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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

(Doggy people) AIBU to think my ex may be right about dog being abused?

60 replies

Stitchybitch79 · 20/10/2021 06:36

Due to my working odd shifts I 'employ' a friend of mine to come around during the day to spend time with my dog. They also walk her two or three times a day, morning, evening and sometimes during the day too if my shifts haven't' allowed me to do it.

My dog is sort of jointly owned with my ex. We live quite far apart but if I ever go away anywhere, and sometimes just if ex wants the dog, ex will have the dog.

Anyway recently, dog absolutely REFUSES to go for walks at night with the walker. She will get under any table she can, go behind/under things, run down the cellar or upstairs, and growl quite menacingly.

Sometimes I've been in (WFH) when this has happened and she's cowered under my legs.

Further info-ex has had her twice recently due to my being away with work. Both times she's been concerned that walker has done something to her, as she's noticed she's cowered away several times when she's gone to stroke her head, and been nervous of ex's new partner who she used to adore and make a huge fuss of. Ex has been really angry and said 'she's a changed animal' and something is definitely going on.

My partner was here recently and noticed (I was out of the room) walker throwing a toy at dog's head when she was sleeping?Odd I suppose. Not a heavy toy, didn't hurt her.

It may sound all a bit odd but, I love my dog! And this seems odd. She hasn't changed at all toward or around me, and usually she's (in typical dog fashion) happy to go out with anyone who wants to walk her, partner walked her for me once when they'd only met a couple of times no problem! No problem with me walking her either which I do at least once a day no matter my shift.

Walker also picked her up from my ex's last time (offered to as I was busy and they were in the area)and ex said dog didn't' want to get in the car with them and had to be dragged.

More info-dog is huge. Nice temperament but a rather menacing, intimidating growl even while playing (and she isn't playing with this situation), and walker is very quiet, acts rather shy, and not very assertive. If ex hadn't have said anything I may have said to just drag her out, she's a bloody dog! Although they probably wouldn't have felt confident to. But now I am a bit suspicious.

AIBU?

OP posts:
sixswans · 20/10/2021 07:29

Regardless of the cause, she's telling you very definitely that she doesn't want to go with the walker. It's stressing her out, I think find another option

Flumpyfish · 20/10/2021 07:31

Could it be the fireworks?

PooWillyNameChange · 20/10/2021 08:47

I don't think it matters if there is abuse or not. Your dog isn't getting on with the walker, find a new one.

Newuser82 · 20/10/2021 08:50

@MissJeanBrodiesprime

But your dog will happily go with the walker during daylight? So that says to me it’s not the walker and something to do with the dark, perhaps he’s been out during fireworks and got scared or something happened during the dark that scared him, doesn’t explain why he goes with you though other than perhaps he just trusts you more.
That’s the first thing I thought of as well!
wetotter · 20/10/2021 08:52

My partner was here recently and noticed (I was out of the room) walker throwing a toy at dog's head when she was sleeping?Odd I suppose. Not a heavy toy, didn't hurt her

Unless you think your XP may get be lying, this is cruel and I would not want that person unsupervised round my dog ever again.

The change in behaviour is also concerning.

Yes, you need a different doggy day care solution, and urgently

harriethoyle · 20/10/2021 08:55

The point at which the dog walker threw a toy at your sleeping dog's head was the point at which I would have sacked her without the rest of your post. Please find a new walker.

Tomatalillo · 20/10/2021 09:05

It might not be that the walker is abusing the dog but if they are shy and unassertive perhaps they haven’t dealt well with a particular situation and the dog is becoming confused and mistrustful. Picking up on the walker’s anxiety perhaps and becoming anxious themselves.

But the toy throwing is concerning unless it was a complete mix-throw, but then you’d expect someone to react with owning the cock up. Perhaps they’ve had a power struggle and the dog has won and now the walker is resentful. Bit of a red flag if so, especially with a big dog.

If it isn’t the ex’s new partner then it has to be the walker. Perhaps stop them coming for a few weeks and see what happens.

FudgeFlake · 20/10/2021 09:06

Professional dog walker here. I wouldn't dream of chucking a toy at a sleeping dog! The dog is clearly telling you that she isn't happy. It may be that she's lost confidence in the current walker due to something that happened while they were out and about, I did have this situation once and it took several weeks for the dog to regain trust in me because she associated a sudden pain in her foot with being put on the lead (in fact just as we were going on lead as we approached the end of the walk and needed to be safe in case of moving vehicles, she trod on a bee!). It could also be eyesight problems or other health conditions as suggested by a pp. Anyway, you need to be booking a vet check up, and looking for a proper care package. A good pro walker or daycare will have public liability insurance, a dog first aid qualification, and lots of genuine references.

I'm aware that some of the dogs I look after have security cameras etc. But this doesn't bother me. Because I know I'm doing my job properly!

Loubilou09 · 20/10/2021 11:44

Get rid ASAP. I had a dog walker who was (and still is) highly recommended by everyone in our village and my dog used to run away from her when she came to the door to get her. I also met her out once and my dog very gingerly went up to her and seemed scared.

I got rid of her and got her another walker who she absolutely adores. I was talking to the old dog walker one day about my new puppy as I see her regularly out and about and she confirmed my fears when she was telling me how she treats dogs that board with her. Basically said if one of them wakes her up in the morning before she feels like getting up she will go down and throw a cup of water in their face, if she was willing to give me that information, I dread to think what she actually did to the dogs behind owners backs :(

Brollywasntneededafterall · 20/10/2021 11:50

One of the people your ddog should trust assaulted your ddog... If a cm had done that to your dc would you keep her?
Ltb.
*lose the bitch...

Lynne1Cat · 20/10/2021 12:00

Your poor dog. She sounds very upset, frightened of the walker. If it were me, I'd get someone else to walk the dog, stop all contact with the walker. Your dog has been trying to let you know that she's terrified, so please do something to protect her.

Yerroblemom1923 · 20/10/2021 12:26

I wonder if your dog has had a bad experience when he's been out at night with dogwalker? Have you asked her? Perhaps he's been spooked by another dog or something, although you'd think she'd tell you about it...

BurntO · 20/10/2021 12:29

My dog cowers when we get her harness and lead out. Never been hit and LOVES her walks

RincewindsHat · 20/10/2021 12:43

I would switch dog walker to be sure, but if you don't want to do that right now get a Furbo dog cam at a minimum. I rarely leave my dogs alone in the house, but when I do, I can check in on them with Furbo and feed them snacks and it's great.

longwayoff · 20/10/2021 13:15

My dog won't be walked by anyone apart from me. Pain, but there it is
he's refused any number of willing, kindly, dog-loving neighbours offering to walk him. He would definitely hide from someone else trying to put a lead on him and scream like a banshee if they tried to take him outside. He's never been mistreated but he's damn sure he's not going to risk it. Other than that, he's the usual friendly, waggy thing and appreciates a visitor. I've not succeeded in changing his opinion in 7 years and have resigned myself to it. The sole concession he makes is to go out with a friend as long as her dogs go too.

suspiria777 · 20/10/2021 14:37

How much do you pay your 'friend' for their services?

longwayoff · 20/10/2021 14:53

I dont pay my 'friends' for anything. They are friends.

Chloemol · 20/10/2021 14:56

I agree with your ex. The dog Walker has done something to the dog

girlmom21 · 20/10/2021 14:59

What did your friend say when you confronted them about throwing the toy at the dog?

Does the dog seem scared of the walker?
You said the dog is cowering away from your ex's new partner, who they previously liked.

If the dog doesn't cower away from you, ex or dog walker, I'd consider whether the dog has been abused by the new partner...

TheChip · 20/10/2021 15:03

@girlmom21

What did your friend say when you confronted them about throwing the toy at the dog?

Does the dog seem scared of the walker?
You said the dog is cowering away from your ex's new partner, who they previously liked.

If the dog doesn't cower away from you, ex or dog walker, I'd consider whether the dog has been abused by the new partner...

Thats what I thought too, and the new partner blamed the only other person she could when the behaviour change was noticed. That being the dog walker
FAQs · 20/10/2021 15:14

My dog and her Walker have a great relationship, she doesn’t like going in her car but she doesn’t like any cars so you can see she loves her and wants to please her, they hug and fuss each other it’s really sweet, I can’t imagine any kind/animal person chucking something at a sleeping animal!

Potpourri23 · 20/10/2021 15:58

Is dog reluctant to go out at night in general, or just with the walker? I think I'd even bring it up "did dog get frightened by fireworks or something at some point? He seems nervous!" and see your friend's reaction.

But I agree a dog lover wouldn't be throwing things at their head! I second the idea of a camera.

UltimateBugKilla · 20/10/2021 16:10

My dog is 14, every year he has slowly got worse with fireworks, its a routine every October/November and new years now, because he will not go outside after dark at all when fireworks are about.

Pain/illness can also cause personality changes.

Perhaps have a check up, but my suspicion is that your dog is sound sensitive

AwkwardPaws27 · 20/10/2021 16:38

I'd be getting a full vet check to rule out any physical problems (pain, arthritis etc) which may cause a change in behaviour.

I'd also set up a nanny cam.

suspiria777 · 20/10/2021 18:09

@longwayoff

I dont pay my 'friends' for anything. They are friends.
@longwayoff I didn't mean you, i was addressing the OP who says they "employ" their "friend". It's right there in their first sentence.