To wish we had not invited my Mother for Christmas

[clumsymum]

Because she is being so bl**dy demanding.

Last year she came for new year (went to my sis for xmas) and because she had probs with her knee, We drove down to fetch her, and took her home a few days later. She lives 130 miles away, about 2 1/2 hours to drive.
She has a car, has had a knee replacement this summer, has all the time in the world.

So I was a bit taken aback when she asked when we would be fetching her.

I pointed out that it hadn't been my plan, as ds doesn't break up from school till the Friday, we need to get the food shopping etc done on the weekend, DH is working all but Christmas day, Boxing day and new years day, generally our time is pretty well accounted for.

She has the time and ability to drive it, can come any day she likes in the preceding week, it isn't exactly Lands End to John O'Groats, is it?

Well, this caused all sorts of huffing and puffing, and excuses about why she wouldn't drive it, such as the weather MIGHT be bad, people drink and drive at Christmas, her car radio doesn't work (packed up 18 months ago, she can't be bothered to get it sorted), etc etc.

Eventually my sister suggested she come on the train (altho she abhors public transport). So she is booked on the Saturday train. My Bil will take her and get her in her booked seat at Gloucester, and we will collect her at Nottingham and get her off the train. But now apparently I can't have my Christmas Pressie cos she can't carry it, nor the Christmas cake she has made us, same reason.
Then she kicked up because I am planning to collect her from the station with DS, but she wants DH to do it, because of carrying her luggage (which will have bugger all in it anyway). I am a bit disabled, but generally manage to rally assistance when necessary, and anyway, ds is a strapping lad, and he can help. DH has other plans, basically spending the 2 hours it will take to fetch her organising the Kitchen for Christmas.

Now couple that with the fact that she'll want to watch all the Christmas editions of the soaps on telly, which we don't watch anyway, and she'll complain about ds plugging his Wii (big present from Santa) into the telly when 'Stenders is on or some such, I really wish she wasn't coming. In fact on Friday Morning I was in tears about it all.

How do I get this whole thing back into perspective so I don't feel soooooo resentful by the time she arrives that it all goes up in a huge family row?

Bow out gracefully - tell her sweetly that if she is going to find the journey this difficult, you really don't think it is worth the trauma and she might be better off staying at home.

I do think people just get very weird about Christmas as they get older. We invited ILs back in October as we planned to host Christmas for my family and dh's and they said yes and then month later got all uppity and said that they were never going to have Christmas away from home but we could come to them. That means they can't come down here with frequent train service to stay in our large-enough to accommodate everyone house because it's too much upheaval but WE can drag two small children up M1 (five hour drive) to visit them, paying for rented accommodation or B&B in order to spend a couple of nights. We said no thanks - I think, giving circs, you could enthusiastically take her side and agree that it is too much trouble for her to go to for little old you.

Thanks Motherhurdicure. I won't get much chance to post tho. Whenever she comes here, she always complains when I disappear into the study, "What do you do in there?" ..... Normally escape from Neighbours, Corrie, Emmerdale ......

Agree with Lala- it's YOUR Christmas at YOUR house with YOUR family. If she wants o join you then great but visitors fit in around the hosts routine/wishes. Even if it IS mother!!

I thought we were the only family in the world with just one tv set! Perhaps you should think about having the tv off at certain times (decide when) and warn her in advance so that she can record things to see when she gets back.

If it's a question of driving a round trip of 5 hours and having my prezzy, or not having either, I'd personally go with the option you seem to have chosen! I'm sure your Mum will give it to you eventually. She may even relent and bring you something to open as she has probably only said that about the cake and prezzy to try to put pressure on you. Don't worry about the cake, buy one instead. You set a dangerous precedent last year, but you are right to refuse to do it this year. It is reasonable for her to want to minimise her luggage.

Let her huff and puff all she likes. You may not be able to control how she behaves, but you can control your own behaviour. Praise her for using public transport and saving the earth! Organise some games that all can play while tv is off (eg charades). Be firm about what you are, and are not, prepared to do, but smile sweetly and be polite about it, no matter how much she tries to wind you up and manipulate you.

Talk to her. You may not have her for ever, and when she's gone you won't be able to reminisce about your own childhood or find out about hers.

Merry Christmas!

Lala... If I try to put her off now, I'll be the daughter of Satan for Months. I'll get tears over the phone, be told I'm an ungrateful daughter (I'M ungrateful?), and basically she'll go into major 'making me feel guilty' mode.

Does she have a video or some form of recorder for her TV? Can someone who lives closer to her (BIL?) set that to record all the episodes so she has something to look forward to on her return.

Failing that - giver her a couple of extra sherries and give her a Wii control

And get yourself an extra bottle or two in aswell!

Practise smiling sweetly when she complains, Clumsy, and let it wash over you. What power or authority does she really have over you? Give her some attention, but let it be on your terms. You do not have to explain why you want time to yourself sometimes.

I can see why you are getting stressed out but you are being a tad unreasonable about the TV. If she likes to watch the soaps (and you already know that) she will expect to watch them over Xmas. Your DS will have all day to play his Wii- the soaps tend to be on in the evening. Surely there is a compromise there?

We have a similar problem in that my mum has a habit of taping any programme she wants to watch, and then watching it a bit later- I still don't know why. What tends to happen is that usually the big soaps are staggered and are screened one after the other. She watches one, we watch a different one. So she tapes hers, then wants to sit down and watch it as ours starts. And it isn't as if she can't actually watch hers live. It's bizarre.

She also insists that our house isn't big enough for (just) her to come to us (because she has to share with one of the DCs) and wants the 7 of us to go to her instead. Her house isn't as big as ours and all of the DCs have to share. We are going to her this year to keep the peace. 4 hour drive with a 9 mo on Xmas Eve

Seems that she has already gone into major making you feel guilty mode and you are already crying at prospect of having her to stay...

Elasticwoman - we only have one TV as well, completely prehistoric. Went to see house recently where every single room including baby's nursery and several bathrooms had flatscreen on wall... Clumsymum - perhaps you could borrow/rent a TV for her while/if she stays?

Definitely buy your own cake and prime everyone to say how lovely it is - so much nicer than horrid home-made ones that always taste of burning and never have enough fruit

Oh, thanks for all this support.

Hula, she now has SKY+ at home, and I'm planning to suggest she selects to record all her programmes before she comes. She can't believe we haven't got SKY+ here, and is incredulous if she rings and the telly isn't actually switched on here.

I am hoping she might find the Wii interesting, but I suspect it might be too much effort for her (She isn't into making effort about ANYTHING, which is basically the nub of the problem).

I am making sure my bar is well stocked, but DH is off the alcohol this year, so how he'll cope I don't know.

Too much alcohol could make things much worse.

I know Elasticwoman, I'm only joking.

Altho mother is a Gin drinker, and we will have at least one evening when she decsends into tears about "what her life has become".

Oh Blimey, the prospect gets worse .....

I really feel for you clumsymum

I don't get visitors who want to reproduce their home life

Thanks Star..

That's it, when we visit her we try to fit in with her home life (altho I do rattle the newspaper a bit as I read it when 'Stenders is on).

But when she comes here, we are expected to modify our lives to fit round her, for a week at a time (she doen't think it's worthe the journey for 2 or 3 days)

motherhurdicure, that's it exactly, we do wait on her, but whatever we do is never good enough.

We don't have a chip-pan/deep fat fryer, and the number of times we sit down to a meal and get "I like a few chips when I have ...."

I don't cook vegetables properly, because I steam them to retain vitamins and have some bite as you eat them

Our spaghetti bolognese isn't good enough, because we don't use Dolmio sauce (no, we make from scratch with sun-dried tomato and good red wine).

And she can't understand why we never seem to have any money (despite paying a mortgage, step-daughter's maintenance, new windows, keeping 2 cars etc), can't dh earn a bit more?

We will go to Bakewell on Sunday 23rd to fetch our Turkey, see Father Christmas etc. Mother will choose to stay in and watch telly (altho complain cos we don't subscribe to sky sports).

What a nightmare! There is always one person in any familly who spoils it for the majority.
If she can't or wont use public transport and can't be bothered to drive herself then she is being mean to you and is making sure that she has you and your DH wound around her little finger.
My Mum is always like this even before she got ill (Dementia), she would complain about everyting, my Dad did all the cooking, me and my brother the decorating.
She just sat in the corner giving out orders, smoking and drinking everything in the house.
Also would send my Dad out for silly little things on Xmas night so he was on tentahooks all day and never had a drink.
This year he says "no point in me trying to enjoy myself, she'll just bring me crashing down again".
The only thing he is looking forward to is ripping up the living room carpet which is totally ruined by my Mum burning it with ciggies, dropping wine on it and other unmetionable things, and then he is going to paint the floor (concrete) with garage paint.
Lovely!
AB

Oh motherhurdicure ...

My mother does discuss politics and current affairs, but only offers the view that is featured in the Telegraph, which she reads every day (well except the world news bit, which isn't really important).

And she adores her grandson (ds) as long as he behaves well, which in her book means sits and watches telly quietly, or possibly reading or doing a jigsaw. Any other activity that involves noise or effort on our part to play with him deem him an 'over-demanding child"

My big concern is that I may turn into my mother in 30 years time ... altho dh saya he'll shoot me first

Remind him that we all turm into our mothers clumsymum, even men

My mother puts the subtitles on the soaps then she's able to follow them AND talk loudly over them to relate the whole year's plots bit by bit at the same time.

She knows we don't watch the soaps..... but I think lives in hope that one year we'll be drawn in