Am I being a mean old grinch?

[Newwifeatnumber10]

I have four nieces aged from 9 to 16. Every year I buy each of them a Christmas gift worth about £35 each and a birthday gift of similar value. Each year I become increasingly pissed off to never get so much as a thank you or a merry Christmas text from them or their parents (all my brother’s children).

I don’t have children so DB and SIL don’t buy anything. I rarely get a birthday card.

In years past I’ve carefully shopped and bought thoughtful gifts and nice cards.

AIBU to put £10 in a card for them this year?

Sorry messed up - I saw you didn't have children and pressed post too soon.

If they aren't bothered about Auntie, then Auntie shouldn't bother about them, they are all old enough to be able to call you or send a text. £10 in a card if you wish, or a family board game as a family present.

I got sick of that too. Just told the nephew & niece in person how rude & hurtful it is not to acknowledge gifts, told them we always had to write thank you letters when we were children, so much easier now you can just text etc etc (so I must have put up with it when they were younger, I realise). Niece always says thank you now AND sends me birthday & Xmas cards. Nephew does nowt & gets nowt from me any more.

I don't think anyone has to write a 'thank you' letter, that's crazy when they can just text/whatsapp the person, or send them a facebook or twitter message. OR the old fashioned way, just tell them in person.

However @Newwifeatnumber10 I would probably drop it to maybe £20 each for this Christmas. Then tell everyone you are stopping, as it's a bit much now, as it's costing too much. If anyone carries on probing, just say 'my gifts were never acknowledged, and it's costing money I can ill afford, so I have made the decision to stop.'

They will be a bit miffed/feel slighted, but they'll get over it. It's not LAW that you have to buy nieces and nephews gifts or give them money! It's not law that we have to give anything to anyone actually!

@DingDongDenny

I also don't think we should have to ask them to say thank you - it's a bit meaningless if it doesn't come from them without persuasion

It has plenty of meaning.

It's about teaching kids life skills like good manners & gratitude.
DB is failing them by not showing them how to respond properly.

YABVU to send them anything more than a card. And who gives a toss if anyone complains.

No one has a right to your money or effort. It’s a massive ball ache trying to come up with ideas for people you don’t see often, especially fickle kids.

I stopped buying for my step niece and nephew in their late teens as they never acknowledged them. The year after I got a thank you card from one of them “for all the presents you’ve sent me for lots of years” and a suggestion from his mum (he was by now 18) that as I’d been thanked I might start giving them stuff again

Yeah, no. That ship had sailed long since.

It is so rude, but then I always do thank you cards and appear to be one of a dying breed.

I would stop the presents. They should be some reciprocity.

It's the not knowing if your gift arrived I get fed up with.

@AnneLovesGilbert

YABVU to send them anything more than a card. And who gives a toss if anyone complains.

No one has a right to your money or effort. It’s a massive ball ache trying to come up with ideas for people you don’t see often, especially fickle kids.

I stopped buying for my step niece and nephew in their late teens as they never acknowledged them. The year after I got a thank you card from one of them “for all the presents you’ve sent me for lots of years” and a suggestion from his mum (he was by now 18) that as I’d been thanked I might start giving them stuff again

Yeah, no. That ship had sailed long since.

The gall!!!

Indeed. All I’ve ever done with them is try to make an effort to include them and get to know them. I’m a step child and a step mum and we all just muddle along as family. They’ve never accepted invitations to stay, declined to come to our wedding, never acknowledged my step kids or the birth of my daughter.

So I’m done. Feels good!

I think it's really important to teach children to be thankful for any gifts they receive. Mine are still little but my 6 year old writes his own thank you cards now and I've told him that if he doesn't thank people, they won't want to buy him a gift in the future! I've also told him that sometimes you get gifts you don't like that much but that it's still important to say thank you because they were given in kindness with the best intentions.

I must say it irks me that my db's children never do thank yous. They are youngish too so I guess it's really on my db and sil but neither of them do thank yous for their own birthdays so I shouldn't be surprised!

AIBU to put £10 in a card for them this year?

You would be VVU to do that. If they don't say thank you, they don't deserve anything at all.

Its not nice to be in this position, and I would limit the price on gifts, if I decided to buy anything for children. Its always a problem to buy things for children now,, as they have a tendency to have too much already.

It was always a stipulation, that I had to write a little note to family members,who gave me gifts in the oldie days, and I made sure that my two children did the same, when they were young.

I think you are totally justified. I am not one for big elaborate thank you cards etc but would expect an acknowledgement, from the parents when kids are smaller, and then in time in a quick message from the child once they have their own phone.

If MIL sends presents, the kids don't write her a card but I'll send her an email and DH will get them to talk to her briefly to say thank you when they next speak on Skype.

A family board game is the way to go!

Or an Oxfam goat.