Mental load/complaining DP

[Nomorecoco]

I just don't think I can handle anymore.

I lost my job this year and returning to work in a week after a long job hunt, also putting my pandemic baby into childcare for the first time.

My dp changed jobs a few months after getting badly wrongly accused of something at work, felt under motivated wfh and expressed daily how much he hated being at home and would find any excuse he could to leave the house, was rejected for pay rise, no progression either.
He now hates his new job now, its a pay rise but not so much because he has a long commute due to bad public transport and driving test delays so extra cost for that and long days. He's sworn at his new boss last week cos he's not been 'trained properly' , but both myself and his boss have told him several times his training is by asking for help but he says he's too good for that so not helping himself, but not listening to anyone. He's on probation too.

I'm literally spending all my day, refreshing every minute, trying to get him a driving test cancellation, his theory runs out this month.

All whilst dealing with running the house, family sickness, getting myself ready for my new job, which I'm massively stressing about, plus I'm doing an educational course and volunteering which are very stressful.

Hes depressed and won't take on board any help (I've been through it myself so I understand, he won't try any techniques or get gp help)

I've shouted at him a few times now cos I've just had enough cos I can't deal with handling everyone's issues. He's just gone off on a big rant on txt, the same he has every night, he comes home saying the same things over and over again, I say the same things it's like groundhog day. I've told him I've had enough and can't handle it.

I don't know how else I can handle this any better, or if I just need to accept this is life.

It’s only your life if you want it to be
Seriously consider if you want to stay with him; he sounds like a loser. He’ll lose this job as well if he starts shouting at his boss again

He hates his job it’s down to him to change it. It’s no fun listening to someone complaining about their job day in day out and then not doing a single thing about it. Either he shuts up or gets on with job seeking.

There is currently serious list for a driving test they said soem areas currently 6months. So stop trying go on every day while juggling everything else. He can do when he comes home same as someone who didn’t have a partner who’s not at work. It’s annoying but with covid not much you can do. If he has resit theory test then that’s life.

You can walk away when you have had enough only you can make that choice but you certinaly don’t have stay with someone who’s making you feel depressed.

He swore at his boss whilst still on probation? I think he will be out of a job again soon.

Plan and prepare yourself for that. I understand he is depressed (is that clinically diagnosed or just self diagnosed?) but he needs to take pro active steps to manage his own life. If he can’t, you shouldn’t do it for hom.

Stop being his mum. You are not his fixer. Why on earth are you trying to arrange his driving test?

I'd be telling him that if he refuses to grow up and deal with his own problems, he can exit through the door.

I'm honestly so annoyed about the swearing thing. He said we won't ask for help because it makes him look incompetent but he's just made himself look worst by ignoring his boss and reacting badly. I've told him he needs to clean up his attitude asap and apologise again.

Leaving him isn't an option but I understand how it looks, I'd have thought similar reading other people's posts.

The thing about changing jobs is he won't be in any different position if he moves. He found a job in his specialist area(same as this one, and previous) it did pay more expect it was a step down from where he is now, and was wfh again. He needs this current job as a side step to get to the job he wants to get to. He currently hates that he's not made a good friend, doesn't know everything he's doing so needs training but he'd be the same if he moved again.
I think he's been too proud and comparing himself to friends who have taken different paths but now earning more. He wants instant money without the work.

Also about the driving, I'm fed up of being the taxi of the family, plus all childcare responsibilities lie on my head whilst I'm the driver, so the quicker he can get driving the less that's on my head. He's currently out the house, 7am-7pm, when driving he'll be out 8.30am-5.30pm. He's failed 2 tests, plus had 5 cancelled not of his fault before that. He was supposed to take his 1st test March 2020.

@Aquamarine1029

Stop being his mum. You are not his fixer. Why on earth are you trying to arrange his driving test?

I'd be telling him that if he refuses to grow up and deal with his own problems, he can exit through the door.

I've just mentioned why. But also I'm at home, not working so I technically have time to have my phone out, I have a cancellation app, whereas he doesn't have time to do it. I've gotten cancellations in the past so I know I can get one.. But its very time consuming, something he can't do. I tend to get the cancellations mid morning when he wouldn't be able to. When I'm in work it will be down to him to do it.

Is him medically diagnosed as depressed?

His attitude absolutely stinks. I wouldn’t dream of swearing at anybody, boss or not. This is NOT the way to treat people, depression or not.

Not asking for training or help to not to “look incompetent” doesn’t look good either,he comes across as Mr. Know-it-all while he knows nothing.

Shape up or ship out I’d say (to him)

@FrenchBoule

Is him medically diagnosed as depressed?

His attitude absolutely stinks. I wouldn’t dream of swearing at anybody, boss or not. This is NOT the way to treat people, depression or not.

Not asking for training or help to not to “look incompetent” doesn’t look good either,he comes across as Mr. Know-it-all while he knows nothing.

Shape up or ship out I’d say (to him)

Sorry not medically no, like I said he won't go to the Dr's. Being depressed myself I can spot the signs which is what I 'think' it is.. I said he needs to speak to a GP, it might be depression, or anxiety or some other form of trauma response to the accusations he had gone through before.

I'm really not sure what else I can do to get him to listen. I talk with sense and facts.

He should have gone off on work related stress before but he refused to, and now he's in a position where he can't because he's on probation and doesn't get sick pay.

Why is leaving him not an option? He’s bringing nothing to the party

won't ask for help because it makes him look incompetent

He is just wrong about this. Not asking for help when you don't know is a mugs game. How is he ever going to learn?

@Shoxfordian

Why is leaving him not an option? He’s bringing nothing to the party

Because 70% of the time he's good and I don't think leaving someone just because they're having a temporary bad time. There is still a lot of love in each side. I had a dark depressive stage 1.5 year ago for a about 6 months and he stuck by me.

But this 30% is still very draining.

He said we won't ask for help because it makes him look incompetent

I work alongside fully qualified, long term, chartered accountants, if they aren't sure of something which is my field they come and ask me, If I'm not sure of things I ask them. It isn't incompetency to not know everything about everything.

@FinallyHere

won't ask for help because it makes him look incompetent

He is just wrong about this. Not asking for help when you don't know is a mugs game. How is he ever going to learn?

I said the same. He's only 3 months in. He's been told it takes people 1 years to learn the job, plus his team are 1 person down which is abnormal.

I say to him (again and again) to compare himself to now, to when he started his last job. It took him 6 months to be fully competent in his last job. And that was a lot faster than other people have trained on. He's gone from being the highest performer to the lowest and somehow taking it personal.

He wants instant money without the work.

So do I. When he works it out, let me know?

@QforCucumber

He said we won't ask for help because it makes him look incompetent

I work alongside fully qualified, long term, chartered accountants, if they aren't sure of something which is my field they come and ask me, If I'm not sure of things I ask them. It isn't incompetency to not know everything about everything.

I agree, I'd been in my last job 3 years and still asked for help. I was classed at as a specialist in my area too. I've told him all this. It's normal. Especially when training. I don't know how else to get it to sink in!

I've told him to really make an effort. I might buy some biscuits or something for him to take in to work. He said his boss was fine about the incident and he doesn't want to do anything else but I think he's on the radar now and has damage control still to do.

@DrSbaitso

He wants instant money without the work.

So do I. When he works it out, let me know?

😂😂 Same.

During your dark depression did he take on the entire mental load of the house, all the childcare, sit for hours trying to organise your life admin, do all the cooking and cleaning whilst working full time etc? Did you swear at your boss and do everything you could to virtually guarantee getting fired? Or did his version of "sticking by you" involve just not actually leaving you whilst you pushed yourself to the limit carrying on as normal as much as possible? Don't get me wrong, I've been depressed myself, I know how hard it is and it can make you very self centred, but be careful not to excuse too much bad behaviour on account of it. Keep asking yourself "did I behave like this when I was depressed? Would he have tolerated it from me if I did? Did he help me like I'm now helping him?" If the answer is no then consider the possibility that he is both depressed and not as nice as you think he is. Of course depression effects people differently and not everyone behaves exactly the same, but it isn't a blank cheque to behave however you want either nor does it mean you have to put up with things that are bringing harm to you and your mental/physical health.

He can’t even buy his own packet of biscuits to take in? Stop running percentages, that’s not what it’s about

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

During your dark depression did he take on the entire mental load of the house, all the childcare, sit for hours trying to organise your life admin, do all the cooking and cleaning whilst working full time etc? Did you swear at your boss and do everything you could to virtually guarantee getting fired? Or did his version of "sticking by you" involve just not actually leaving you whilst you pushed yourself to the limit carrying on as normal as much as possible? Don't get me wrong, I've been depressed myself, I know how hard it is and it can make you very self centred, but be careful not to excuse too much bad behaviour on account of it. Keep asking yourself "did I behave like this when I was depressed? Would he have tolerated it from me if I did? Did he help me like I'm now helping him?" If the answer is no then consider the possibility that he is both depressed and not as nice as you think he is. Of course depression effects people differently and not everyone behaves exactly the same, but it isn't a blank cheque to behave however you want either nor does it mean you have to put up with things that are bringing harm to you and your mental/physical health.

I'll be honest, he did amazing, I couldn't have asked for more (and no childcare, this was just before I was pregnant) and then I was pregnant with a horrendous pregnancy that he stepped up amazingly for. This really is a dark patch for him, he's not himself. I guess this is where my aibu comes into it, I should know better and I shouldn't react badly but on top of everything else I just can't carry the weight anymore. I'm still trying to get back to myself after dealing with the depression,having an awful pregnancy and then giving birth into a pandemic, then losing my job. But I don't know how much more I can handle of the same or what to do to move forward. We know things will get better once I'm back working and bringing in some money, and when he'll be driving, and he'll be more settled. But how do you manage the hard times like this when each day is a struggle? I just don't know.

@Shoxfordian

He can’t even buy his own packet of biscuits to take in? Stop running percentages, that’s not what it’s about

He doesn't drive so can't get to the shops as we don't live near them so I'd need to get some when I go shopping.

Leaving him isn't an option

Why do you think that? It's always an option

He sounds a lot like my ex who would moan about getting passed over for promotion but do fuck all at work beyond what he absolutely had to and clock watched to the second!

Wouldn't ask questions when in a role where he had to learn new tasks/ways of doing things "cos ill look stupid" well you'll look MORE stupid if you do it wrong AND you'll piss everyone off cos they'll have to clean up after the mess you've made! Idiot!

This isn't temporary though is it? Sounds like this has been going on for at least a year? 18 months? 2 years?

How long have you been together ?

He needs a major attitude adjustment but that likely won't come until his attitude seriously impacts on him in such a way as he can't deny it's his fault - that's eventually what happened with my ex but not until last year with him in his 50's and getting fired and the boss directly telling him as he was firing him that basically his attitude sucks and he needs to grow up and change that - he'd had plenty of warnings and guidance from boss before that.

These types tend to blame everyone/everything else before they acknowledge their own responsibility for a situation

@Graphista

Leaving him isn't an option

Why do you think that? It's always an option

He sounds a lot like my ex who would moan about getting passed over for promotion but do fuck all at work beyond what he absolutely had to and clock watched to the second!

Wouldn't ask questions when in a role where he had to learn new tasks/ways of doing things "cos ill look stupid" well you'll look MORE stupid if you do it wrong AND you'll piss everyone off cos they'll have to clean up after the mess you've made! Idiot!

This isn't temporary though is it? Sounds like this has been going on for at least a year? 18 months? 2 years?

How long have you been together ?

He needs a major attitude adjustment but that likely won't come until his attitude seriously impacts on him in such a way as he can't deny it's his fault - that's eventually what happened with my ex but not until last year with him in his 50's and getting fired and the boss directly telling him as he was firing him that basically his attitude sucks and he needs to grow up and change that - he'd had plenty of warnings and guidance from boss before that.

These types tend to blame everyone/everything else before they acknowledge their own responsibility for a situation

It's not an option because it doesn't need to be in this scenario. He needs me to be there for him to help him through his issues but I can't be anymore than I am, we've been together 7 years. The issue has been going on for about 18 months, but that started with the allegation issue which dragged on (of no fault of his) for about 12 month of that. So 6 months has been him dealing with it.

That does sound very familiar though. I used to tell him to get involved in things to help his CV only, not work as to help him get better jobs. He did switch jobs at one point but the whole thing was a disaster, a new department started and it was managed awfully, 100% of the original staff left it, and so he also went back to his old job. So I think he wants to try but this move has scared him into moving. His last job always had managers that couldn't care, never got anything done, never actually managed people, so it meant he got it easier than you would in normal work places. I think he's had a shock to the system that that's what work is really like. But staying where he was was getting him nowhere, low wage, niche area and opportunities to progress.
His new boss sounds brilliant though, he's struck gold, so I really hope he doesn't f it up.

Leaving is always an option.

I have several ocd, agoraphobia, depression and anxiety myself, but I try my very best to be as well as possible.

It's particularly unfair if a person with poor mh expects to be supported by others but doesn't do anything to resolve this themselves.

I am working damn hard to get better by engaging with therapy and taking meds I'm not totally happy with I'm about to start some new ones on top of what I already take. I was basically abandoned by local mh services for 2 years at one point when very ill and fought to get the help I needed.

"Being there for him" doesn't mean enabling him, being co-dependent or allowing him to treat you badly there's no excuse for that.

I've had moments when I'm in a panic attack and I can lash out (verbally) but I accept that is unacceptable behaviour and instantly apologise to whoever has been on receiving end, I'm mortified when it happens! But to avoid it happening I know I have to do the work to avoid panic attacks.

People who moan without doing what's possible for them to either change the situation or change their ability to handle it are not acting in their own best interests and are not being considerate of those supporting them.

Perhaps that approach MAY work with him, point out that getting treatment for possible depression not only will make his life and health better it benefits the whole family (and likely from sounds of it his colleagues)

He can't go around like a bear with a sore head if he can't be arsed to take the aspirin!

My ex was just a lazy, entitled dick! Certainly at least work wise. He's the youngest of 4 and while my ex in laws are lovely and generally good parents they did spoil him in certain ways (his siblings certainly thought so) and baby him. He joined the army at 17 and I met him around 2 years later and he had a huge chip on his shoulder assuming promotions should come at a certain length of service and when that didn't happen for him he didn't understand/wouldn't admit it was cos his bosses NOTICED He was a lazy sod! With few leadership qualities. My dad is also army, most of that side of my family are military, so I grew up within it too. My dad was professionally very successful one of the youngest rsm's in his regt at the time, BUT he went above and beyond - without being a mug - and was very skilled at his job. I remember quite early on in dating ex his surprise at my dad volunteering to do an evening class related to his "trade" even though it wasn't mandatory. My dad always wanted to learn, to improve. Ex did the basics, did THEM shoddily and then expected high praise! If anyone asked him a favour he'd be "what can you do for me?" Or only do favours for those he considered potentially "useful" to him.

I remember one argument in particular when a friend of his with 2 years less service than him got a promotion he thought he was owed. He came home raging (which I wasn't having!) and I pointed out to him that the friend had worked to gain related qualifications at night classes and was therefore more qualified on paper than ex AND he was happy to extra curricular roles (voluntary roles within army life that frankly gets you "brownie points" for promotions as the military is a community and the bosses want to see that you understand and contribute to that) AND he grafted at work too, he didn't mind working an extra 20 mins, doing an extra duty here and there - again without being a mug about it. That's why he got the promotion.

Ex declared him a brown nose! And the friendship ended.

He declared ME unsupportive for giving him some home truths!

When wife 2 and I were still talking regularly I learned he was just the same with her.

His temper became more of an issue and he was actually disciplined out (ex and wife 2 didn't tell me this heard "on grapevine military esp army is a small world and I'm still friendly with some from then) - which rarely happens these days! He was apparently repeatedly questioning his boss, refusing to do tasks assigned, or delegating them to others when he'd been specifically told he was to do whatever it was, being "off" with subordinates etc - it wasn't a one off incident it was a pattern of behaviour

I see your partner heading that way if he doesn't rein himself in. And I'm sure you don't need reminding that if you're sacked from a job it makes it harder to get another and he could be prevented from claiming benefits for a period of time too.

He needs to grow up - part of being mature is recognising that your unwillingness to eg get a medical condition dx and treated can impact negatively on others and that's no way to behave, it's also recognising that you don't get nothing for nothing in this world! You want a good career with a good salary you have to earn it. Not just by doing the work but by doing it graciously and understanding you have to pay your dues!

Several of the wealthiest and most successful people in the world started off cleaning, shelf stacking, fixing photocopiers, selling tat at market stalls etc and worked their way up.

I left school at 16 with 3 GCSEs, got a full time nmw level job (except no nmw then I was on £1.50 an hour) and did Eve classes to get more GCSEs and then a-levels, worked full time for a few more years until I could "qualify" as independent financially from parents (as they couldn't support me for other reasons) so I could go to uni.

I hold 2 degrees and have some damn good experience/refs but I've worked all kinds of jobs from shelf stacking and bar work to elderly care management and all sorts in between.

You do what you have to.

I'm disabled and unable to work now I'd love to be able to work again I refuse to accept I never will again despite some around saying I may need to.

He has a job a lot would love to have I'm sure, but he doesn't appreciate it and at the moment he doesn't appreciate you properly

As I said support him if you want to - but don't enable him to continue with this attitude he has on him at the moment.

70% is a depressingly low bar.

I agree 70% is not good enough.
Also, can your pause the volunteering for a bit to make your life easier?