PurpleDaisies · 21/10/2021 09:53

Money in a card definitely sounds like a good plan.

Mamette · 21/10/2021 09:53

I would definitely stop bothering with the gifts. £10 might be slightly grinch-y though if you usually spend £35.

What about £20 gift vouchers each?

Acrackineverything · 21/10/2021 10:01

Yanbu but just be warned, your relatives may not be impressed.

I did the same for my DNs for years. Eventually I got fed up as my kids never got as much as a card from my "D"B. The first Christmas I didn't send anything, he rang me in a rage asking why I hadn't sent them anything. I still remember how I bleated at him "but you never send my kids anything" to be told thats different and I always send his kids something and how they were "so disappointed".

For this and many other reasons related to the fact he's a selfish self-absorbed twat, we are now NC.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 21/10/2021 10:07

I stopped buying for my DB and his partner and their Dc as they never bothered to get our DC or us. They would give our DC £10 each occasionally or just a Christmas card. They would happily send us a list of all the things all 7 of them wanted. When I sent them some suggestions for our DC
(nothing expensive) they didn’t bother getting them anything, but went mad when we didn’t get them what they wanted. I wouldn’t have minded if they were struggling but they have a way bigger yearly income then us. I sent a text few years back not to bother getting ours as we won’t be buying others from now on.

summercupcake · 21/10/2021 10:12

My rule with my DC was, they don't get to start using or playing with gifts from relatives until they'd written a thank you note.

Having said that, in my experience kids like a bit of extra pocket money more than another gift.

I'd mention the lack of acknowledgement or thank you's from them though, I think it's shocking and not the children's fault, it's the parents.

Anoisagusaris · 21/10/2021 10:14

That’s shit. We buy gifts for aunts who don’t have kids and buy for our kids. At the very least you should get a thank you!!

Original poster
Newwifeatnumber10 · 21/10/2021 10:19

I agree it’s the parents fault but now the eldest is 16 she should be old enough to know it’s good manners to just acknowledge the gift.
I don’t mind not getting anything gift wise it’s just the lack of manners that bugs me.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 21/10/2021 10:22

They might prefer the cash anyway. Do you hand the gifts over and they say nothing?

1987qwerty · 21/10/2021 10:23

Drop to £20 cash this year. If queried just say you'd assumed they never like the usual sort of presents as no thank yous ever received. Drop to £10 next year.

Original poster
Newwifeatnumber10 · 21/10/2021 10:24

No we live at opposite ends of the country. I usually post up or give to my parents to pass on as they see them on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
DomPom47 · 21/10/2021 10:35

It’s a lot of money to spend - and you are spending time with thinking about what to buy etc. I don’t think there’s any point speaking to your brother or sister in law - common sense and basic manners to say thank you in my opinion. I would do card and £10 cash and once again sadly don’t expect a thank you.

regthetabbycat · 21/10/2021 10:50

This really strikes a chord with me!

I was the 'childless' aunt after 3 mcs and a neonatal death. My DB and SIL only bought for the children in the family. I spent a lot on my niece for her birthdays and Christmas.

I never got so much as a bar of chocolate in return.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 21/10/2021 10:55

Absolutely . Great plan.
Send them a card with £10 or even an email with Amazon gift voucher

They're getting older anyway. You don't have to justify.

It doesn't take much to send a text to say "thanks auntie I love it"

As we open pressies, I take a photo of DCs grinning holding it up and whatsapp the photo it straight to gift giver to say thank you so much, it's so kind of you.. !! The DCs then add a little second message to say "thanks auntie Flower, it's my new favourite hat/ pencil case/ I love it, lossa love, DC"

We do that before next present is opened

I always bought my sister a big present from 'me and my DC' as she didn't have DCs herself but insisting on buying for all mine and a small pressie to me. It didn't seem fair otherwise

I'm pretty sure her present from us always cost same as or more than all her gifts together ( as I'd buy her something she was saving up for like a food mixer or speaker) and she'd spend ages and lots of thought went into her getting small bargain pressies for DCs to have lots to unwrap. Although I guess we had lots more birthdays .
She gave £5 or £10 for birthdays and Xmas and tended to leave them labelled and dates pre-written on the mantle piece if she wasn't due to see us.

I only spend £40-50 on my parents together and my sister and £50-100 on each of my own children, so £35 sounds a lot for nieces and nephews. Godchildren get £10-20.
It'd be £5-20 on nieces and nephews if I had any, depending on how many I had and how flush I was.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 21/10/2021 11:05

I was trying to say that £35 is almost as much as I'd spend on my parents together and also on my (only) sister

My DCs only got £5-10 from my sis and £25-50 from my parents as they're the only DGC (& will always be the only DGC as my Sis couldn't have DCs and is no longer with us)

My sister loved the bones of my DCs. The amount of money spent didn't matter and they always thanked her and rang her if she wasn't with us for their birthdays or Xmas (she usually was)
If they hadn't said thank-you , she'd have put them right straight away that she wouldn't bother if they didn't.

My aunts and uncles only sent their godchildren gifts at Xmas and birthdays and when we did get gifts it was usually £5 or a bottle of hair mousse or chocolates except for my 18th when I got gold locket necklace.

So I see no reason for you not to start sending money or voucher in a card and cutting the spend down as you have no idea if they've appreciated any of your gifts or if you've been wasting your money.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 21/10/2021 11:06

I voted yabu...
Unless the tenner is between them...

MysteriousMonkey · 21/10/2021 11:20

I'd make it £5 and put all the other money aside for something lovely for myself that I would usually think was too much.

Rexthesnail · 21/10/2021 11:23

Just send cards

MesChiensSontBeaux · 21/10/2021 11:34

I agree you should get a thank you text from your brother or possibly the nieces that are old enough. My kids are teens and they either text or phone their aunts/uncles to say thanks. If it’s from friends of ours they don’t know so well then we say thank you for them. A text takes seconds.

I’d definitely reduce the amount you spend.... they don’t even acknowledge you in any way over Christmas! Fuck that.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 21/10/2021 11:38

I know it's not relevant to OPs dilemma but I grew up on stories of my parents getting an orange & bar of chocolate for Xmas . And sometimes a cardigan that's been knitted. . And in my Dads large family he fondly recalls that one of his brothers or sisters in the family got a (second hand) bike each year and they all looked forward to it being their year for "a bike" or nearly as much a treat the hand me down bike from older sibling that could happen if they got a bike.

My parents grew up in large families and very poor. We're no longer poor but generally only the parents spend £££ on their own children and aunts and uncles send a card or text if that or occasionally a small £5 gift to godchildren niece/nephews . We're all extremely close so you'll get fed snd an icecream when you go round . But wouldn't be able to afford £££ on multiple children each Xmas and birthdays and we don't even try.

I cannot imagine spending £35 each on 3+ nieces or nephews for Xmas and birthdays in one family and not once getting an acknowledgement or Thankyou text. It's so rude and ungrateful

I guess we all have different attitudes to present giving . My friends and I only buy for each other for big birthdays or if we happen to see something they'd love that's funny or cute

Fernhilde · 21/10/2021 11:40

I would stop buying them anything

Iwonder08 · 21/10/2021 11:51

I would buy a card for the family and won't buy presents or send money.

Catflapkitkat · 21/10/2021 12:31

It's so rude not to even acknowledge your gifts. How hard is it for a 16 year to send a thank you text - they are glued to their phones at that age. Do you ever ask if they received it? Do you ask your parents if they liked the presents, as you've not heard anything?'.

I would go one step further and say 'in an effort scale back, from now on we are only buying gifts for the immediate family. Would be great to meet up etc. What is the worse that can happen, they don't send your kids anything, your nieces don't contact you ......