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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm struggling to cope

48 replies

KeeG8181 · 20/10/2021 19:33

I'm a 20 year old single mum to a 22 month old DS

I've been reliant on Universal Credit since he was born and started university in September and DS in nursery. My attendance is absolutely awful as DS wouldn't settle at first and since then he's had constant colds which have us in self isolation with a temp and cough. My mum has him once or twice a month but other than that it is just me and DS.

I don't go out with anyone often because I'm the only friend in my group who is alone with a child and sometimes I just want time alone with my friends.

I see people around me that get so much help with childcare and I'm so jealous. Even if I had to drop out of university I can't even get a job for a few hours in the evening because I have no childcare, it just seems to be never ending and I feel like I'm gonna be stuck on benefits until he's 18.

I feel really down and lonely.

OP posts:
DamnUserName21 · 20/10/2021 20:46

sorry, OP, just saw you were part time.
Definitely speak to instructors

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 20/10/2021 20:49

Thank you for so many helpful comments. I really appreciate it and the stories of you all in similar situations. It's really really encouraging.

@Foolsrule I worked for NatWest up until 36 weeks. Id started a new job and couldn't get mat pay as I hadn't been there long enough. I had no choice so I apologise for you all paying my UC.
My son's father is a complete waste of space and unfortunately I can't force him to do anything.

OP posts:
Alwaysonthegoslow · 20/10/2021 20:53

@Foolsrule

The child’s father really needs to step up. It’s not fair that everything is on you. Even if they’re not around practically, why aren’t they contributing financially? Why should you and your child suffer (and the rest of us pay for universal credit) because he doesn’t want to be involved? Go after him!
Pay UC? Dont be sillyBiscuit
XelaM · 20/10/2021 20:58

Hi from a single mum with a completely useless/uninvolved ex-husband and family abroad. I so understand you, but it can and will get soo much easier as your child grows older and the good thing about having children young is that you can build a great career when they are slightly older and won't be going off on maternity leave with everyone else in their 30's. Plus everything is easier when you are younger and soon your kid will become your best mate and you will be really really close. My daughter is 11 now, I have a great career and am a very high earner and she is honestly my best buddy.

Littlepaws18 · 20/10/2021 20:58

You have made some difficult but amazing decisions for yourself and your child. Seriously going to uni, being a single mom, limited support is so hard- but in the long term will be so worth it for you both. I was in my early 30s, worked full time, pregnant, and was single and found it almost impossible and I had support! To get as far as you have is incredible, you are a true inspiration and a fantastic role model for your child. I wish o could make it easier, but all I can say is you are working towards the future for your family and you can do it! X

Timetoretiretospain · 20/10/2021 21:05

@Littlepaws18

You have made some difficult but amazing decisions for yourself and your child. Seriously going to uni, being a single mom, limited support is so hard- but in the long term will be so worth it for you both. I was in my early 30s, worked full time, pregnant, and was single and found it almost impossible and I had support! To get as far as you have is incredible, you are a true inspiration and a fantastic role model for your child. I wish o could make it easier, but all I can say is you are working towards the future for your family and you can do it! X
100% this !
1frenchfoodie · 20/10/2021 21:11

You have had some good practical advice here on engaging with your personal tutor and support services. I just thought I’d also say my experience is that the first couple of months of nursery are the worst for picking up every illness going - particularly if your DS hasnt been going to a lot of kids groups. (We had colds, impetigo, chest infection and coughs). So your DS should start to fight stuff off better soon.

Intravenousbitch · 20/10/2021 21:15

I also have to add that unfortunately our parents aren't always what we would like them to be. I'm not in your position as I have my husband to help, but I agree it's really disappointing when your parents won't step up to help when they had lots of help themselves or aren't interested in your family. It's really unfair but it is what it is unfortunately. You're doing the right thing and it will get easier x

Foolsrule · 20/10/2021 21:20

@KeeG8181 - that’s not my point. You don’t have anything to feel bad about. It’s the men who impregnate women and then leave them high and dry who need to be made to pay. We need a system like in the US where child support is taken from pay at source.

Lostmarbles2021 · 20/10/2021 21:34

Wow OP. I’m really impressed by your get up and go. To be trying to do a course with a little one and no support is awesome.

You’ve had great advice from PP about speaking to tutors and the well-being service. You have a plan.

I’m sorry your mum is a bit shit (my words not yours). I can’t imagine being that unsupportive if I’m ever lucky enough to have a grandchild. The one upside of crap parents is that it kind of lets you off the hook a bit when they need your care later in life. I know I’m sounding a bit harsh but I do think you’ll feel less obliged.

Good luck with it all. If you just keep plodding and keep your goal in site you will get there eventually. CakeBrew

Animood · 20/10/2021 21:35

I know it's hard and I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

I going to uni with a baby was never going to be easy, which is why most women don't do it.

Degrees are hard. Degrees with a toddler are really really really hard.

You're going to have to dig really deep, fight really hard and work really hard to make this work. Even if you get more help, it's still going to be really hard. Sorry but it is.

Just think about the end goal- a degree and good career. Good luck.

Animood · 20/10/2021 21:38

[quote Foolsrule]@KeeG8181 - that’s not my point. You don’t have anything to feel bad about. It’s the men who impregnate women and then leave them high and dry who need to be made to pay. We need a system like in the US where child support is taken from pay at source.[/quote]
We do Hmmtry not to spread nonsense.

You can get a deduction of earnings order meaning the employer deducts money from the blokes pay before he gets it.

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-for-employers

Intravenousbitch · 20/10/2021 21:41

I totally agree with Lostmarbles. She's right that if your parents don't help you out, you'll feel less obliged to help your parents. It's no more harsh than your parents not wanting to help you when you really need it. x

DeepaBeesKit · 20/10/2021 21:42

I know it's really hard if you see others who get family help with childcare but comparison is the thief of joy, focus on what you have rather than what you don't.

Your mum is working herself, I assume she's only in her forties or fifties? Times have changed, and while its lovely your Grandma helped so much with you, you need to see that that was a different time when fewer women that age worked so they were more available to help.

Even if your child's father isnt helpful is it worth trying to get CMS to get some money from him? Anything helps.

Foolsrule · 20/10/2021 21:43

@Animood - well it’s clearly not working, is it? If it were, the OP wouldn’t be in the position she is now.

Flowersintheattic2021 · 20/10/2021 21:54

What are you doing at uni. Is it necessary. Do an apprenticeship. Work.part time in customer services til he is older? Nhs clerical ?

Animood · 20/10/2021 22:10

[quote Foolsrule]@Animood - well it’s clearly not working, is it? If it were, the OP wouldn’t be in the position she is now.[/quote]
OP probably needs to see a solicitor to get this done. Wouldn't cost a lot- she would recover more than the solicitors fees from the father pretty soon.

It will work. Many people do it.

Just because you don't know about it doesn't mean it doesn't exist and it doesn't mean it doesn't work.

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 20/10/2021 22:20

It's not even the uni that I'm finding stressful, it's the time off haha id have been sacked by now if it was a job😂

OP posts:
Original poster
KeeG8181 · 20/10/2021 22:25

However I do try and look at things on the bright side I know I'm doing this for my son but my godddd I'm sick of these colds it's like we live in a Petri dish!

Also pretty sure a pot noodle isn't supposed to make you feel as good as it does when you're under the weather 🤔

OP posts:
Jangle33 · 20/10/2021 22:27

Hang on in there OP, definitely get all the support from uni you can. His illness will get better, you can do this.

And not surprised you feel hard done by from your mum, how she can stand by and not help you…

good luck x x

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 21/10/2021 10:28

Thank you all. I've emailed my tutor this morning and I'm just waiting on their reply. We've had an email about placements needed to progress to the second year, they include weekends and nights which I can't do. Plus DS is only in nursery the 3 days I'm in uni because there's no space for him. I feel even more disheartened and I just don't know if I'm best off waiting until he is 14/15 and not so reliant on me.

OP posts:
Bumblethebee · 21/10/2021 10:53

First of all, you are doing amazing! To do juggling so much at age 20 as a single parent, I think you need to give yourself more credit.

I’m so sorry your Mum isn’t more supportive, I do think she’s been very unfair and it’s not nice of her at all to watch you struggle. I’d definitely remember that when she needs you in the future.

I’m glad you have spoken to Uni, you need all the support you can get. Can they make any changes for your regarding the placements? Are you currently studying part time? If not can you change to part time?

Have you considered a child minder? They may be cheaper and more flexible?

Definitely contact homestart, or speak to someone at your local children centre. Do you have a health visitor number to contact?

My advice is to keep going. What seems to hard now may be a lot better in a year. I remember all those illnesses. I’m not even a single parent but almost quit work that first year as it was so hard.

You’re doing amazingly well and your son will be so proud of you one day. Flowers

Alwaysonthegoslow · 21/10/2021 13:31

@Intravenousbitch

I totally agree with Lostmarbles. She's right that if your parents don't help you out, you'll feel less obliged to help your parents. It's no more harsh than your parents not wanting to help you when you really need it. x
I agree
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