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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Appropriate Consequence

74 replies

Falalalalaaa · 20/10/2021 16:44

Not sure where to post this so thought I would try here for traffic.

I really need some advice on an appropriate punishment for dd 6. This morning she was watching tv before school and we needed to finish getting ready before leaving. I had asked her a few times to go and brush her teeth/go to the loo/get shoes on etc, but she wouldn’t listen, so I took the remote and turned off the tv.

She then jumped at me to try to get the remote back and I fell and really hurt my shoulder, nothing needing treatment but I’m pretty bruised and have struggled doing things today.

After picking her up from school I have tried to have a conversation with her about it and said that her behaviour was unacceptable and the mummy got really hurt, but she just won’t engage. She is crying hysterically every time I bring it up!

She seems really upset about it but I still think she needs a consequence for hurting me. What would be appropriate here. I think no tv for the rest of the week and cancelling one of our (many) half term activities, but DH thinks I’m being too harsh Hmm

I really want her to understand that what she did is not ok!

OP posts:
Atla · 20/10/2021 18:05

Wanting to cancel a half term activity is way OTT in my opinion. She sounds very upset and the fact she hurt you has probably scared the bejeesus out of her. No TV in the morning before school seems enough of a consequence.

I've been through the TV battle with my kids and I do have to remind myself that I too would get annoyed if someone grabbed the remote and turned off the TV in the middle of me watching something. So plenty of warnings before TV goes off OR if they can't cope with that, no TV before school.

DappledThings · 20/10/2021 18:16

@CurryLover55

Morgan12 I really hope you’re not serious?!
Given that her brief post ends with pointing out that OP should accept it was an accident it seems perfectly obvious she was joking about nipping. Or rather not joking but giving a deliberately OTT option to show OP she is overreacting.
pompomsgalore · 20/10/2021 18:31

No more tv before school is the natural consequence and tbh the most sensible way forward anyway

trumpisagit · 20/10/2021 18:36

Until mine were secondary age we had no screens before school. It's just another thing to manage, and there's enough to do.

NoDecentHandlesLeft · 20/10/2021 18:37

It sounds like it was an accident and she's sorry, so I wouldn't "punish" for hurting you accidentally.
Consequence for not listening to you to go and get ready etc is that the TV isn't on in the morning. Which isn't a punishment, just a reasonable way to ensure that she isn't distracted.

Original poster
Falalalalaaa · 20/10/2021 18:38

I’ve taken on board the I have overreacted. I haven’t mentioned it again, and I hadn’t really gone on about it with her as some have suggested here.

I tried to talk to her this morning but she was too upset so I just calmed her down and took her to school. Then I briefly mentioned it after I had picked her up.

As a pp said, i just wanted her to understand that her actions may hurt people, even if that wasn’t her intention.

OP posts:
esloquehay · 20/10/2021 19:01

She's 6, FFS.
At that age, deal with the issue in the moment, not drag it out until after school, then keep going on about it.
Why are parents so keen to bloody punish?!
Move. On.

lentilsandeggs · 20/10/2021 19:30

I understand - my DSD always is in floods of tears when she knows she’s in the wrong - so hard to have a calm conversation about what went wrong when the child is crying like the world is ending!
Like others I would reinforce that tv in the morning before school is a no go. And maybe I’d have me and my partner ham up the injury a little just for this evening. Not in a scary way but eg he could be extra caring out loud saying things like ‘don’t you do that - me and DSD will set the table/clear the table (or whatever). Let us look after you if you’re still sore.’ Just to gently reinforce that you got hurt so that your daughter learns a little about her strength.
I wouldn’t bother changing the half term plans.

IfImLyingImDying · 20/10/2021 21:34

@lentilsandeggs

I understand - my DSD always is in floods of tears when she knows she’s in the wrong - so hard to have a calm conversation about what went wrong when the child is crying like the world is ending! Like others I would reinforce that tv in the morning before school is a no go. And maybe I’d have me and my partner ham up the injury a little just for this evening. Not in a scary way but eg he could be extra caring out loud saying things like ‘don’t you do that - me and DSD will set the table/clear the table (or whatever). Let us look after you if you’re still sore.’ Just to gently reinforce that you got hurt so that your daughter learns a little about her strength. I wouldn’t bother changing the half term plans.
That’s a fucking horrible idea. If you want to give your kid a guilt complex that’ll last through her life OP go with this idea.
hangrylady · 20/10/2021 21:38

She's apologised multiple times and is upset. Leave it, she's 6 and it was an accident I don't think you need to punish her.

Workinghardeveryday · 20/10/2021 21:55

She is 6 years old! She has no idea of her own strength. Honestly, you are taking this way too far and it’s horrible to read about a very young child crying hysterically and you still wanting to punish her or keep bringing it up. Have a cuddle together and move on. Poor kid.

This as pp said, don’t mean to sound mean op but you are talking this way way to far!!!! Seriously.

Mischance · 20/10/2021 21:59

She has her punishment in knowing you are hurt. It sounds as though she gets that she was in the wrong. How about a new rule that says TV does not go on until absolutely ready to set off for school? - I mean as a standard morning rule, not as a "consequence/[punishment".

Spongeboob · 20/10/2021 22:19

As the mother of an almost ten year old who reacts similarly please nip this in the bud sharpish. I hope you have better luck than me.

lentilsandeggs · 20/10/2021 22:41

Maybe you’re right. My DSD has had some sharing/kindness challenges recently and we’ve been able to bring the point home by overtly demonstrating sharing actions rather than bringing her up on her unkindness. (She’s 8 and she already sees through us a little but she also accepts what we are demonstrating). That’s why I suggested that this might be a way to play it. But I’m also with you - scarred for life is definitely not a desired outcome of any learning experience.

lentilsandeggs · 20/10/2021 22:42

Argh reply fail. My message was for @IfImLyingImDying

Charbead49 · 20/10/2021 22:53

@lentilsandeggs

I understand - my DSD always is in floods of tears when she knows she’s in the wrong - so hard to have a calm conversation about what went wrong when the child is crying like the world is ending! Like others I would reinforce that tv in the morning before school is a no go. And maybe I’d have me and my partner ham up the injury a little just for this evening. Not in a scary way but eg he could be extra caring out loud saying things like ‘don’t you do that - me and DSD will set the table/clear the table (or whatever). Let us look after you if you’re still sore.’ Just to gently reinforce that you got hurt so that your daughter learns a little about her strength. I wouldn’t bother changing the half term plans.
That is actual quite cruel I think
lentilsandeggs · 20/10/2021 22:55

(And neither that nor ‘no tv before school’ is a punishment/consequences. No tv before school can be explained simply as it’s the wrong time of day for tv. If there’s ten minutes spare in the morning that’s ten minutes of playing time )

Bobsyer · 20/10/2021 22:59

A natural consequence would be a clock by the tv and a time when it definitely goes off in the morning if you need to have it on before school.

Glad you’ve decided against the punishment. Maybe when she’s calmer you can have a chat about appropriate reactions to having the tv turned off.

Strangevipers · 20/10/2021 23:01

Glad your not going to punish her as she is 6

If she was 16 then It's a different story

Cheeseplantboots · 20/10/2021 23:02

She didn’t hurt you. You fell. She tried to grab the remote. What needs addressing is her not doing as she’s told when she’s told to do it. Guilt tripping her making her think it’s her fault you fell is awful and cruel.

The consequence should be that there’s no TV before school.

Labyrinth86 · 20/10/2021 23:07

She didn't hurt you. You fell and hurt yourself. That shouldn't be what you're talking to her about. The thing she did 'wrong' was not listen to your instructions/get ready for school. Allow to calm down and when she is calm, you should calmy explain that you understand she wanted to watch television but school starts at x time and in order to be on time, you have to leave the house at x time. You asked her to stop watching television and get ready because you didn't want to be/her to be late for school. The reason you were cross was because she didn't listen. Then problem-solve a better way of doing things such as in future she can watch tv when she ready to leave for school.

Frazzledd · 20/10/2021 23:13

I think the OP has taken on board that she's overreacting. It must have been a bit of a shock if it's out of character/not happened before so asking on AIBU seems reasonable (brave!) to me!

Personally I'd let it go now, she's upset, she knows she hurt mummy, she's said sorry. If it happens again I'd re-evaluate but I think if you put any consequences/punishments in now you're reinforcing the guilt she's feeling.

At a later date, I'd sit down with her when your both relaxed and calm and have a (age appropriate) talk about feelings and how we manage them. There's some great books?

IfImLyingImDying · 21/10/2021 08:27

@lentilsandeggs

Maybe you’re right. My DSD has had some sharing/kindness challenges recently and we’ve been able to bring the point home by overtly demonstrating sharing actions rather than bringing her up on her unkindness. (She’s 8 and she already sees through us a little but she also accepts what we are demonstrating). That’s why I suggested that this might be a way to play it. But I’m also with you - scarred for life is definitely not a desired outcome of any learning experience.
Sharing and kindness is a completely different thing. If you’re over playing how hurt OP is and making sure the DD knows, firstly what you’re doing is lying and secondly you’re telling a small child that shes seriously hurt her mother even though it isn’t her fault. That’d be so cruel.
lentilsandeggs · 21/10/2021 11:39

@IfImLyingImDying there we can agree to disagree. The parallels between emotional hurt caused by an unkind action and physical hurt caused by a physical action are clear for me.

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