A.i.b.u. to not take kindly to being called a toxic mother

[Drinkwinewithme]

My 25 yr old lives at home, i was happy for her to come home from uni during covid lockdown for her to complete degree (she had already deferred modules so was graduating in the fourth year rather than 3rd) to save to get on her feet to move out and give her time to get a decent job to facilitate this. Two years on and she has completed course, has minimum wage job and does not save a penny (does pay £100 rent per month, that i save) She blames me for any unhappiness or accuses me of interfering , that I have put up with a lot , made my mistakes, shouted when driven mad by the selfishness that comes along with teen/young adult but so sad that i am now accused of being toxic when i just refuse to be over dominated in our relationship and my environment. I have looked up toxic mother and i really do not think i am. A.I.B.U just by telling her i do not think that i am?

PackedIntheUK if i am, i would take my lifetime to try to compensate and heal her. From what ive looked up i do not tick any at all. I am aware that i am far from perfect and can be accussed of many things . My intentions daily are to do good and its about them, really not me.

This thread has made me feel better about having firm boundaries with my DD nearly 20, who is at university but can still be quite mean, sulky, stroppy and nasty to me.

@Alwaysonthegoslow I was quoting a previous post, I agree she isn't a child and needs to grow up.

If she spends £100 or rent - what does the rest go on if she doesn't buy food and pay other bills?

Don't kick her out, but give her a time limit for moving out.

I think there's a proper study on this, so I'm probably going to explain it badly, but we've got a demi-therapised culture now where people know a little tiny bit about psychology, enough to diagnose people as narcissists left right and centre, but not enough to actually fully understand what they're saying, or how it works. It sounds like she's read the word toxic somewhere and embraced it without a huge amount of thought.

You might be toxic or she might be the entitled selfish brat you are trying to describe. Either way she needs to move out if you stand any chance on preserving any kind of relationship with her. You 'keep losing your rag' is really not good or healthy

Yep may not fit the textbook definition but you mention "llosing your rag" a lot when she was a teen and now. Is that how discussions in your house end up? Is it okay for her to disagree with you?

At the end of the day you're the adult and need to model the behaviour you want.

Crying to manipulate you while continuing to be unpleasant. Brilliant.

You’ll be doing her a favour to tell her time is up and the cycle ends now.

She’s trying to behave like a child and a controlling partner.

I think there's a proper study on this, so I'm probably going to explain it badly, but we've got a demi-therapised culture now where people know a little tiny bit about psychology, enough to diagnose people as narcissists left right and centre, but not enough to actually fully understand what they're saying, or how it works. It sounds like she's read the word toxic somewhere and embraced it without a huge amount of thought

I hear lots of teens using Toxic now, often to describe friendships when they fall out over silly things.