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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mental load/complaining DP

51 replies

Nomorecoco · 20/10/2021 11:53

I just don't think I can handle anymore.

I lost my job this year and returning to work in a week after a long job hunt, also putting my pandemic baby into childcare for the first time.

My dp changed jobs a few months after getting badly wrongly accused of something at work, felt under motivated wfh and expressed daily how much he hated being at home and would find any excuse he could to leave the house, was rejected for pay rise, no progression either.
He now hates his new job now, its a pay rise but not so much because he has a long commute due to bad public transport and driving test delays so extra cost for that and long days. He's sworn at his new boss last week cos he's not been 'trained properly' , but both myself and his boss have told him several times his training is by asking for help but he says he's too good for that so not helping himself, but not listening to anyone. He's on probation too.

I'm literally spending all my day, refreshing every minute, trying to get him a driving test cancellation, his theory runs out this month.

All whilst dealing with running the house, family sickness, getting myself ready for my new job, which I'm massively stressing about, plus I'm doing an educational course and volunteering which are very stressful.

Hes depressed and won't take on board any help (I've been through it myself so I understand, he won't try any techniques or get gp help)

I've shouted at him a few times now cos I've just had enough cos I can't deal with handling everyone's issues. He's just gone off on a big rant on txt, the same he has every night, he comes home saying the same things over and over again, I say the same things it's like groundhog day. I've told him I've had enough and can't handle it.

I don't know how else I can handle this any better, or if I just need to accept this is life.

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 20/10/2021 23:25

OMG leaving is definitely an option.............................. (and yes maybe stop the volunteering at least to help you)

Original poster

Nomorecoco · 21/10/2021 08:33

I think its very pedantic to keep pushing that leaving is 'an option' Lots of things are options but doesn't mean we do them. So please stop suggesting this, my post isn't about this.

I am genuinely really worry about his state of mind, he's cried and told me he doesn't want to live anymore. But some days I feel like this myself and we take turns to look after each other. But I feel like I can't handle his bad days as much anymore.

I am very happy with him otherwise and we are getting married soon. We've both had a horrendous and traumatic 2 years, so it's expected he's only going to be at 70%. Wouldn't you be?
He's not a bad guy, he's been through a lot, and reacting badly to situations now because of it. This is unlike him so I don't know how to handle it..

As for volunteering, I will be taking a step back soon. Its a remote role, so I only need to commit a few hours but I'm trying to do as much as possible whilst I'm off work. I'm going through a career change and it will help me massively to get the job I want so it's 100% worth doing.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 21/10/2021 09:14

If you’re not going to leave him and he’s not going to go to the doctors or try to change then in answer to your first post, you just have to accept it

FrenchBoule · 21/10/2021 09:29

OP, with all respect.

You are not responsible for your partner’s mental health. If he is depressed he should see HCP for that.Your DP is the one that needs to change his attitude.

You are on your best way to burn out.

I managed 5 years to support mentally, physically and financially relative with diagnosed depression who refused the treatment. In the end I had to walk away as I started to drown. I was young adult without the kids in tow.

Your partner needs to buck up and take his responsibilities as an adult- support his wife to be in bringing up the child he created and that involves providing money for living expenses. He’s not going to achieve that by swearing at his boss.

Whatever you do OP- good luck,

Oh,and I would postpone the wedding but your decision entirely whether you want to be tied financially to the man similar to the one @Graphista
has described.

Original poster

Nomorecoco · 21/10/2021 09:31

@Shoxfordian

If you’re not going to leave him and he’s not going to go to the doctors or try to change then in answer to your first post, you just have to accept it

100% not leaving him. That or Dr's, Are those my only options though? Honestly, if that's the answer to my post then I will just seen how things go.

He came bsxm from work yesterday after his rant saying he'd had a good day. Fingers crossed today is the same. (or at least not bad)

OP posts:

Original poster

Nomorecoco · 21/10/2021 09:38

@FrenchBoule

OP, with all respect.

You are not responsible for your partner’s mental health. If he is depressed he should see HCP for that.Your DP is the one that needs to change his attitude.

You are on your best way to burn out.

Whatever you do OP- good luck,

Oh,and I would postpone the wedding but your decision entirely whether you want to be tied financially to the man similar to the one @Graphista
has described.

I understand that. I know he needs to do more and he says himself he wants to but just can't get himself to do, doesn't believe in therapy, doesn't want to go on pills. Tbh, it's a nightmare getting an appointment now anyway so again I can't blame him when he'd have to jump through hoops to get help. So I don't think he knows what to do next. I am worried about him, and I'm the kind of person that will take the motherly role is most situations, so I can't help it.

OP posts:

Graphista · 21/10/2021 11:30

Won't do therapy, won't even consider taking meds...

Again this DOESN'T only affect him he's being selfish

Is he a qualified dr to say the above doesn't work when he hasn't even TRIED them?

Has he tried anything at all?

Mindfulness/meditation, vitamin supplements, relaxation techniques...anything?

There comes a point where ill or not he's not being fair to those living with him by doing nothing about it.

At the very least he needs to make an appointment with dr - his symptoms may have a physical cause that needs addressed, potentially urgently he doesn't know he's not a dr

callmeadoctor · 22/10/2021 13:35

From the OP:

"I am worried about him, and I'm the kind of person that will take the motherly role in most situations, so I can't help it."

Probably not the best way to be in this situation. You dont want to spend the rest of your life being "his mother"

TheFoundations · 22/10/2021 13:45

I don't know how else I can handle this any better, or if I just need to accept this is life

Who sets the rules about what you need to accept and what you can reject in your life?

He needs me to be there for him to help him through his issues

He needs, he needs, he needs... and you do everything you can until you're going barmy to meet those needs. Where did you learn this? Who is doing everything they can to meet your needs? Why do you think that his needs are more important than yours?

Refusing to hear 'You need to leave' leaves you with one option: stay in a situation that makes you miserable. You can wriggle about as much as you want within the confines of that, but it is the only other option, because he doesn't care about what you need.

TheFoundations · 22/10/2021 13:47

I know he needs to do more and he says himself he wants to but just can't get himself to do, doesn't believe in therapy, doesn't want to go on pills

Not being able to be bothered isn't an illness. Always being 'the mother' is something you can change, but if you're that attached to it, be his mother and enjoy it.

QforCucumber · 22/10/2021 14:21

OP - the first line of your post is that you don't think you can handle anymore.

So, what does this look like then? If it doesn't look like you leaving and it doesn't look like him changing, then it looks like carrying on in the exact same situation that you can't handle anymore.

PerfectPuppy · 22/10/2021 14:56

I would bet money on the issue in his last job being him….

If leaving isn’t an option what are you hoping will be? He doesn’t want to help himself, he doesn’t care and he doesn’t care it’s impacting on you.
A) Stay and realise this is the reality until he cba to sort himself out
B) Leave and find that’s the push he needed to sort himself out and he can prove with actions he is going to change
C) leave realise he was never going to change and be free of his moaning

Original poster

Nomorecoco · 22/10/2021 17:25

@QforCucumber

OP - the first line of your post is that you don't think you can handle anymore.

So, what does this look like then? If it doesn't look like you leaving and it doesn't look like him changing, then it looks like carrying on in the exact same situation that you can't handle anymore.

It's interesting that everyone's response is to just leave or accept it. No wonder more people are splitting up these days.

If a woman came on complaining about all his issues and needs help, we'd be more than sympathetic.

No wonder men don't feel they can talk about their mental health when women are calling them a loser and their partners should leave them for it.

He's not the bad guy in this. We're both just 2 people in a relationship that are struggling mentally. He might be thinking the same about me and that I need to stop whining.

I was hoping at least for some tips on how to handle the situation. I'll turn to Google instead.

OP posts:

VeganCheesePlease · 22/10/2021 18:35

I see it like this, OP. Life is hard, like work, family drama, finances, trying to find your work/life balance, etc etc.
Your relationship is meant to be your sanctuary from that. But it sounds like your relationship is making you more stressed.
It sounds like there is more than depression on the go here, and if he won't won't work with you, I'd be thinking of why you're still there in the long run.

VeganCheesePlease · 22/10/2021 18:37

And trust me I totally get mental health issues, I really do, but from your post (and remember we can only go on what we are told in the post), those would be my initial thoughts.

QforCucumber · 22/10/2021 18:46

No my response was 3 options, leave, he seeks help, or remain the same.

You won't leave. He won't seek help. So it therefore remains the same

(My 10 year long relationship with dh, after a miscarriage, a TFMR, deep depressions, counselling on both sides, revelations of abusive pasts and plenty of other shite to put us through the mill is doing just brilliantly thanks)

FreshFreesias · 22/10/2021 18:46

He sounds absolutely hopeless. You are his girlfriend not his mum.
Why is leaving him not an option?

Sleepinghyena · 22/10/2021 19:10

Regarding the driving test and you spending ages trying to book it... Your answer as to why you are doing all the work is because it will help you when he can drive... But this is not a reason that YOU need to be doing the work looking to book. He should be putting the effort in.
Pps are correct- you have stated you can't carry on with all the mental load/responsibilities so either he puts some effort in/makes changes or you accept this is how your life is going to be or you leave him.

thepeopleversuswork · 22/10/2021 19:17

@Aquamarine1029

Stop being his mum. You are not his fixer. Why on earth are you trying to arrange his driving test?

I'd be telling him that if he refuses to grow up and deal with his own problems, he can exit through the door.

This.

I was married to someone like this. He lost every job, fucked everything he had to do. I did absolutely all his life admin for him (not just family admin but things like paying his credit card bills, passport application and then ultimately even his work admin -- invoices etc). After a while I got expected to prioritise this over my day job and my child.

The problem with blokes like this is that they are subconsciously looking for a mum who they can offload all the shit they're too incompetent to do onto. If you start managing it reasonably competently you will find absolutely everything becomes your problem.

This ship sailed a long time ago in your marriage. If you haven't already done so, read him the riot act. But be prepared to walk away from it.

Honestly I think your life would be far better without him.

Keroppi · 22/10/2021 19:25

I haven't read the full post, OP, but just to say there are apps like Testi or Driving Test Now where you pay £15 ~ and it refreshes and books the cancellation for you automatically. It would be one less thing off your plate. Good luck and I hope he retuens all this empathy and kindness to you in full when you need it. I've been reading Fair Play and trying to implement bits of advice from that in to lighten my own mental load with DH.

Fetarabbit · 22/10/2021 19:30

Realistically nothing you can do or say can help him. At most, if you facilitate him by doing everything for him, which will lead you to burn out and be absolutely miserable with zero time or headspace for yourself, then yes he might not be like he is now. That could very well include being the sole breadwinner if he loses his job, which sounds like a possibility if he's sworn at his boss.

He needs to take some self responsibility and seek some support, or take steps to change his situation. I've been there, done that, easier said than done I know, but he needs to for your sake, his child's and just as importantly; for himself. It can't be nice for him feeling the way he does, but it also has a huge affect on the whole family, he needs to acknowledge that, not so he feels guilty, but so that he realises that something needs to change. Honestly therapy and tablets were life changing for me, I either wouldn't be here without them, or definitely wouldn't be with my wonderful partner and our child. There's not really much you can do to force him to contact a GP, but you need to think of yourself too. It's no way to live, and you don't have to accept it.

Fetarabbit · 22/10/2021 19:36

We're both just 2 people in a relationship that are struggling mentally

What is he doing to support you, and his child?

AveryGoodlay · 22/10/2021 20:43

He said we won't ask for help because it makes him look incompetent but he's just made himself look worst by ignoring his boss and reacting badly. I've told him he needs to clean up his attitude asap and apologise again. I manage a team (care sector). It's the new staff who don't ask questions I worry about. Those asking seem a lot more engaged and I see it as a strength (wanting to learn) rather than a weakness. If people don't ask it makes me question their interest in the job and it also makes me wonder if they're the type of person who thinks they know it all.

Depression isn't an excuse to shout/swear at anyone. If he's in probation and I was his manager I'd have given him his weeks notice for that.

I'll help anyone but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped/won't help themself . Fine for someone to have a moan. But if they're only interested in moaning about their situation and have no interest in taking steps to improve it, that wears thin quite quickly.

AveryGoodlay · 22/10/2021 22:38

I am worried about him, and I'm the kind of person that will take the motherly role is most situations, so I can't help it. I'm sorry but I find this beyond weird! I understand some people take a motherly role. But not with their partners! Why would you want to mother/be mothered by someone you have actual children with never mind the fact you have/had sex with them?!

user1471457751 · 25/10/2021 17:54

@fetarabbit he's out the house 12 hours a day and solely responsible for paying the bills at the moment. He also supported the OP amazingly during her own major depressive period. While he does need to be seeking help for his MH, particularly after the trauma of false allegations, its not fair to say he's not contributing anything.

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