A.i.b.u. to not take kindly to being called a toxic mother

FrenchBoule · 20/10/2021 14:22

Time to part ways with your daughter.
Point out that living with toxic mother doesn’t do her any favours so time for her to move out somewhere with healthier atmosphere..

Seriously OP. As much as you love your daughter she’s rude and disrespectful. This is primarily your home so either she accepts your rules or moves out if it’s so bad as she claims it to be. Some tough love is required here.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2021 14:25

I'd be showing her the door and how to walk through it. Since you're so horrible and "toxic", she'll be happy to live somewhere else, no?

arethereanyleftatall · 20/10/2021 14:26

Unless there is more to it, nothing that you have written implies you've done anything wrong at all. So, based on that, none of us strangers can say whether you're toxic or not. From what you've written, it sounds like you continually bend over backwards to help your daughter, for nothing in return. Time to kick her out I'd think?

mbosnz · 20/10/2021 14:27

Off she pops.

Moanranger · 20/10/2021 14:32

OP, This sounds just like my (recent) situation. DD 29 came to live with me at last LD, around Nov 2020. Here til Sept. She was absolutely vile. Left her room (annexe in house) unbelievably filthy. Rude, belligerent & dis-respectful. We ended on barely speaking terms, and are now for all intents & purposes, NC.
She has lost her job, (no surprise there, with her attitude), but I don’t want to know, as she will be begging money off me.
Time to give your daughter the heave ho. Not good to have adult DCs living with you.

WholeClassKeptIn · 20/10/2021 14:32

I don't think we can tell. I have "toxic" parents. They wouldn't ever think they were. Kind of the nature of toxic parents... often appear normal and lovely on the outside.

But she may have found her childhood difficult or her relationship with you difficult?

Certainly it is a lot easier now I don't have to see so much of my parents. (Trauma counselling helped in my case!) And they probably think as posters on here do...

Newgirls · 20/10/2021 14:34

She’s ready to move out, sounds frustrated by the situation etc but pls don’t ‘kick’ her out. Try and part ways on good terms if you can as it’s hard to repair if u do that

Clandestin · 20/10/2021 14:34

@WholeClassKeptIn

I don't think we can tell. I have "toxic" parents. They wouldn't ever think they were. Kind of the nature of toxic parents... often appear normal and lovely on the outside.

But she may have found her childhood difficult or her relationship with you difficult?

Certainly it is a lot easier now I don't have to see so much of my parents. (Trauma counselling helped in my case!) And they probably think as posters on here do...

We can't, no. But as the OP's daughter is an able-bodied adult, with a degree and a job and the capability to live independently, we must assume she could easily make a life without her mother in it, but chooses not to.

mumjustmum · 20/10/2021 14:35

I have a toxic mother, so I moved out at 18.
Your daughter moved back in with you, I don't think you are the problem here.

Chloemol · 20/10/2021 14:38

You can’t be that toxic if she has moved back in with you!

Personally i would be saying, really sorry daughter you feel like that. I think the way forward is for you to move out, so I will give you two months to get everything in place

Then walk away and leave her to it

WholeClassKeptIn · 20/10/2021 14:38

Yes I agree it sounds like she would be happier elsewhere. But maybe try and support her to do that rather than "kick her out." I kept trying to make thigns work with my parents but am so so so much happier now I am elsewhere! It has taken til I was 40 to break that desire though.

It's been a very difficult time to be at uni and young through covid.

girlmom21 · 20/10/2021 14:40

At 25 she's more than old enough to stand on her own two feet. She needs to move out.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 20/10/2021 14:45

Urgh sounds like my ds nearly 30!! Not at home but continued to blame me for all HIS flaws... Shit hit the fan Xmas 2019 and he flounced off home. Sent abusive messaged to young teen siblings...
And no I didn't chase after him. Tbh we are all enjoying the stress free world he has left us in.. Give her her marching orders imo op..

takenforgrantednana · 20/10/2021 14:47

@Drinkwinewithme

My 25 yr old lives at home, i was happy for her to come home from uni during covid lockdown for her to complete degree (she had already deferred modules so was graduating in the fourth year rather than 3rd) to save to get on her feet to move out and give her time to get a decent job to facilitate this. Two years on and she has completed course, has minimum wage job and does not save a penny (does pay £100 rent per month, that i save) She blames me for any unhappiness or accuses me of interfering , that I have put up with a lot , made my mistakes, shouted when driven mad by the selfishness that comes along with teen/young adult but so sad that i am now accused of being toxic when i just refuse to be over dominated in our relationship and my environment. I have looked up toxic mother and i really do not think i am. A.I.B.U just by telling her i do not think that i am?

rent goes up! and £100 a month is no where near enough. everytime she starts on you then the rent goes up even more, she is the visitor and its time for her to move on in her own life and pay the going rate if she wants to live the way she expects

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 20/10/2021 14:47

I moved out as soon as I could to get away from my toxic mother. I'd rather sleep on the streets than ever live with her again.

Next time she's being a twat tell her she's welcome to move out as soon as possible. Also, if you were saving that board money to give back to her I wouldn't bother. Or at least wait until she's grown some manners and respect.

HarrietsChariot · 20/10/2021 14:50

It's impossible to say whether you are toxic or not because toxic people don't believe they are. It's natural you would be upset at the accusation - but a toxic person would be just as upset as a non-toxic person would be.

To be fair to your daughter, she's basically done the work to get through university then found out she's been lied to, that a degree doesn't mean you will earn more than the minimum wage. Her spending after your deductions is merely what she thought she'd have as disposable income anyway, after paying her rent or mortgage.

I think you need to cut her some slack, at least she's got a job and isn't sitting on her arse all day.

LaikO · 20/10/2021 14:56

Agree that we can't say if you're toxic or not. I had to move back in with my mother after a traumatic event a few years ago. She made it all about her, put a lot of stress on me and infantilised me while making a fool of me at every opportunity. She would never call herself anything less than a supportive, amazing mother. On the other hand, I did move out as soon as I possibly could.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/10/2021 14:57

It's impossible to know. Toxic people don't know they are toxic and people rarely describe their own behaviour warts and all.

You might be. Or she might be. Or one or both of you might just be arseholes. Or decent people just not getting along

In your shoes I'd say I'm sorry that that is how you see me. I think it would be best if you moved out. If you are so unhappy here and think I am toxic then you would be better off away from me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/10/2021 15:00

She’s being a toxic daughter. Using your house while insulting you.

She needs to move out. Now is the time to tell her, for her own good, to spread her tiny little wings and get her own place.

It might help your relationship to shift the dynamic to two adults who can choose to spend time together.

PackedintheUK · 20/10/2021 15:08

DH parents were toxic, but superficially so lovely it took even me, who knew him intimately, ages to realise just how harmful and manipulative they were. They certainly wouldn't recognise that they're toxic and would use some of the reasons you give to justify that they couldn't possibly be.

That doesn't mean you are, we couldn't possibly know from this post, but it's also possible you wouldn't recognise it if you were.

Either way separate living arrangements will do you both good.

Alwaysonthegoslow · 20/10/2021 15:11

Sounds like shes well over due to move out.

ohthestruggles · 20/10/2021 15:13

I think you need to cut her some slack, at least she's got a job and isn't sitting on her arse all day.

If this is what adulting is then I want to do it. Paying £100 a month is not living in the real world for a start. OP, you're making it too easy for her and she has no respect for you. She hasn't been lied too, many people come out of their degrees earning minimum wage, you can't say 'I've been lied to' and expect mum and dad to sort it out.

Original poster

Drinkwinewithme · 20/10/2021 15:14

Naturally she peaks when tired, hormonal or hungover and yes i have made a rod for my own back by accepting every time there is a row and feeling only too pleased that we are at peace at the time and probably making too many allowances for everything.

I have offered previously to pay for a deposit to get her a place. Then i feel so sorry for her as she looks so taken back and cries wholeheartedly and apologises, so we go another moth or so until bang again.

I am guilty of proper loosing my rag and shouting when she engages me in a row.

I thought that id been firm but fair parent, supporting their decisions, not deciding them. I would loose my rag if they were consistently selfish or irresponsible but i am betting the same with most families. I am massively aware that i may have enabled a bit of entitlement as dispite boundaries, i did not implement boundaries enough.I should have walked away from a lot of arguements she engaged me in but this was my first child so i made mistakes inevitably. But my intentions were always for the good of them ( and i have never expected a thanks or behaved like a martyr). I have always been there for her and when ive felt she was too obstinate/hating on me etcetra, begged her to ask for help from everyone else so that i cant be hated on.

OP posts:

Alwaysonthegoslow · 20/10/2021 15:17

@ohthestruggles

I think you need to cut her some slack, at least she's got a job and isn't sitting on her arse all day.

If this is what adulting is then I want to do it. Paying £100 a month is not living in the real world for a start. OP, you're making it too easy for her and she has no respect for you. She hasn't been lied too, many people come out of their degrees earning minimum wage, you can't say 'I've been lied to' and expect mum and dad to sort it out.

Shes not 16, shes 25! I had 1.5 dcs by then. Its tine to grow up.

girlmom21 · 20/10/2021 15:19

Naturally she peaks when tired, hormonal or hungover

OP she's a grown adult. None of these are acceptable excuses unless there's a massive drip feed coming.