To wish we had not invited my Mother for Christmas

[clumsymum]

Because she is being so bl**dy demanding.

Last year she came for new year (went to my sis for xmas) and because she had probs with her knee, We drove down to fetch her, and took her home a few days later. She lives 130 miles away, about 2 1/2 hours to drive.
She has a car, has had a knee replacement this summer, has all the time in the world.

So I was a bit taken aback when she asked when we would be fetching her.

I pointed out that it hadn't been my plan, as ds doesn't break up from school till the Friday, we need to get the food shopping etc done on the weekend, DH is working all but Christmas day, Boxing day and new years day, generally our time is pretty well accounted for.

She has the time and ability to drive it, can come any day she likes in the preceding week, it isn't exactly Lands End to John O'Groats, is it?

Well, this caused all sorts of huffing and puffing, and excuses about why she wouldn't drive it, such as the weather MIGHT be bad, people drink and drive at Christmas, her car radio doesn't work (packed up 18 months ago, she can't be bothered to get it sorted), etc etc.

Eventually my sister suggested she come on the train (altho she abhors public transport). So she is booked on the Saturday train. My Bil will take her and get her in her booked seat at Gloucester, and we will collect her at Nottingham and get her off the train. But now apparently I can't have my Christmas Pressie cos she can't carry it, nor the Christmas cake she has made us, same reason.
Then she kicked up because I am planning to collect her from the station with DS, but she wants DH to do it, because of carrying her luggage (which will have bugger all in it anyway). I am a bit disabled, but generally manage to rally assistance when necessary, and anyway, ds is a strapping lad, and he can help. DH has other plans, basically spending the 2 hours it will take to fetch her organising the Kitchen for Christmas.

Now couple that with the fact that she'll want to watch all the Christmas editions of the soaps on telly, which we don't watch anyway, and she'll complain about ds plugging his Wii (big present from Santa) into the telly when 'Stenders is on or some such, I really wish she wasn't coming. In fact on Friday Morning I was in tears about it all.

How do I get this whole thing back into perspective so I don't feel soooooo resentful by the time she arrives that it all goes up in a huge family row?

You are all saints..!!
There is no way that I would have anyone in my house over christmas if they were like your mothers. Not my mother nor DP's mother. NO way!

There was a time when I found my mum difficult, but compared to yours, Clumsy, she's a saint. Never wants to put any one to any trouble, always offering to help in the kitchen, not expecting me to watch Who Wants to be Bloody Millionaire. Actually my mum is the archetypal Jewish Momma (although she's not Jewish). How many Jewish Mommas does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Don't you worry about me. I'll just sit here in the dark.

I cringed at the mum who thought her son in law should earn more money!

Oh Elastic, I know.

The thing about her son-in-law is that he can't win. He has been working away Monday to Friday for the last two years, because he got a good contract that paid well, but my mother didn't think it was right that I should be left alone to look after DS.
Now he's taken a job locally, that he really likes, he's really happy with it, but it doesn't bring in quite so much, and I'm going to look to work more hours (cos that's going to be easier with dh at home). But I know my mother thinks I shouldn't have to work, dh should keep us.

And Mother doesn't think she is any trouble to anyone. Ever.

But back to the Christmas issue. I'm going to have to ring mother (haven't spoken to her for 48 hours, neglectful daughter). I will be calm, I will not get riled. I WILL NOT yell "well don't bl**dy come then."

Because that's not what loving daughters do. My Mum told me so.

clumsy you are a saint.

Pesky old ladies eh?

We have 6 parents between us all of whom hate to stay away from home yet all of whom get very tense when our small children stay at theirs. There is no winning.

Do you all have memories of your maternal grandmothers being at your houses every Christmas day?

I would not have anyone in the house who was selfish and made me miserable or stressed as I don't think that sort of atmosphere is fair to inflict on DP or the dcs.

Could you not get her to watch the soap omnibus at the weekend?

Failing that give her sherry at regular intervals through the day and she may be asleep for 2pm

You're right, Dropdead: we never had grandparents at our house at Christmas.
Clumsy, you know your mother is rather selfish and demanding, so why be hurt when she accuses you of undaughterliness or whatever she calls it? Decide what you are prepared to do for her, stick to your guns and ignore her moaning.

In short, stop wanting her approval. You'll be happier.