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AIBU?

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Original poster

Appropriate Consequence

74 replies

Falalalalaaa · 20/10/2021 16:44

Not sure where to post this so thought I would try here for traffic.

I really need some advice on an appropriate punishment for dd 6. This morning she was watching tv before school and we needed to finish getting ready before leaving. I had asked her a few times to go and brush her teeth/go to the loo/get shoes on etc, but she wouldn’t listen, so I took the remote and turned off the tv.

She then jumped at me to try to get the remote back and I fell and really hurt my shoulder, nothing needing treatment but I’m pretty bruised and have struggled doing things today.

After picking her up from school I have tried to have a conversation with her about it and said that her behaviour was unacceptable and the mummy got really hurt, but she just won’t engage. She is crying hysterically every time I bring it up!

She seems really upset about it but I still think she needs a consequence for hurting me. What would be appropriate here. I think no tv for the rest of the week and cancelling one of our (many) half term activities, but DH thinks I’m being too harsh Hmm

I really want her to understand that what she did is not ok!

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 20/10/2021 17:12

Looks like she is sorry anyway so what more do you want? I don't understand the need to drag it out. Don't put TV on before school in future would be the thing I'd take from it.

SuperTiredBaileys · 20/10/2021 17:14

It’s hard to explain, she just got really angry and jumped at me in quite an aggressive way.

She is only 6! Don't demonise her. Sometimes kids get like this, especially when tired, nearly half term etc .. she's had tears, said sorry. Just move on and praise her good behaviour.

NoKnit · 20/10/2021 17:16

No TV before school is the simple solution here. Firstly she will understand why and secondly it helps you out as she isn't distracted by it

Original poster
Falalalalaaa · 20/10/2021 17:18

Thanks everyone. I will just say no tv in the morning then

I’m really not trying to drag it out or upset her. I get that she is only 6 and doesn’t understand her own strength. Honestly I’m not some mean mother who enjoys punishing my kids. But take on board what you’re saying.

It’s just that she has not behaved like this before today, and I was a bit shocked.

OP posts:
SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder · 20/10/2021 17:20

I agree with PPs that rather than a punishment, a discussion that there won't be any TV before school anymore, as she is unable to cope with it being switched off when it's time to get ready. You can give her the remote after school. After a week or two, if she is saying that she wants to be able to watch TV before school, then you need to discuss what time it needs to be turned off, and if she is unable to manage it again or doesn't turn the TV off at the agreed time, then simply no TV before school again. I wouldn't cancel the half term actives, because personally I don't agree with giving unrelated consequences

Etinoxaurus · 20/10/2021 17:23

No TV before school. I thank my lucky stars every day there wasn't so much kids tv when mine were little. For a brief time there was children's radio- such a civilised way to to start the day!

Etinoxaurus · 20/10/2021 17:24

And I agree, not a punishment, just a sensible reaction.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/10/2021 17:24

Kids don't behave just one way for the rest of their growing up. You'll have different problems as you go along, expect them and deal with them as they come. Being shocked and overreacting won't help either of you.

Fallagain · 20/10/2021 17:26

No TV in the mornings until she is all dressed.

621CustardCream438 · 20/10/2021 17:29

I think cancelling a half term activity over an unintentional injury/momentary lapse in self control in anger is over the top. She’s six and she’s contrite. I’d just say if morning tv is going to cause these problems then morning tv is not happening this week and we’ll see after half term if she can switch it off nicely when asked.

Triffid1 · 20/10/2021 17:36

It sounds like you're taking things on board which is good because you really have over reacted here. You were shocked but it sounds like so was she. DD went through a brief phase of sort of mini-hitting. Hard to explain. It wasn't nice but not a big deal. But one days she did it with a pencil in her hand and DH and I were immediately on her, discussing how dangerous it was ,how she could have hurt someone etc. She was distraught. We had the conversation. she apologised. She cried. That was the end. And she's never done it again. She was 5 vs your DD's 6, but there's not much difference.

The point is that she's never done anything that could hurt you before so she probably is massively shocked by that. But it's an important lesson - to know that even if you don't mean to, you can hurt someone.

BeetleyCarapace · 20/10/2021 17:41

I think the 'consequence' here should be for you, not her.

(I don't mean in a punishment sense, more in a 'noting how she reacts to certain things' sense.)

I think no TV in the mornings is an excellent boundary to have. It's not even a punishment, more a smarter way to go about managing your mornings.

worriedatthemoment · 20/10/2021 17:42

Why criticise the OP for allowing tv ? Mine used to watch TV they still got ready when asked and maybe OP dd has always done
Can't say its your fault for letting her , she's six so knows what she did is wrong.
She had been asked to do something and didn't and then behaved inappropriately , thats what needs addressing.
I would just say no tv for next few days , accept apology and explain not how we behave
If you decide to go back to tv then only when washed , dressed and all ready for school.

worriedatthemoment · 20/10/2021 17:43

Def wouldn't cancel half term activity as thats too much

AmyDudley · 20/10/2021 17:45

Well the consequence should be that she doesn't watch TV before school because she has shown it is hard for her to turn it off without getting angry.

That's all it needs to be - if she had jumped up at you and not hurt you would you be considering a long drawn out punishment? If not then the hurting you is a bit of a red herring - that was accidental - I doubt her thought process was 'I want to hurt Mummy' it was 'I want the remote back so I can watch TV'.
She's not old enough to regulate herself with TV as proved by her behaviour, so you take over the regulation.

Before school is time for getting ready for school - dressed, washed fed, teeth, - and that takes priority, any other activity whether TV or reading or toys only if they get ready quickly and there is a bit of spare time.

Toastandcrumpets · 20/10/2021 17:46

She doesn’t need a further consequence, but watching TV in the morning is a fairly normal thing to do.

No need to act as if the OP is doing something akin to child neglect.

AmyDudley · 20/10/2021 17:46

meant to say - I'm sorry you got hurt - hope you are feeling better soon.

HeartsAndClubs · 20/10/2021 17:52

I would put a stop to TV first thing in the morning for a start.

I never allowed it, it was something which just never happened, so DS never thought to ask. And the TV wasn’t allowed on until lunchtime at the very earliest, even in the holidays.

So I would take the focus away from what happened and tell her that since it’s so difficult to get her to do things in the morning because she’s distracted by the TV, there will no longer be TV in the morning before school.

She presumably has toys she can play with instead.

CurryLover55 · 20/10/2021 17:53

Morgan12 I really hope you’re not serious?!

sillysmiles · 20/10/2021 17:57

@Falalalalaaa

Just to add she really didn’t mean to hurt me. And has apologised multiple times!
She has apologised. Move on. There is no point in going on about it again and again. Think of it as an interaction with an adult - if you did something then apologised but they kept bringing it up you'd be inclined to think "well fuck yo, it was an accident and I've apologised what more do you want". So what's to be gained by going over it again and again if she has apologised.

Separately no TV in the morning. Once she's dressed and ready to go she can play with toys or read until you need to leave but TV stays off.

nokidshere · 20/10/2021 17:58

TV always helped with our morning routine. They could watch before school only when everything else was done - bags by the door, shoes/coat on, teeth done. They sometimes didn't get any and often only 5 mins but it worked as an incentive to get everything else done and no tears.

1forAll74 · 20/10/2021 17:59

Sounds like an unfortunate accident, she wasn't to know that it would end up with you getting hurt. She was miffed about the TV, and her action was thus.. Don't put the TV on, at inappropriate times !

Glitterybug · 20/10/2021 18:01

If it was an accident and shes apologised then why does she need a further punishment?

The consequence should be that she now needs to get ready for school before she can watch tv in the mornings. Simple.

suspiria777 · 20/10/2021 18:01

you seem like hard work, OP. The time for consequences and lectures was at the time, not bringing it up again hours later, going on and on at hurt while she is crying, telling her that you were hurt.

Lynne1Cat · 20/10/2021 18:03

She's 6. If you were going to punish her in some way, it should have been done there and then, such as sitting on the step for 5 minutes. Poor kid, you're going on about it a lot.

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