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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family inviting other family to stay at my house

34 replies

Papierdecoupe · 19/10/2021 21:51

Prepared to be told I’m unreasonable. We have two young DC who aren’t good at sleeping and are often ill. So I guess most of my life is now spent feeling tired and being unreasonable, but here goes.

We have one spare bedroom. My parents are coming to stay to help with childcare for a few days while I do some KIT days. It’s the first time I’ll have left my youngest DC for more than a couple of hours. My younger brother who has behavioural problems has to come with them and stay too, due to his age. I find him being in the house very stressful and my parents know this. My mum has just invited my sister to come and stay too (my sister lives in a different town). I rang my mum asking about it and she was saying ‘oh I hope she can stay’, nothing about the fact she’s just inviting people to stay in our house without asking? I pointed this out to her, and she became short-tempered and said that we’re all one family so the invite should stand for everyone. Is this true? I get on well with my sister and I would love to see her, but I don’t want 4 houseguests (one with behavioural problems) when I’m about to leave my youngest DC for the first time and start thinking about going to work again. Or is it just the price I’m paying for their childcare?

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/10/2021 21:54

If that is the price then the price is too high!

Is there anyone else who could do it? Including your DH?

coconutpie · 19/10/2021 21:58

I would cancel the entire visit (why can't your DP/DH look after the DC?) or just ask your mum to come on her own. Your mum is being completely unreasonable inviting your sister.

Coconutmeg · 19/10/2021 21:58

Do you think your mum, while trying to be helpful to you, I’d thinking she’s bitten off too much looking after your kids and your brother?
Maybe she just wants a bit of help/support?

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 19/10/2021 21:59

If you only have one spare bedroom, where are all of these people going to sleep? Even if your DB shares with your parents, where is DS going to sleep?

Pinkchocolate · 19/10/2021 21:59

If you know your brother comes as part of your parents due to his needs then I wouldn’t be upset about that. You get on with your sister so she and you may both enjoy her spending time with your DC. Try and see the positives in it. I wouldn’t be upset by it but it’s your home so ultimately your choice who is in it.

RightOnTheEdge · 19/10/2021 22:00

YANBU! Your mum is out of order.

It will be so stressful for you to try to sort the kids and get ready for work with a house stuffed full of people.
You won't get any rest after work either.

Your Mum sounds like a pain.

Howshouldibehave · 19/10/2021 22:00

I would cancel her visit. Nobody would be inviting house guest into our house except me and DH!

Coconutmeg · 19/10/2021 22:03

I mean, an extra pair of hands might make it nicer on your DCs

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 19/10/2021 22:07

@TheYearOfSmallThings

If that is the price then the price is too high!

Is there anyone else who could do it? Including your DH?

This ^^

Going to work for a few kIT days is a big deal

Why can't your mum come on her own as it's to help care for baby? I don't think he'd turning it into a huge family get together at your house when you have one spare bedroom and will likely end up with ful bathrooms and tripping over people, is helping here at all. No she shouldn't ge inviting people to stay at yours.
Frankly you'd be better off arranging childminder for those days- or DH to stay home and have baby.

Mum and all the family descending us the lash thing you need fit your KIT days

Mantlemoose · 19/10/2021 22:12

Sounds like your mum might need some support (coping with your brother and your kids) but didn't want to say.

gogohm · 19/10/2021 22:14

Sounds like your mother needs help

Original poster
Papierdecoupe · 19/10/2021 22:14

DH can’t take anymore AL as he’s using the remaining to cover KIT days next month. My sister wouldn’t be coming to help in any way. She’s a student and rarely surfaces out of bed before midday and would have to sleep in the living room. I’m hoping this means she’ll turn down my mum’s invite, as a family gathering at mine isn’t much fun. I’m just upset at how my mum makes me feel so awful for being unhappy about it or expecting more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Papierdecoupe · 19/10/2021 22:17

My dad is helpful with the children. My mum isn’t daunted about it at all, and I think that’s part of the issue. She wouldn’t think for one second that I’d be stressed about KIT days or leaving my children, because those things wouldn’t have stressed her out. She’d have just got on with it

OP posts:
BurntO · 19/10/2021 22:19

Remind them they are there for help with KIT days. Not sure why they are all coming in the first place, would it not be best to have 1 parent only staying? Just tell them.

Poptart4 · 19/10/2021 22:22

YANBU to be annoyed that your mum invited your sister without consulting you first. Her excuse that the invitation should automatically extend to the whole family is ridiculous. And honestly sounds like she knows she's over stepped the mark and is clutching at straws.

YABU to complain about your brother with behavioral issues being there stressing you out. You clearly knew he comes with your mam, you shouldn't have asked her to babysit if you couldn't handle hi. As well.

I agree with mantlemoose, she may be feeling overwhelmed and wants some help.

ChubbyK · 19/10/2021 22:23

Why can't just 1 parent come, your mum or dad?

This just sounds too stressful.

Hummingbird427 · 19/10/2021 22:23

Your mum shouldn't be inviting anyone into your space. You get to decide how you feel. Your mum is basically saying "I wouldn't have a problem with it, why do you". You need to tell her, bluntly from the sound of it, that she doesn't get to decide how you feel, or who stays in your home.

Frankly you don't have the space for 2 adults, 1 baby and 3 adult house guests anyway.

Op, cancel the whole thing. It'll be less stressful.

Your dh needs to step up and take parental leave, unpaid absence, toil, annual leave. Or you need proper, paid childcare. Otherwise this isn't viable. Pull out of the kit days. I'd point out here that you're one half of the parental team to DH and his career doesn't get to continue as if he's a non parent too. You're not being supported by anyone here. Massive let downs from people who supposedly love you.

You're going to spend your kit days at work unable to concentrate, and not even have a calm family home to go back to.

It's best cancelled now.

HollowTalk · 19/10/2021 22:26

Why can't your dad come and help you and leave your mum at home with your brother? Tell your sister to stay put as well!

INeedNewShoes · 19/10/2021 22:47

I'd point out that these few days are the worst possible time to have a family gathering sprung on you.

To be honest OP I think you're going to need to find a better solution when you need childcare. If there's any way you can afford to pay a childminder or a babysitter you know well, that would be preferable to ending up with a house full of people.

If you really can't afford it, are there good friends you could come to an arrangement with to swap a few days childcare?

coconutpie · 19/10/2021 22:53

Hoping that your sister turns down the invitation is not the right way to deal with this. You call up your sister and tell her that she's not able to stay and your mum should not have invited her.

Your DH needs to take unpaid leave or parental leave if he has used up his annual leave already.

Leeds2 · 19/10/2021 23:05

I would be livid if anyone, mum or not, asked anyone to stay in my home without clearing it with me first.
In this case, I would probably speak to sister and ask her to decline the invitation. And have a separate word with mum asking her not to do this again.
Whilst also remembering that mum is doing you a huge favour!!

GrandmaAli · 19/10/2021 23:12

When did you go into the hotel business??
Yes, they may be family but that does not mean they should all just expect to come and stay at yours, especially considering you have only one spare room!!
BTW, what is KIT?

RampantIvy · 19/10/2021 23:22

If your sister is a student wouldn't she be too busy with her studies to come and visit?

sillysmiles · 19/10/2021 23:49

Honestly itc didn't bother me and i could see my family doing this. It would bother my dh and his family tend to stand on ceremony more around each.

I wonder though are you seeing these few days as a big deal and your mum isn't?
Are you better off just focusing on your Kit and letting her deal with any fall out in the house? You'll be out of the house anyway, so it's irrelevant if sis sleeps till lunchtime.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/10/2021 23:53

I find this really weird.

Why is your mum trying to organise some sort of family party at your house? Has she forgotten why you invited her, or that you did - to your house, she's not hosting at hers?