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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm struggling to cope

48 replies

KeeG8181 · 20/10/2021 19:33

I'm a 20 year old single mum to a 22 month old DS

I've been reliant on Universal Credit since he was born and started university in September and DS in nursery. My attendance is absolutely awful as DS wouldn't settle at first and since then he's had constant colds which have us in self isolation with a temp and cough. My mum has him once or twice a month but other than that it is just me and DS.

I don't go out with anyone often because I'm the only friend in my group who is alone with a child and sometimes I just want time alone with my friends.

I see people around me that get so much help with childcare and I'm so jealous. Even if I had to drop out of university I can't even get a job for a few hours in the evening because I have no childcare, it just seems to be never ending and I feel like I'm gonna be stuck on benefits until he's 18.

I feel really down and lonely.

OP posts:
Intravenousbitch · 20/10/2021 19:37

Do you not get any help from your baby's Dad op? Can his parents help? It must be really tough for you.

misssunshine4040 · 20/10/2021 19:38

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I've been there and honestly I absolutely promise you it's going to get better.
Keep in at uni and have a chat with your course leader to keep them in the loop about your attendance and your childcare issues.
Keep plowing on this but is the absolute hardest and I totally get the jealousy of other people having so much help.

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 20/10/2021 19:39

No my son's dad and his side aren't involved.
I just feel like I'm gonna be kicked out because my attendance is so shit or have to leave because of it. Plus having a constantly snotty toddler is just so hard

OP posts:
gonnabeok · 20/10/2021 19:40

Sorry you feel that way OP, loneliness is quite common for us single parents. Join the Frolo app, it's for single parents - they do meet ups for people with children in your area and there are zoom meet ups too. It's nice to speak to others in the same boat.

PooWillyNameChange · 20/10/2021 19:44

I had my first at 17 with an unsupportive mother and ex partner so I do know how you feel. I grafted hard to get into a Russell Group uni and life was really really hard. I'm not sure how I did it really but I had no social life, no treats and everything was done in the name of efficiency rather than pleasure (e.g. bulk cooking and eating the same bloody stuff all the time because it was cheap).

Now I'm 30 with a good career, married to a lovely man, together we make a high 6 figure household income. We have a toddler and one on the way too so I am constantly exhausted and life still feels hard sometimes but the feeling of futility and everything being stacked against me is gone. We have options.

That is all to say that it'll pass, but I'd urge you to stick at uni if you can. Take every opportunity offered to you, ensure you're getting all the grants etc available (some uni departments have ones on top of government ones, often provided by trusts/rich alumni). This is the hardest time. Once your child gets to school things will ease up, once they can get themselves to and from school even more so. Keep at it.

PooWillyNameChange · 20/10/2021 19:45

Also please please proactively talk to your tutor about your struggles. Make arrangements for how you'll catch up if you physically miss uni - they will look upon you much more favourably than if you just wait for it to be flagged.

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 20/10/2021 19:45

I will check frolo out it sounds really good. I mentioned dropping out to my mum before and she's said it'll suit me fine cos I can "sit on my arse all day then" as though I enjoy it.
Yet won't help me when she can. I feel so down in the dumps today

OP posts:
GoodVibesHere · 20/10/2021 19:48

Could you take your Uni course part time? Do you have a personal tutor you could speak to for advice?

Could you speak with your Uni wellbeing team for some guidance, to see what they suggest or offer?

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 20/10/2021 19:53

I'm already there part time and I'm gonna have to message my personal tutor tomorrow as I've been off this week again. It's just shit I have absolutely no life whatsoever, none of this has done DS any good as he is practically glued to me 24/7

OP posts:
Navigationcentral · 20/10/2021 19:56

Hi there

Okay - you need a plan -

  1. First thing - email your personal tutor and ask for a meeting ASAP.
  1. At personal tutor meeting be fully honest and ask for a referral to the university well-being centre and ask to be signposted to all university support that can be offered
  1. Work out when the assignments are and ask for extenuating/mitigating circumstances processes if you need to spread out the deadlines.
  1. If you think things are very tough then consider taking temporary withdrawal. As long as you are within your maximum registration period this would be fine.
  1. Keep regularly in touch with your personal tutor and keep them updated
  1. For individual modules get in touch with module leaders to discuss absence/catching up/making assignment plans and asking for meetings. Likewise perhaps see your programme director? Maybe seeing programme director first makes sense as they can update colleagues?
Original poster
KeeG8181 · 20/10/2021 19:59

@Navigationcentral

Hi there

Okay - you need a plan -

  1. First thing - email your personal tutor and ask for a meeting ASAP.
  1. At personal tutor meeting be fully honest and ask for a referral to the university well-being centre and ask to be signposted to all university support that can be offered
  1. Work out when the assignments are and ask for extenuating/mitigating circumstances processes if you need to spread out the deadlines.
  1. If you think things are very tough then consider taking temporary withdrawal. As long as you are within your maximum registration period this would be fine.
  1. Keep regularly in touch with your personal tutor and keep them updated
  1. For individual modules get in touch with module leaders to discuss absence/catching up/making assignment plans and asking for meetings. Likewise perhaps see your programme director? Maybe seeing programme director first makes sense as they can update colleagues?
Thank you I will get that done in the morning. My head's been up my arse for days so I've not thought of anything like that
OP posts:
Original poster
KeeG8181 · 20/10/2021 20:03

The thing that grinds me so much about my mum is that I was palmed off to my nans every day when I was the same age as DS. And twice overnight so she could work. Yet my bus was late last week on my way home and id asked her to pick DS up from the nursery that is 3 minutes walk from her house and she said no as she's been working all day. Which is fair enough but at least recognise how blessed she was.

OP posts:
Labloverrr · 20/10/2021 20:09

It’ll get better 💐

The advice already given is spot on. You might be exhausted and drained so might need a temporary break.

dontblameme · 20/10/2021 20:14

Can you check if there is a HomeStart in your area? I volunteer with them. We support young families who just need an extra pair of hands and/or a listening ear for couple of hours a week. You can self-refer.

You're doing an amazing job BrewCake

MissMogwai · 20/10/2021 20:21

You've had some really good advice here, please talk to your tutors. You won't be the only single parent who has struggled with child care.

It's really tough tackling uni and children, especially as a lone parent with a little one. I did it myself but my two were at primary school and I did have some support in the holidays.

It's a shame your mum doesn't want to help more, although of course she doesn't have to. It's hard to take, especially if your own grandma helped a lot.

It will all be worth it if you can get through this tough period. You must have worked hard to get your place - so don't give up. When you get the degree and then the career you want, it will be so, so worth it.

MissMogwai · 20/10/2021 20:24

Just to add that there is a mature student board on the Education topic section. Might be worth a look for support on there too.

There used to be a student parent board too, but I can't seem to find that one.

Foolsrule · 20/10/2021 20:25

The child’s father really needs to step up. It’s not fair that everything is on you. Even if they’re not around practically, why aren’t they contributing financially? Why should you and your child suffer (and the rest of us pay for universal credit) because he doesn’t want to be involved? Go after him!

Alwaysonthegoslow · 20/10/2021 20:31

Your Ds will build immunity and be off less and less, university is the way forward. Wont your mum help if he is ill so you can attend uni?

Alwaysonthegoslow · 20/10/2021 20:34

@KeeG8181

I will check frolo out it sounds really good. I mentioned dropping out to my mum before and she's said it'll suit me fine cos I can "sit on my arse all day then" as though I enjoy it. Yet won't help me when she can. I feel so down in the dumps today
Your mum sounds a peach. I would do alli could to help my s sz
CharlieVictorCobalt · 20/10/2021 20:34

@KeeG8181 have you considered sending your child to a childminders instead? There's a smaller number of kids at one, so lower risk of bugs. Alternatively a nannyshare may be good if you can find one. If you aren't already, accessing Parent's learning allowance and the childcare grant would be a good move as a student

Alwaysonthegoslow · 20/10/2021 20:37

Help my dcs Flowers

DamnUserName21 · 20/10/2021 20:38

OP, been there but wasn't studying at the time with baby so young. Any chance you can switch to a part-time or long distance degree? It might better suit your circumstances.
A childminder is a good suggestion.

DamnUserName21 · 20/10/2021 20:42

@Foolsrule

The child’s father really needs to step up. It’s not fair that everything is on you. Even if they’re not around practically, why aren’t they contributing financially? Why should you and your child suffer (and the rest of us pay for universal credit) because he doesn’t want to be involved? Go after him!
Yes, he does-morally, physically, emotionally and financially. But she can't force him, can she?! The govt won't even 'force' feckless fathers to pay for their kids, especially if they aren't PAYE and even that will be piss-money if min wage. Pointless comment!!!
MrsTumbletap · 20/10/2021 20:45

There is light at the end of the tunnel too, as soon as they are at school it's free. So I know it probably seems a way off it won't be forever. In a couple of years your child will be at school 9-3 and won't cost you a penny.

But for now contact your uni, and let them know what is going on so they don't just think you are skipping for no reason. Get work done in your free time and try to keep up as much as you can. You won't be the only single parent there, guaranteed.

Can your friends come round to you in the evening when the little one is in bed and you can have a coffee and a catch up? Socialising takes a different form when you have kids, evening meet ups mean you don't need a babysitter but still get to hang out, watch a film, chat.

Just think, uni isn't forever, it's a couple more years and you can turn that degree into a career you love and make a great future for yourself and your little one.

It will get easier I promise, for now keep posting on here and people will always support you.

SnowWhitesSM · 20/10/2021 20:45

I get you OP. It really does get better. I had dd at 17 and ds at 19 and was a lone parent for many years. When I was on benefits I used to stare down the road wishing I could walk down it and never come back.

I went to uni and now have a great career. I'm just going on a secondment for a professional qualification and will be funded by my LA for my masters in September. I'm now married, my dc are teens so I go out and see my friends whenever I want! It gets so much better.

Also it's bloody amazing being in your early 30s and having teens. I have so much freedom and no desire to have any more dc Grin

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